Ask the Relationship Saver

Hello board,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for ten months. It was perfect. However, I straight out lied to him about something. I did not tell him that I was still legally married and going through a separation. (In my state a couple has to stay legally seperated for a year before they can file divorce papers.) He found out before I had the chance to tell him. I was looking for the right opportunity to tell him the truth, but I was afraid he would not accept the situation. It was stupid of me since he, too, was in the same situation with a marriage. When he found out he of course was pissed. He found out because he actually talked to my soon to be ex. When he confronted me with it I came completely clean about EVERYTHING to him. I apologized. Understandably he was still mad. He said to me that he still wants to talk to me and he still cares, but right now he is pissed and needs his time. He even said he hopes to get back where we once were.

I understand this clearly. However, I am unsure of how to show him that I will never lie to him or do something like this again. I want to salvage this relationship. I feel so guilty and horrible over the hurt I caused him and I want to be there for him to help ease the hurt. How do I handle this? Do I cut off contact completely until he calls me? Do I maybe send a text once in awhile to remind him I am there for him?

Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

You need to lay low and wait for him to cool off. No texting, no calling, just be reassured by what he said that he will be back. 

 My husband, while we were dating kept a secret Myspace that he didn't tell me about until I stumbled upon the knowledge because of something he let slip.  He had 3 ex's on there that he had slept with who were still in contact with him.  So, in some way I can relate to your bf about something being kept from your lover well into the relationship.

I love my husband dearly but no, I will never completely trust him again.  You need to be prepared that this event may have sown a seed of mistrust that may not ever be completely uprooted.  If he loves you he will cool off and come back, but he's going to wonder forever why you didn't say something when he came clean on his part.  That is just the way it is.

But don't grovel too much.  It won't help and will make the offense seem bigger than it is.

Welcome to the board starvingmusician,

::but right now he is pissed and needs his time. He even said he hopes to get back where we once were.

With that (above) he will be the one to set the course and determine what he needs from you. I suggest you wait for him to approach you.

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

 

UPDATE: I talked to him Sunday. He called me after I had a friend of mine drop off some of his clothes that I had of his. I waited in the car since I thought he did not want to see me. About twenty minutes after that he calls me and says that I do not have to try to avoid him. I told him that I thought he did not want to see me so that is why i sent my friend to his door to give him his stuff. Especially since he did not return my text or calls from the days before. He said he was sorry he made me feel that way and that is not the case. He was still just angry at me and needs to be alone and that he would forgive me.

The call made me feel better about salvaging this relationship. Seems I just need to give him his space to think and give him the chance to miss me. I know I hurt him a lot. During the phone call he asked how I was doing and I broke down and told him that I miss his terribly and that I was very sorry for what I did. I said I would do anything to salvage and fix things and would not lie to him again. Of course, I know for now he is still mad, but I have some hope that we can get back what we once had.