My DH & I have been together for nearly 8 years & married for nearly 5. We have 3 kids (my 7yo DS, our 4yo DD, & our nearly 2 DD). I lost my job back in December and then made the decision that I wanted to stay home with our kids and he was supportive of that (and still would be if that was possible). However, he lost his job about a month later. So, he's been on the hunt for a new job ever since. I never received unemployment, so when things started getting rough we asked his sister & her 2 kids to move in with us for some extra income (rent & childcare for her kids#. And then she lost her job about 3 weeks ago, so now we have only my DH's unemployment & my child support for income. We are behind on his student loan, our car loan, our mortgage, and are just royally struggling financially.
And, as he is home with me most of the time, I am expecting serious job hunting, as well as more help with the kids & the housework. If he finds a job & I can stay home, I'll be more than happy to handle most of it on my own, but I feel it's only fair to split it mostly 50/50 until our situation changes.
He agrees with me on a lot of things. But we still keep going through these cycles where we come to some very ugly blow-ups. And he's made threats to leave me, says I'd be better off without him, etc., etc. And afterwards, he always apologizes & says he'll do better. I even have it in writing from one of these occasions. And they always seem to happen late at night as we're going to bed.
We are doing very little extra stuff due to finances, however we have a monthly subscription to World of Warcraft that we both play. But my DH seems to be using it more & more as an escape from everything. He is online playing that far more than he is job-hunting, cleaning, playing with the kids, or spending time with me. I admit, I also spend more time on the computer than I should, but nowhere near what he does. We both have a bad habit of trying to get into a good routine, but then fizzling out within a very short period of time. I've been doing a little better on that, but him not so much. Even my SIL has seen it and both she & my MIL agree with me that he's being selfish & not putting his family first and so on & so forth.
My personal theory regarding him is that he's depressed due to our situation # we could be facing foreclosure within the next 2-3 weeks# and not being able to support us and it's sending him into these bad responses #ie: on the comp all the time, going out to play RPGs (fantasy role-playing games...magic, elfs, science-fic, etc# with his friends 3 nights a week #sometimes from 5 or 6 until 2 or 3 in the morning#, and not doing enough #in my opinion# to find a job in this crappy economy #we're in MI, btw#.
So, last night, after coming home from dropping off my SIL's BFF's little boy after our sons' cub scout pack meeting to find our youngest in a very saggy diaper#for the second time that day# and the other 4 kids still up #past their bedtime#, and him on the comp playing WoW #after claiming a headache from being on the comp too much...apparently to get out of coming with us#, I was like 'I'm done" to my SIL. I had a bag packed for him this morning & when he left to play games with his cousin & some of their friends, I told him he could just go stay at his mom's or something.
I don't want to give up on our marriage...I just want him to wake up, but I'm not sure what it will take. I know I probably have some things to work on myself, but my SIL, MIL, a close friend, & our pastor all see my point of view & seem to agree with my assessment. My MIL & SIL actually both think it's totally his fault. My SIL even says it's normal for my libido to be lacking 'cuz I've had 3 kids. I also think the finances & the stress from him have probably a good bit to do with it, as well.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Please offer me some advice if you can.
Lamairs, first up, you have to cancel the World of Warcraft subscription. Not only is it costing you money you don't have, but your husband would seem to be somewhat addicted to it. Or at least using it as an escape. Cancelling the subscription is Win/win.
Yes, I get that WoW is one of the few things you enjoy together, but start doing something else together. Get some old boardgames out, go for a walk together....
I somewhat disagree that he should be helping you while he's around home. Looking for work should be a *full time* proposition for him. He should have very little time left over for cleaning and childcare.
I saw Dr Phil the other day discussing the current job crisis. He was saying that people who are unemployed should get a part time job to keep *some* cash coming in, while leaving enough time to keep looking for a full time job.
What about your sister? Is she actively looking for work too?
Lastly, I agree that your libido would be affected by all of the above. Hopefully it will return when things fix themselves up.
My SIL was supposed to attend a meeting/hearing at her work with her union rep about whether or not she could get her job back and she forgot what day it was on, so forgot to go. Her unemployment has been approved however (due to the fact that most of her attendance issues started from a medical condition). She is planning on watching her BFF's son after school & her new baby once she's born.
I love her dearly, but she has a tendency to hang out in "the bat cave", as we refer to her room in the basement, for most of the day. Plus she's been sick & otherwise indisposed. And for the last week or so, my DH has been oversleeping. So I've been the one in charge of the kids, from dropping the boys off at school (although the last couple of days my SIL has picked them up, since she's watching her BFF's son after school)to putting them to bed, as well as seeing my oldest DD off on the bus the 2 days/week she goes to school & giving the 3 girls their bath. We had a family meeting between the 3 of us a few months back about getting a good discipline system down for the kids, but that's still a work in progress.
I've been trying to get him to do other things with me, but he's difficult. Getting him outside just to be outside is nearly impossible. We have been trying to pull out some card/board games and we watch a few shows together. That's about it.
Also, I'm beginning to feel as though I can't trust him about certain things. He'll tell me he's done something (such as making rather important calls about his unemployment) just to stop me from asking him about it, even if he hasn't (which is probably how we managed to not get about 6 weeks of it over the course of the summer). Plus, I've had to hide our debit cards so he'll stop going out to eat with his friends when they play their games (although he seems to get how bad things are now...but I'm still leery).
We've talked things over & we seem to be in total agreement, but he is always the first one to slip back into our bad habits. It's like we're never in sync about anything when it comes to actually doing it.
My marriage failed largely because my husband was a computer game addict. It wasn't just WoW...it was basically any RPG or shoot-em-up game he could find. I think he had 50-60 games loaded on his computer. 5-7 days a week he played games from the moment he got home from work (~5:30) until 1-2:00 every morning, then for another hour before work. Weekends were nonstop gaming from when he woke up until bedtime. As you can imagine, I couldn't get much attention or work out of him. He would take an afternoon off if there were family obligations or it was at the point where he knew he really had to get something done, but he would often be resentful that he had to.
I used to play as well, but I found it too difficult to juggle all of the housework, shopping, errands etc, and I finally quit. It was a huge relief when I did; I had so much more free time! To be honest, I don't know how anyone with young children can responsibly make the time to play games like this - maybe when they are sleeping I guess, but I know from firsthand experience that the draw the continue playing longer than you should can be very hard to resist.
I would advise you to cancel the subscription(s) immediately to save money, but since you are pre-paying the game will still be available for awhile. This is a serious distraction that will only get worse as time goes on. If the threat of imminent foreclosure of your home isn't enough to get your husband off the computer, then you guys have got to make the decision to remove the temptation completely and uninstall WoW from your computer(s).
As far as the job issue goes, if his unemployment money is more than he could make if he picked up some random job, I can understand why he might be holding out for a better position. Since you are not receiving any unemployment, is it possible for you to obtain a part-time job for awhile? Could your SiL watch the kids for you? Maybe this is something you guys could work out until your husband finds the right job, then you could go back to full-time mom?
Has there been any change or update since you posted? I hope you are able to work things out.
Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw Keys to the Kingdom, Alison Armstrong (the non-story version is available on CDs and she also has a lot of free information at her website understandmen.com
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Love 
