AAS

Ok, think I may have really screwed up here and need some input please.  BF told me an old gf sent him a friend request on Facebook .  It was really more of an FWB thig but I found out the WB part out years later.  Kinda grossed me out...she was a nice person but not uh...attractive.  Just made me think less of him that he'd go there.  Anyway, he asked me if I'd have a problem with him ok-ing it, and I diplomatically replied "you f'd her!", twice, emphatically.  He hung up.

He is once again away, nearing the end of a two week trip.  Not a good time for the jealousy issue to raise it's ugly head.  It's her motivation that bugs me...she had to be looking for him.  This was a few month fling 18-ish years ago when I had no claim on him and was married, though we did have something going on on the DL.  She's no threat to me now...but of course I didn't think that then either. 

I know that if I was talking to old BF's on FB or anywhere else, he would not be happy, just the same as he would not be happy when I was half a world away barhopping while he was home tending to the house and kids.  These shoe on the other foot scenarios are so far-fecthed and hypothetical, it is difficult for him to see my POV at all.  I concede the point that my mouth got ahead of my brain there...missing the 7 second delay altogether, and my reaction has made the situation worse.

Ok...I know what I need to tell him is go ahead and ok it if he wants, that I trust him...blah, blah, blah.  But there's something in me screaming bulls&*t!  He's out to dinner and drinks with co-workers...he will be in quite a mood if he wants to discuss this later.  So what do you think?  Do I make amends?  Do I stand my grouund?  I would not and do not have contact with anyone on FB or elsewhere who I've had a physical R with...want to leave that all in the past...do I have a right to ask the same of him?

Knowing me and how I react to things, BF wouldn't even entertain the idea and asking for my permission would be like pressing the A bomb button.

So, I say it's BS too. I would let him know how I feel about it and if he's still open to the idea of accepting the friend request then the consequences of how I will be from there on is on him.

Myspace Graphics


Myspace Graphics

Hmmmmm - OK this one hits so close to home it's kinda scary.

Now - BF has never ASKED if I had an issue with him having friend on FB or elsewhere that he had a R with in the past - topic never came up.  A little background though -  he is friends with his DDs mom (they have been apart for 18 years) - matter of fact she and I are friends (in real life and on FB) and we just went to her place for a bit to change to our costumes on Saturday night.

Also, I have been spending a couple hours every Sunday sitting next to BF with his STBXW on the other side of him - and we give him grief while watching THEIR DS play.  In both cases,  the children are proof postive of a physical R if there ever were one, but I know that we are not normal - never professed to be though!  ;)  Shoot - his first W - from when he was a kid - tries to friend request him on FB and he ignores her - and I'm so dumb - I kinda feel sorry for her.  WTF!! ;)

He also has a friend that IS on FB - I didn't know who she was - she was a friend from the 'old days' - and she came to one of his shows.  I didn't know till just before that evening - that THEY had been FWB - matter of fact - as he put it - he wanted more - way back when - and she would never commit.  I will admit - that gave me pause - but hell - it was 20 years ago - and I know who he is committed to now.  She and I met - we got along great - and now we are also FB friends - and chat more than the two of them do.  Weird - yeah - but it works for us.  She even told him that I was the first girl she saw him with that she actually liked - besides herself!  Ha ha ha

Now in your case - him being gone alot and all those things - yeah - if I were facing that - I might have more of an issue with it - but for me -  BF is home with me all the time - he shows me everything on his FB, My Space - etc - whether I ask or not - lol - and I can get into everything if I wanted to (which I don't - no time for all that!) - so I don't have a problem with it.  Plus - this gal - LOL well to say she is high maintenance would be an understatement - I think my BF is pretty damn happy that she wouldn't commit.  ;)

So - I guess my answer to your question is this - if it makes you feel weird - and it bothers you - then you have every right to tell him that - and the two of you need to discuss it and try to meet somewhere in the middle.  I suspect that he will never totally see it your way - and you won't see it his -but that's ok - compromise is not a bad word - it's just a fact of life.

Don't beat yourself up over no seven-second delay either honey - sure - there might have been a better way to phrase it - but damn - if you wanted him to know how you felt - you pretty much got that point across - huh?? 

Sorry for the ramble - guess I'm just trying to say that every one copes differently - things that might make you nuts don't bother me - and I'm sure things that send me over the edge - you'd look at me and say - Lynn - calm the F down!! ;)  Same for you and your honey - but knowing how far you guys have come - I know this is just gonna be one of those things that once you work it through - it won't seem like such a big deal - KWIM??

Bottom line - talk to him - no need to grovel or say something you don't mean - just be honest - it's always the best way.

Love and hugs sweetie!

Lynn ;)

Thanks Glo...He makes me feel like I'm totally off base.  It was unreasonable of him to have any expectation that I would handle that in a rational, sane manner.  I don't have it in me to not react emotionally and viscerally to ghosts of our past, and he knows me well enough to know that.  I am soooo over it.  My hope now is that he will quietly back down and ignore her...and the discussion will be over.  Neither of us is in a conciliatory mood at the moment. 

Thanks for the reality check.  Good to know I'm not nuts...or at least in very good company...lol.

Well, no, I didn't mince words...pretty much laid it on the line.  lol...

I don't know...I just really want to lay all that to rest...and she is a reminder of a very tumultuous time for us long ago during the break up of my 1st M and our first futile attempt to be together.  We saw her as we were entering our favorite bar a few weeks after D-day (this time), she smiled when she saw him and I watched her face melt into confusion and then horror upon recognizing me on his arm.  She quickly got into her car, and BF did not see her.  Mentioned to him when we got inside that I thought I saw her in the parking lot.  So that little incident has never left my mind...

I hope we can have a rational discussion about this.  He's pretty convinced this is my problem.