I am in a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy. Things with us are great, about 95% of the time. We argue maybe once every 3 or 4 months. He is The One for me, and he has told me the same. So now that I know I've found the man of my dreams, I need to make sure it lasts.
My guy is EXTREMELY even keel - I have seen him angry maybe once in the year and a half we've been together. Nothing fazes him. I, however, get upset at certain things from time to time. What girl doesn't get annoyed once in a blue moon ;-) It's almost always something trivial, but it's his reaction (or lack thereof) to me being upset that drives me crazy.
The few times I have gotten upset with him make him completely clam up. We begin our usual pattern with me giving him the silent treatment, where I wait for him to approach me to either apologize or at least acknowledge that there is something wrong. I know this is wrong for me to do, but I am stubborn (one of my "features", heehee). So my guy won't even admit there is a problem, even though we will go HOURS without speaking to each other. Normally when we are together, we are always touching each other lovingly in some way, laughing, and talking. He is EXTREMELY physically affectionate . But when I'm upset, he disappears (both physically and emotionally). When I finally go to talk to him about it (and I resent it because it's always me going to him), he always says he didn't know anything was wrong, and uses some excuse like he thought I was busy doing housework/chores/etc. and didn't want to bother me.
I know for a FACT he knows something is wrong, because he would be with me talking and laughing if things were fine. So how are we supposed to communicate about the problem? I have told him so many times that I need him to work with me to discuss our issues and work them out together, but I just get a blank stare, or he simply says, "Everything is fine!" Everything is NOT fine. It is like talking to a brick wall and it's SO frustrating!! I don't feel understood at all.
Is there any way to get him to work with me and talk through our issues instead of trying to pretend nothing ever happened? I know there is a sensitive soul in there - he is loving and generous when there is no conflict - but he refuses to "get emotional" about anything if I get upset. I just want us to understand each other and have a dialogue that isn't just me telling him how I think he should behave.
"Is there any way to get him to work with me and talk through our issues instead of trying to pretend nothing ever happened? "
Well that depends, can you also learn how to have an honest mature conversation with him? (no silent treatment that's childish) Sometimes it is how you approach something that will give you the reaction you get. If you want him to react differently, why don't you approach it differently.
" I know there is a sensitive soul in there - he is loving and generous when there is no conflict - but he refuses to "get emotional" about anything if I get upset. I just want us to understand each other and have a dialogue that isn't just me telling him how I think he should behave. "
You shouldn't tell him how he should behave, you aren't his mother.
Have you ever thought perhaps that is just the way he deals with things? If so, why would you want to change him? Did you not fall in love with him as he is? Most guys don't like drama (and a lot women just love it). Men say things change after the relationship gets more serious/marriage and alot of times they are right. You accepted him as he has been all this time, and you want him to magically change to what you think he should be.....that's just wrong.
It sounds more like you want him as emotional as you get....and that is not going to happen. Doesn't make either one of you right or wrong you just handle things differently.
Learn how to communicate with each other, in a mature calm manner, stop thinking his reaction needs to be like yours. Realize you communicate things differently, accept them and try to work together...if you can't do that then end it.
It's not the picture you paint at all. You made a lot of assumptions and generalizations about the way things have been handled. I am no drama queen, nor do I want to change him. I have tried from the very beginning to discuss things immediately and maturely, but he keeps everything very close to the vest, and it gets frustrating at times. I don't get overly emotional at all, nor do I dictate to him what his behavior should be. I just say that we need to communicate. He needs to find his own way to do so; and I don't want my way to be his, but there does need to be some middle ground.
I was hoping for some encouraging words, because I absolutely do not want to end it. We are great together, and was just looking for advice on this one issue.
Thanks!
Have you ever thought perhaps that is just the way he deals with things? If so, why would you want to change him? Did you not fall in love with him as he is? Most guys don't like drama (and a lot women just love it). Men say things change after the relationship gets more serious/marriage and alot of times they are right. You accepted him as he has been all this time, and you want him to magically change to what you think he should be.....that's just wrong.
It sounds more like you want him as emotional as you get....and that is not going to happen. Doesn't make either one of you right or wrong you just handle things differently.
Learn how to communicate with each other, in a mature calm manner, stop thinking his reaction needs to be like yours. Realize you communicate things differently, accept them and try to work together...if you can't do that then end it.
>>I have tried from the very beginning to discuss things immediately and maturely<<
I'm a little confused, because this contradicts your 'silent treatment' you mentioned in your first post. Perhaps you can clarify a bit for us?
If there is still some degree of silent treatment by you, it is probably the worst thing you could do if you want him to open up. Guys (and girls, for that matter) tend to not like playing guessing games. If you've got a problem, it's better to come straight out with it instead of dragging the issue out over hours.
That aside, do the things you want to discuss really *need* to be discussed? I know that there are some small things which I do and my partner does which annoy each other, but there's really no point in discussing trivial matters. (like I'm a bit messy and he hangs the washing wrong) If these foibles are basically acceptable, it's better to just put it aside get on with things.
However, if your partner has a number of *unacceptable* foibles, then it's time to start questioning the relationship.
Dang I just wrote my response but it never came through, hope this time it works.
I totally understand where you are coming from because my bf is very similar to your's. He's a wonderful guy but whenever we have disagreements, he tends to clam up and gives me the silent treatment. We once sat in the same room for 4+ hours without saying a single word to each other!
From my own experience, what ive learned is that my bf does this because #1) he genuinely does not know what to say to me so he shuts down #2) he doesnt want to say anymore to avoid upsetting me further/avoid more conflicts #3) that's just the way he deals with things.
It took me a while to understand this about him so instead of pressuring him to open up, I just give each other space to let out some steam on our own. I then bring the subject up when we're both in a good mood, but NOT in a confrontational way. I find that works wonders, he usually opens up and willing to discuss things with me when we're both happy. I use this strategy even with other sensitive subjects such as finances or other relationship issues. I find that if you keep the communication flow constant, talk about things when both of you are happy, then conflicts get resolved before they even arise.
Of course my relationship is far from perfect and we still argue from time to time about the unexpected stuff, but we dont fight as much, hence less silent treatments.
Love 
