AAS

I really screwed up.  I need a safe place I can trust to hear your wisdom, seek your thoughts on this situation.

My husband and I have been married almost 19 years, but spent only about half of that time living together, we have a rocky marriage. He kicked me and my daughter out of the home in Nov. '08, I got a place of our own. I did really well, found my love and peace inside finally, and had our sons over every weekend to do productive things and bond.

In July, after my husband and I had met other people and fell for them, it wasn't work out with them, so we decided in hindsight that we really want to make our marriage work. We broke it off with the others.

However, after moving back in together, all of the same stuff was happening, only this time our children are older and they validated me more, they could see how much I love, give, and provide for them and their dad and his reluctance to do any more than just go to work every day, once he is home, he is done, he watches tv, plays video  games and guitar.  I do the shopping, cooking, homework with kids, errands, etc.

I found out a lot about when he was with her, he did things for her he never did for me, in turn the man I was with did everything for me and with me, I truly felt loved for the first time by a man for real.  With a couple of bad fights and thinking my husband was still seeing her because they work together, I started to talking via phone and email with the ex boyfriend.  Mostly, to not lose the one love I felt loved me back finally, and fear of it not working with my husband, he had said and done many hurtful things again already.

But, I am a Christian, I felt awful for talking to this guy in any way.  He is in another state, so we didn't physically cheat, but I dreamed of going to live with him.  Yet, I don't want to put our kids thru anymore trauma drama, just want it to work this time, so I tried to cut it off with the guy, and I told him that I am back with my husband and praying to God it will work this time and to be right, I had to be honest and let him go to allow God to move in our lives in a way that only he can.

The guy flipped out.  He threatened me, called me a whore, told me he is going to send all the communications and some photos I sent him to my children and my husband, maybe my job and my mother. UGH!!!

Now I feel like they are both just no good for me, especially the other guy.  At least I am seeing my husband be better with each day then ever before.  And now I know he loves me, just loves differently then I do, and isn't responsible for my every need.

I feel horrible, how could I have opened this door for someone to hurt us like this?

I went to the police and showed them his threats, he would be my worst enemy, etc.  They won't help.  They called him for me at most, but that made him even more fierce with me, more threatening, didn't' t work at all.  Now I am afraid if I do a restraining order if it will do any good, he knows where we are all located.

Please share your thoughts with me, I would appreciate some guidance and advice. - Many, many thanks!