Ask the Relationship Saver

So here it is –

I met my husband approx. 3 years ago.  It was love at first sight for both of us.  What a whirlwind romance it was.  My friends and family constantly remarked on how “different” I was, how “happy” I was.  We were, and I believe still are, perfect for each other.  The first time I met him (in a bar, which we had both said we would never do) He told me about his daughter (she had just turned 6 at the time)  We were both young and I thought it showed a lot of integrity to tell me about his daughter right away.  I was very impressed that at the young age of 16 he had manned up and taken responsibility.  Now I know people are “supposed” to take responsibility for their children and they shouldn’t be getting pat’s on the back and rewards for doing what was expected of them.  But my husband had finished high school, finished college, paid his support, took advantage of his time that was CO’d to him plus more.  This, to me, showed me that he was a responsible man.  Someone that I could look at every day and be proud of. 

We started off dating and it became very serious very quickly.  There was never a doubt in my mind or his, that we were destined to be together.  We had both had 2 other long(ish) relationships, learned a lot from them and were ready to move on.  I’ll just say that for about a year everything was absolutely perfect so we’ll skip ahead. 

After we’d been together for about 1 year, he proposed.  It was beautiful.  So thoughtful.  I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.  Around this time we had been saving money and looking to buy a house.  Things were still perfect.  We moved in with my parents for about 5 months (rent free) saved our down payment.  About 6 months after he proposed, we moved into our new house.

I’m not going to say that this is where things started to go wrong.  Because “things” didn’t go wrong.  Two things happened.  Two things that to this day, I have a hard time getting over, forgetting, honestly forgiving.  Two things that I would like to erase from my memory. Two things that if I could just “let go” we would go back to what we were.

The first weekend in our new house (we hadn’t even unpacked yet) we went to a party with some friends.  We drank……too much.  Our friends drank….too much.  Everyone was in pretty rough shape, so we invited them back to our house to stay the night.  Me, my husband, 2 guys and 1 girl.  The girl was having a bit of trouble with one of the guys and was nervous to sleep on the couch.  So this being a really good friend of mine, I told her she could sleep with me and my husband if she was uncomfortable.  I know….it was so stupid of me.  Talk about inviting trouble.

 Anyway, my husband was hammered. We were lying in bed.  My husband on one side, me in the middle and the girl on the other side.  I wear earplugs when I sleep so I wasn’t hearing anything.  My husband kept touching my leg and stomach until I finally told him to stop.  He got up and was sick in the bathroom.  I was waiting for him to come back to bed when I must have drifted off a bit.  The next thing I know, the girl is elbowing me in the ribs.  I woke up and saw my husband leaning over her,  lightly touching her arm and he had his lips to her shoulder.  I freaked.  I jumped up and ran out of the room.  I had no idea what to do.  He came downstairs and I screamed and yelled.  Told him not to touch me.  The girl left and my husband and I fought.  He denied knowing what happened.  At first he denied that anything happened,  then he said he could not remember anything, he blacked out.  It went on for quite a while and I was pretty hysterical.  It made no sense to me.  I had never seen him do anything like that.  I had never even imagined him doing anything like that.  It’s hard to write how everything happened.  But to make a long story short, I made all kinds of excuses for him, took a lot of time and eventually kind of forgave him.  The excuse I made was that he must have thought that she was me because she “was” on my side of the bed. 

            A couple of days later, I was really messed up.  Not sure whether to trust him or not, I snooped in him e-mail.  Everything was pretty basic.  Nothing out of the ordinary (and I just want to clarify….I had NEVER done this before).  I went to his sent messages and found a message that he had sent about 4 days before he proposed to me.  It was to an escort from one city who was coming to our city.  I was furious.  I confronted him.  He said he never met her (which I believe because we are together pretty much all the time)  But that he e-mailed her because his friends said that sometimes she e-mails some pretty funny/wild stuff back.  He cried, we argued.  I out and out asked him if he had a problem with sex.  If he loved me.  If he felt a need to be with other people.  He then broke down (I had never seen him like this before) and disclosed that when he was young (about 6-7), he was molested on more than one occasion by a neighbourhood boy who was a few years older than him.  He told his mom and his mom told him not to “play” over there anymore and just to forget it.  Now I felt horrible about what he was saying but there was a little piece of me that was feeling selfish and was angry that he was yet again, finding an excuse.

So those are the two things.  Nothing every happened before and nothing ever happened after.  I trust my husband.  More so than before.  He did everything I asked.  If I want to, I will check his e-mail (doesn’t happen very often anymore), I will check his phone, I will check his voicemail.  I’ve never come across anything that is even remotely inappropriate.

Here’s the problem.  I can’t forget.  I’m still angry.  Sometimes things will be fine but I find our relationship very strained.  My husband has never been great at talking.  He can be a little passive aggressive (I don’t put up with that)  But we do argue more, and sometimes I find myself bringing up one or both of these “two things”

Sometimes, I’m sitting on the bus and the image of my husband and my friend just pops into my head.  I don’t ask for it, but it’s there….and it’s so vivid.  I end up coming home in a “not great mood”.  My husband reacts to that in a passive aggressive way.  And then the fight starts.

He’s also getting frustrated with me.  All of this came to head right after we hade moved into our house (which was a dream to me). I had no get-up-and-go.  I didn’t do laundry, I didn’t clean.  I didn’t work on projects that we had talked about.  To me, there was no point.  I was never honest with him about that.  I just didn’t do it.  Now, I do more around the house, but I still have trouble “caring” what it looks like, if it’s clean.  And if it needs something done to it, I just want him to do it.  I know that’s not fair but its how I feel.

Before you suggest counselling, we can’t afford it.  My husband and I went to one session together after all this stuff happened.  I didn’t like the counsellor and I was angry at my husband because the session revolved around my husband and he didn’t mention the “two things”.  My husband then went to a different counsellor on his own for about 4-5 sessions before we were married.  He asked me to come to one, but I wasn’t ready.  I was still angry from when we had gone together. 

I love my husband very much.  He loves me.  We are so compatible but I feel like his crappy choices have tainted our relationship.  Are we doomed??  How do I get past this.  How do we get back on track.  If I didn’t think it was worth it to work on, I wouldn’t be here.  We wouldn’t have gotten married.  I just want to erase those “two things” and start over…..but I don’t seem to be able to.

Welcome to the board spinknottle,

What if you could forgive and remember? I don't think forgetting is in anyone's best interest.

Our thoughts are what cause our emotion - the flash of your friend's face, causes the emotional response. There is a way to deal with that.

Reading material to consider:
Using Your Brain for a Change, Richard Bandler
Keying: The Power of Positive Feelings, Donald Dossey
Tools of the Spirit, by Robert Dilts and Robert McDonald (I've worked with Robert McDonald, so if you have any questions, you can email me through my profile.)

Both of these books have process for change your feelings about something.

Of course you feel betrayed by him for both incidents....yet considering what you describe about the counseling and not going because you were still angry about the first counselor and what did or didn't happen, I would guess that you hold onto your anger/resentments for awhile.

The other incident, sounds like he was being 'stupid' based on the advice of his friend - unthinking and young, but I can understand the strain it's placed on your marriage.

If you would like a forgiveness letter to write out and burn, email me through my profile.

More reading material:
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

   

Ask yourself what your payoff is for staying mad?  Yes it was inappropriate for your husband to have touched/kissed your friend, but under the circumstances; drinking, sleeping in your bed with you - it's easy to understand how that could have happened.  Do you have a right to be upset?  Of course you do, but it sounds like drunken silly behavior - it's not like he set out to cheat on you, or even that he got very far before he was snapped out of his stupor.  Get over it; because look at what it's costing you to not get over it.  Yours and your husband's happiness.  As for the emailing - same thing - did he meet up with her?  Did they have an affair?  No.  Forgiveness is a choice..  I think you really need to keep asking yourself what you are getting out of staying mad and holding onto this resentment.  Most relationships that result in marriage have a fairytale beginning..  But the honeymoon ends in all relationship and then keeping the love and feelings alive take work and compromise and forgiveness.   Do you want your marriage to work?  Then make a choice to accept what has happened and move on with your relationship.  Life is short - you can waste it being angry and resentful about something that cannot be changed or you can put things into perspective.  There are so many single women out there who will never know what it is like to have a man propose to them, to be loved so much that the man is willing to do anything to make it right.  Is the glass half full or half empty?  Do you want these two incidents to define your relationship?  Ask yourself - do you want to be right or happy?  Let go of this stuff and forgive your husband or eventually he'll get tired of being sorry all the time.

Best wishes,

Coolas

Well, before I comment you should know I am not at all tolerant of men's BS indiscretions.

However, I think if you cannot come to some measure of peace about this issue it will destroy your marriage, and overall it sounds not too bad.

The thing is, you said your husband was "hammered" and doesn't remember much, and recall it did happen IN YOUR PRESENCE so not much could have happened without you being aware of it.  He didn't do it behind your back.  I think you should cut him a bit of slack.  You set the apple on his plate and he was drunk.  For the life of me I can't think why you would let another woman in your bed. Can you see how this looks like you might be giving tacit approval to a bit of "experimentation".  So I think you have to acknowledge your part and it cancels out.

Now, emailing the escort thing,  totally not ok at all.  His excuse is typical male BS.  I'd let him know that that indiscretion will have you keeping an eye on him forever.

But then try to carry it more loosely and see if you can forgive him.