Ask the Relationship Saver

I've been married for about 7 years now to a 1 in a million guy named James. Before him I was in a 3 year relationship with this guy Eli with whom I remained close even after we broke-up because he wanted to settle down and I didn't. J&E got along pretty well and were becoming friends.

Two weeks ago they went out to the movies and on the way back a drunk driver rammed into them. James got away with a concussion,a broken arm, sprained ankle and a few bumps and bruises. Eli didn't make it and it absolutely devastated me. James was trying to be as supportive as he could but after the funeral last week I just blew up and in the heat of the moment told him I wish it had been him not Eli.

I know it was wrong and would give anything to take it back but I just felt so angry that James got away with barely any damage and Eli died. James won't even look me in the eye since it happened 3 days ago and we've barely exchanged 2 words. I just don't have the worlds to tell him how sorry I am. What do I do?

Welcome to the board viennalee,

Please look into some grief counseling. I think it could really help you.

I'm wondering at your relationship with Eli since he wasn't your spouse.

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

 

"but I just felt so angry that James got away with barely any damage and Eli died."

Maybe it's the way you worded it but it just sounds so wrong.  WHY would you feel ANGRY that your husband got away with minor injuries when you should've felt GRATEFUL that he even survived?  My condolences to you and Im sorry your ex didn't make it but what happened to your ex had nothing to do with your husband. Your anger is directed at the wrong person. If anything, you should be angry at the drunk.

I agree with the first poster, you should seek professional counselling to cope with your loss and maybe some underlying issues within your marriage.

Is your relationship really that good?  Sounds like this remark came deep out of your unconscious.  See, I would feel just the opposite.  Terribly relieved my spouse was the one spared.

I don't know, this could be a deal breaker for your husband.  It sure would be for me.  It would be game over, fold the card table and go.  If he doesn't, consider yourself the luckiest woman in the world.