Ask the Relationship Saver

Dear Dr. Shoshanna.

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like my world is falling apart. I'll try to explain it all as short and simple as possible.

My husband and I met when we were young. I was 16 and he was 17 years old. From the moment I saw him I knew I'd marry him someday. We were close friends for about 7 months before we got together. When it did happen it was amazing. Then something happened around the 2 year mark that I can't really put a finger on. I think considering his age at the time he was torn between wanting to be able to party like a teenager and being held down by me. I guess he says he tried to break up with me but he saw how hurt I looked as he started the conversation that he stopped because he didn't want to hurt me. Well we decided to move to Vegas together because there was more opportunity there and we wanted a change. He told me he was going either way so if I wanted to stay together I'd have to go with. I gave up my whole life and everything I had for him and went with him. 3 years later things were going well (in my eyes# and we were thinking about moving to Hawaii because we have friends there. The plan was for me to go ahead for a month and pick out a place and he'd follow. A week after getting there he texts me a message #YES texts.) and says he's not in love with me anymore and he's met someone else and he wanted to stay friends but were done. It broke my heart. He was my world. My forever. I was so hurt. I thought everything was good. How could he do this to me.Well a month later I came back to Vegas and after living at his parents for 3 weeks he calls me and asks me to come back home because he couldn't afford our apt on his own. He wanted it to be clear that he wasn't in love with me and that he'd dated this other girl and ended it but he didn't want anything more then friends. After 5 years it came to this? So I went back because I was madly in love with him. I have never been able to even think about anyone else but him. He said he wanted to see where things ended up. He wanted us to find that spark again. Well we didn't last long just being friends and before I knew it a year had gone by and I was pregnant with our first child. Fatherhood changed my husband. He grew up. He became the Man I always knew he could be. Caring, loving. He'd grown past all the stuff he wanted before and I finally felt like this was it. The next year we decided we should have another because we wanted out kids close in age and we only wanted 2. We got married while I was pregnant with my son and although it wasn't the kind of wedding I wanted because of finances I decided to just do it because he'd finally decided to commit to me and I wanted going to give him a chance to back out. Things were great! I fell into a bit of depression in the past year after having our son and gained some weight but I didn't think it was a HUGE deal. I didn't take care of him in anyway that a wife should but I kept waiting for him to make the moves. I guess after everything in our past I had more trust issues then I though. He's only told me he loved him 3 times since he broke my heart in Hawaii. I told myself that that was just who he was. Well flash forward to now. About 2 years after getting married I had the opportunity to go see my parents in NC so I decided to go for 5 weeks because I have not been back in almost 4 years. James was okay with that and I felt secure knowing he was committed to me and our family. Our family was his life. I noticed over the past year that he's been quick to anger and didn't seem happy but every time I tried to talk to him about it he'd go on and on about how he felt like he couldn't support us and give us the things we wanted and he hated his job etc.. but NEVER ANYTHING about us. So I come back from Vacation in Aug and within 4 days of being back he said He'd never gotten his feeling back for me and he still wasn't in love with the person I'd become. That he wanted an independent, motivated, captivating woman and I was just some scared little girl that needed him to survive. He said he wanted to take a break to "find" ourselves. He says that since we got together so young that I never had my heart broken by anyone else and he was my first and how could I even know I loved him If i didn't have anyone to compare him to. He said he married me out of obligation to our kids and he was just tired of living a lie and decided at was time for someone to change our marriage. That divorce would be okay and the kids would adapt if that's what it came to. He said if I stay this same fragile unmotivated person that I am then we might as well just devorce now because he knows that there is more to me inside and does not want to hold me back. He said that he wants more out of life and the person he truly wants to be is that same person he was back in Vegas and yeah he was a selfish bastered but he deserved to be selfish and take care of himself for a change. He said he wanted to take it day by day and see what happened because he truly only wants to be with me but right now he needs the space for us to become the people we want to be then come back together. Find that spark again. and If we meet other people along the way that yeah it would hurt but it's a process we have to go through to learn to love ourselves.

First, yeah I have been going through a funk. But I just had 2 kids in 3 years. Give me a break. I was very closed off to him in some ways like intimacy. I CRAVED intimacy from him but I always waited for him to make the move. Like I said I feel like after what happened in our past I think I was scared. Funny thing is is that being on vacation brought alot of things to mind and I came back home planning on talking to him about working on us more and reviving our relationship a little. Nothing to do with breaking up or anything but just going out and dates and stuff more. I just don't know how he could make this decision on his own without even talking to me first. To give me a chance to work on it. He's just done for now and I just have to deal with it. I noted he'd changed the cell phone plan from 30 dollars a month (all we needed because he only used it to stay in contact with me) to the unlimited 130 dollar a month plan. We don't make much money as it is so I was very upset. He said he was finally having friends and a life so he needed to be able to talk on his phone. I found his phone one day with 171 calls to some girl. 15 calls that very day alone. I want crazy and found her on MySpace and sent her messages about how could she talk to a married man when her profile says that she too is married. I confronted him about it and he says there just friends and this has nothing todo with her and shes happily married and he talks to her about things he can't talk to me about. Like sex. Because he's a freak and wants things like a 3 some and stuff but he said that he couldn't talk to me about stuff like that because I'm too closed minded. So I got angry and I left him for about 2 weeks and took the kids and stayed at his parents and he was like 'okay I want the kids on the weekends that all I ask" then turned around a week after me being gone and cried like a baby to his brother about how he misses us and wants us back home. but then the next day I asked him about it and he said his feelings had not changed. He wants more out of life and wants passion and intimacy and love and I told him I wanted the same things and he said right now He wanted a break. He didn't think any of it would be from the heart and kept saying the person he has been for the past 4 years has been a lie and he's decided to be true to himself again and he wanted to be selfish and take care of himself. He went a joined collage so now he goes to school ft and works ft. He fell REALLY behind on our bills while I was gone but used his grant money to buy himself a computer and a new phone (500 dollars) and spends money on himself. He opened his own bank account so his grant money could go in there and he could spend it as he wished. Our cable got shut off and our car needs repairs so it can pass emissions because our registration just came due but he says that's all wants not needs. That I could take the bus or drive on expired tags if I needed to go anywhere because right now we can't afford it. I feel like I am living with a stranger. Who is this man and where did my husband go? He sounds so confused as he talks like someone planted all this stuff in his head. I don't think he's cheating. He does not have time to cheat and when he's not at school or work he is with me and the kids but it's just not the same. I came back home because getting his family involved was just making things worse and he has been alot better since I have been back. almost like he's realizing all the damage he's doing. But there's still that disconnection and it's killing me. He keeps saying he wants me to just finally be happy with myself then we can work on us again, that he will support me in anything and will always be there for me no matter what happens. The husband I had before I went on vacation gave everything he had to take care of the kids and I. I am in shock by his selfishness. I have always been the type to work FT and gave that up because both of us wanted me to stay home with the kids and now he says he wants me to put the kids in daycare and get a job if I'll be happier but I don't even have a car right now. He takes the bus around now and he does not understand why I can't. His selfishness makes me sick. now that he goes to school and work 5 days a week he is only home for about 20 minutes a day. Enough time to shower change eat and be gone again. He says he has todo this to get his life on track and for HIS life and HIS future. It use to be OUR future. I am doing the Mort Fertel program and it seems to be working some. Through this whole thing he has not been hateful or angry. I almost wish he'd show something. Just give me hope. I am just so confused. I thought we were fine besides some minor stuff. We have been together 10 years this feb but married 2 years this feb. I don't care what he says about feeling obligated to marry me I don't believe it. He was happy. He's the one who wanted to have our son when we did. He was fully committed. He always talked about our future and even after I'd been gone on vacation for 2 weeks he would get angry if I'd say "It's so nice being home" because he'd say "This is your home. I'm your family and this is your home." I thought it was kinda sweet that he cared that much. He talked about taking me out on dates and stuff when I got back and then about a week before I came back I started feeling the disconnection. I've had people ask me if he's on drugs because everyone has noticed the change but James is SOO not the type. His family wants nothing to do with him and his selfishness. He has lost almost everyone he ever truly had in his life and he says he's okay with that. If they can't accept that he wants to finally be happy then they don't need to be in his life to bring him down. He clams he's been trying to work on us and I never even noticed. I just pushed him away. I'm just trying to stay calm for the kids and get myself together because I truly am not happy with myself. But I miss my husband so bad that it kills me. I have him here but can't touch him. It hurts so bad. I have good days then I just crash again. I don't want to separate the family. This all just happened overnight. He stopped talking on the phone as much and barley texts at all anymore unless I try to try to get close to him and touch him then he grabs his phone and starts texting again. It has been alot better the past few weeks but I'm inpatient and want more. I want my husband back in all ways. I can see that he wants me but even when we have been together since I have been back there's even disconnection there. He won't open his eyes, It's just not the same at all. He said he can't give me more right now because he's not emotionally there right now. I dunno what advice you can give. I guess this has turned into more of a vent then anything. I'm just not ready to give up. He's my forever. I'm trying to stay strong and stop crying everyday. My life was mapped out and we had plans and now I feel so alone. It's all me. I want to be a stronger person. I do want to figure out who I am but that has nothing to do about wanting to be with him. Him and our family is my core. I thought he felt the same way. Now thinking of my life without him kills me. Okay if anyone has stuck around to read all this thank you. Sorry this is so long... it kinda got away from me. Thanks for listening.