Ask the Relationship Saver

I have been reading the boards for a month or so and I could really use some advice/perspective on my situation. I'm bracing myself for judgment as well, because I have made some huge mistakes this year and I'm trying to find my way out of them now. Sorry in advance if the post ends up too long...

I jumped into a new relationship very quickly after my previous one ended. This is the pattern I have followed since day 1. I am always afraid to end a relationship until there's someone new who shares mutual interest. Obviously part of that is the fact that I'm afraid to be alone, but I've also realized it's my way of emotionally checking out of the previous relationship. Once I have someone new to focus on, I no longer feel guilt over hurting the other person or wonder whether I've made a mistake or not. I have put up with some seriously bad boyfriends because of these fears.

I really outdid myself this time though. I allowed this guy to move in with me immediately because he was also escaping a relationship that had run its course, but he didn't have the financial means to get out on his own. This was a huge red flag that I stupidly decided to file away and worry about later. As it turns out, he and I are definitely not on the same page where money is concerned. I earn about twice his salary, and I generally make good choices when it comes to money. I have no debt, cash in the bank, and excellent credit. He has very poor spending habits, lots of debt, terrible credit, and no plans whatsoever to do anything about this. I think being in debt is just a way of life for him, so he's used to it. I pay for about 90% of our shared living expenses. His money goes towards his personal bills, some to his ex-wife, and the rest on whatever stupid thing he decides he just has to have at any given time. I made the horrifying mistake of assisting him with a car loan because he didn't have good enough credit. I thought I was just co-signing, but it turned out to be a joint loan with me as the primary person because of my credit. I kick myself every day for this...I have never been so stupid in my life when it came to money.

6 months have passed since he moved in. There have been many other red flags along the way. (1) I think he's an alcoholic. He seems to be functioning fine and he's pretty happy when he drinks, but it worries me that he drinks as much as he does. (2) He has some anger management issues. We have had 2 very ugly fights where he clearly used intimidation tactics on me; the 2nd time I could imagine him hitting me if it had escalated any further. (3) He has shown some subtle signs of controlling/possessive behavior. I'm never 100% sure that's what's going on at the time, but when I add everything up and look at the big picture it concerns me.

There are also some other problems...he's a dog person and I can't stand having a dog in the house; he has no outside interests and is always at home so I never get any private time whatsoever; he's very sedentary and I'm getting bored always laying around the house watching TV; there's a 14-yr age difference (he's older) and sometimes it seems like we speak a totally different language when it comes to basic communication.

When I read what I have written so far, it seems so obvious I need to end this relationship. But there are so many good things too. Since that last fight (6 weeks ago), he seems to have changed. He's not as moody as he used to be, and we haven't even gotten close to another fight...maybe he realized he screwed up. We do have fun together a lot of the time, and he is great at taking care of me whenever I'm feeling unwell or down. How do I know if I'm just being too picky, and not giving things enough time? I'm not perfect either... And am I really ready to be completely, 100% alone? Is it worth that? I have no friends or family who live closer than ~1 hour away.

I feel like we are trapped now because he still can't afford to live on his own. If I ask him to leave, what if he just tells me he can't? What about the car loan? I made him promise if we broke up he would refinance, but what an idiot I was...he couldn't get it financed then, and nothing has changed so he still won't be able to get it financed now! Sometimes I'm afraid he might be taking advantage of me, because it has seemed so obvious on many occassions that there are things about me that he's not thrilled with. But that could just be my insecurity talking...I don't know what to do. If anyone has a time machine they can send my way, please do so ASAP...I am mortified by the horrible choices I have made this year.

Welcome to the board emgirl-09,

I don't think that you haven't given it enough time. I think your pattern is still there, you are afraid to be alone so you will smooth over the things you can't live with.

Can you imagine your life being the way it is for the next 1 yr, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, hmm, the rest of your life.

You deal with one issue at at a time. If you have to, you cut your losses and note that you learned a huge lesson.

Good luck on your decision.

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

Thanks a lot for your responses.

cl-itwinflame: I'm sure you're correct. I'm scared to do what I know needs to be done, so I'm trying to talk myself out of being bothered by these problems. It works when I'm happy, but when I'm thinking about this stuff a lot (which is happening more and more) I'm really not kidding myself.  To be honest, the part of your post that stuck in my head the most was the quote in your signature about advice. SO TRUE.

perspective: That's an interesting comment, and pretty accurate. I hadn't looked at my behavior that way before, but I definitely do have some impulse problems. I don't think through my actions enough until it's too late.

undercovercrab: Thank you so much. It's nice to hear from someone who went through something similar and came out of it happy. I have followed this pattern for 14 years now. I have gone from one serious relationship to another since I was 18 (currently on number 5). I think the longest I went between any 2 relationships was about 2 weeks, but even then I had someone already lined up, so I still didn't go through that process of being alone and resetting.

It's a scary thought, being alone. I have always depended on my boyfriends for all of my socializing and support. I have not tried to make friends, and I rarely speak to my family about anything personal. This will be such a huge change for me.

We'll see how long it takes me to work up the courage to say what I need to say! I'm really afraid my boyfriend will be unable to come up with any options for a new living arrangement (or will say he can't) and then things could become ugly. Oh, and we work at the same company on the same shift...did I mention that?? Another one of my idiotic patterns. I do feel like I"m ready for a change. Just gotta jump off that cliff.