AAS

I had an EA with a co-worker. It went on for approximately 2 years. He has a girlfriend and I'm married. I ended the EA and has not communicated with him for approximately 3 weeks. About this time, I told my DH about the EA. He has only responded with an email the next day and has not talked about it since. In the email, he is pretty disappointed and angry and does not know what to think.

I told him I don't want to push him to talk about it unless he's ready and he's told me he needs time. I feel that our M is on "hold" until we can talk about the EA. Other than avoiding the EA talk, he still treats me the same as before knowing about the EA.

How long should I wait to discuss this with him? Is he going to avoid this forever? Or he doesn't want to think about the EA?

Hi chewy, and welcome to the board.

People process things in different ways, and it could be that he's just not ready to talk about it because he doesn't really know how he feels about all of it.

Maybe he's never heard of an EA, doesn't really know what that means, maybe he's trying to figure out what it is and then he'll feel able to discuss it with you.

There are just so many variables here, it could be any number of things really.

Obviously, you can't force him to talk about it if he doesn't want to.  In that case, probably all you can do is just indicate that you're willing and ready to discuss it whenever he is ready.

I wonder though...you say you feel like your marriage is "on hold".  Did you tell him hoping for a big reaction or an ultimatum from him?

I think the suggestion of MC is a good one.  See about setting up an appointment with someone, and then ask him to come with you - and see what the response is there.

Kim

Hi Kim,

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess I thought he would be really angry and not want anything to do with me. I'm not sure if he'll be up for marriage counseling and I have never thought about it before. I'm not even sure if he considers it cheating. I never heard of EA until I started googling "more than co-workers" and came across these forums. That's when I started to realize we were more than just friends.

I know that he's upset that I let myself develop feelings for another person. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is going on in his head.

I'm in your boat. Mine was an EA and his wife found out. I knew at that point I needed to work on my M. I realized what the fog did to me. I was trying to be sweet. I bought marriage books and wanted to try to get closer to my DH. DH maybe thought I was being wierd so he asked me if I was having an A. I said EA, no sex. Maybe he believes me, maybe not. He asked who. I told him. He asked if I wanted to leave him and I said no. We both know our marriage had many issues and we've even talked about divorce.

That night he actually cuddled with me. And since then we've both been nicer, sweeter, especially me. I want him to know that I want to work on our m. He's made a few digs like 'hows your friend?" But I keep telling him its over and it was nothing. And maybe cause he thinks I ended it, it is telling him something.

My H and I have almost no sex. That is hard for me. He has never been interested. I am trying cause he is a wonderful man. I've begged him for years we need to work on our M but its always last on his list, between work, sports, buddies, hobbies. I guess I've felt like a maid more than a wife. My EA made me feel taken care of, cared about, for the first time in my life since marriage.

So right now, we are not talking about the EA. We are just being nice to eachother. Over time, who knows. But the sad thing is he didn't want to read the marriage books. I still don't think he wants to work on it. Maybe he doesn't love me, he just loves the life. Him working, me doing everything else.