Ask the Relationship Saver

I feel like I'm losing my mind!  My husband and I have been married for 11 years.  8 years ago he had a brief affair that was mostly emotional.  I was pregnant with our second child at the time and quickly saw a lawyer.  Within a week he had changed his mind and said he wanted to work things out.  We went to counseling and things seemed fine.  I've struggled with this for years, though and feel it haunts me.   We now have 3 kids and I'm a stay at home mom.  My dh works very hard and is gone most of the week for work.  I don't feel he has cheated or is cheating now, but my needs are not getting met.  I need to feel loved and appreciated.  I'd like more than a 5 minute phone call per day, I'd like a hug and  kiss and an I love you every day.  Is that asking for too much?  I'd like flowers or a card or a little gift now and then.  I work very hard to take care of everything at home so he can have a great career.  I have sacrificed a great deal throughout our marriage.  I'm in good shape and take good care of myself.  I'm so depressed that we can't have this intimate romantic relationship that I dream of.  We have a decent sex life, but he never tells me he loves me....it's starting to feel like I'm being used.......you know?  He never plans to take me out to nice places or plans anything nice for my birthday or anniversary.  I just want to feel loved and these things would do that.  Be honest, is that asking too much?  What do I do?  I can't make him do these things!  I'm just at a loss and really unhappy.  UGH!!

Welcome to the board isandabsmom,

What does your husband do or say when you tell him what you need?

Most people do not respond well to criticism. Is there anything he does that you do like? If so, praise it. Find the good and praise it.

Reading material:
Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (ask him to read it also)
Could be he's showing loves in other ways

The Amazing Development of Men (CD set) by Alison Armstrong - her website also has a ton of free information - understandmen.com

My best to you.

 

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

   

I don't think you are asking too much.  You want to feel special, given all you are and do for him.  He could make some effort.  My husband tells me at least once a day, sincerely that he loves me, or that he adores me, and always thinks of me, bringing me home little things he sees while shopping that he knows I like.

Your husband had a near, or a true affair on you just a few years ago, so that tells me he in actuality, is taking you for granted, and he came back only because his comfort zone was threatened.

However, how to MAKE someone else be romantic or thoughtful,  I don't see how it can be done.  I am sure you have given him hints at what you want.  I was making noises to my ex for YEARS before I left about how unhappy I was with his behavior, and when I asked for a divorce, he said, "I didn't think you would EVER play the divorce card on me",   and I said,  "AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I AM LEAVING YOU.  BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD DO OR SAY ANYTHING TO ME AND I WOULD NEVER LEAVE"...

Perhaps, one last attempt at marital counseling.  If that doesn't work, leave the selfish guy.  You deserve better