Making a Second Marriage Work

I have four kids with my ex husband.  We've been divorced for almost 5 years.  In that time period we haven't paid each other child support, we've only split expenses.  When we first divorced I paid for insurance which was $37 at the time and school lunches.  He paid for DD's after school care.  He stopped having a sitter for her in '06 and I continued to pay insurance and school lunches.  The health insurance went up to almost $78 and the dental is $14 a pay period.  He doesn't even give this a second thought.

I make more money than he and have always covered their health insurance and the bills have been in my name.  Since my ex husband got re-married he's been more "in your face" with me.   He constantly makes decisions based on what "we feel is best" meaning him and his new wife.

My now 17-year-old dd now lives with them full time because "we feel it's best that she stay with us on your weekends".  All because I grounded her for her bad attitude and even worse grades.  I basically said fine, she's all yours.  Good luck. 

My oldest son who is not 19 lived with me full time during his senior year and I never got support money from my ex.  My son has asthma and I got a print out from the pharmacy of what I paid for meds and it was over $240 that year.  My ex doesn't think that counts because DS19 would visit them on occassion.   I took care of his senior pictures and got him settled in college by buying his books and making a tuition deposit.  My ex did NOTHING to help.

My ex decided that he wanted to switch dentists and didn't ask me, told me he was.  So now for two of the kids the dentist bills are now in his name.  He wants me to pay half of those bills.  That's fine except that he has refused for the last 4 years to pay half the bills I've been taking care of.

Because 17-year-old dd is living with him full time he's decided to take me back for child support.  This is a huge headache.  I don't have money to pay him weekly.  I have 50/50 custody of our other two kids and pay the lion's share of things for them.  Last year alone I paid $400 for their school lunches and $400 for school clothes.  I did all their back to school shopping this year as well and have already paid $80 on their school lunches.

It really sucks that I make more money than him and I'm hoping that all the receipts I've saved over the years will help them to not just look at the child support table when they come up with a number.

I guess maybe back when the divorce happened going to court and having an agreement in place may have been the better option, however, with that being said, it doesn't seem like that couldn't happen now...Depending on where you live dictates the CS plain and simple (it also can be dependent on the amount of time you have the children or not). 

In NY, it doesn't matter what the time is that you may have them, it is strictly a percentage of both parents' salaries.  Oh and depending on the state 18 is almost legal age of emancipation, so kind of stupid on his part to be doing this now...

Even though you make more it would seem to count for something that you have two kids in your custody...so I would think that would have to be looked at-in addition, both salaries need to be considered and maybe it could work out better for you, if it was found that at some other time he "could" have the potential to make more, then he would be ordered to pay based on a higher amount...if nothing else, then maybe he'd need to get a second job...

I think this is a vent post, right?  I mean you really can not unscramble this mess without a lawyer.  Paying college costs is not required in any child support agreement.  18 is the years it CS cuts off.  Hopefully, Liz, our resident lawyer here, will chime in.  It must be very frustrating when you are struggling and he seems to do what he wants at his own whim. 

Was the expense splitting put in writing at the time of the divorce?  Usually the care of the children is very much the main issue when divorcing and any lawyer (I think) worth their weight would advise you to have everything down to how holidays work in writing!  Even then, my lawyer said that we could at anytime, either of us, review and rework the agreement if our situations changed. 

Pam

Hi isysmoon,

I would agree on consulting with a lawyer re: revisiting the custody/support orders. 

I find it strange that there was NO "CS" amount calculated...was this because ALL visitation was 50/50 at the time....and since you earned more, ...you paid medical, and both of you were OK with this agreement?  (he probably was happy to get a full 50/50 being a dad, and you probably were happy with no CS$ to him since you earn alot more?)

Anyhow....I would consider consulting with a lawyer re: what you could reasonably expect if you DID got back to revisit this agreement....you're maybe still better off with what you have versus what it might wind up being.....on the other hand, the 17 yo (is she a senior?) will be done (most likely...depends on your state ) with CS at age 18 or when graduates HS.  I believe there are one or two states that have CS continue beyond age 18/19....but most dont. 

Anyhow, a good lawyer would be your best bet for helping you figure out if it's best to open that can of worms....or leave it be and just put up with his BS, pay what you are required and that's all.....and try to ignore listening to anything else from him.......

.......how does your original agreement address the dental bills?  are you each supposed to be paying half, and he never paid half of son's dental/medical bills?  In that case, I'd consider making copies of his "unpaid" bills, and making up an invoice that shows both on it, and looks like you'd be coming ahead with still owing him less than what he owes you....

PS: most lawyers have free or very low cost "consultation" fees...... consulting with a DIFFERENT lawyer than the one who drafted your original agreement might get you a different perspective on your situation?

No child support was agreed upon by both of us and it is in writing in our divorce agreement.  This was agreed upon because at the time we both made similiar amounts of money.  My ex was self employed and we went by his tax returns.  The judge actually had a hard time with this because the ex was actually reflecting that he made "zero" during the tax year of our divorce.  The judge had gone by the prior year.  It was looking like my ex was hiding money so the judge followed the prior year which was equal to mine.

I have no choice about revisiting all this because my ex wants to go back to court.  Apparently he applied for medicaid and now I have to be investigated because he's claiming he needs services.  The kids do NOT need services because I provide medical and dental.  I really don't know what he's thinking.

The ex and I had IN WRITING that we would split health co-pays 50/50.  I have been paying for the bills up until the last year.  He changed dentists on me for two of our kids (without my consent) so now he has outstanding bills that he's stressing about.  Had he left them at their regular dentist the bills would all have been mine and he would have refused to pay those like all the other bills he's refused over the years.

And YES I have all the statements of medical/dental bills that I've paid.  I had given up asking him to help pay because he ripped up the bills and threw them on my lawn.  I HAD to pay these bills because everything was in my name and I did not want my credit ruined having them go in to collections.

I paid over $400 for school lunches for the two kids we split 50/50 last year and have bought all their school clothes the last two years. 

I have an consultation appointment with a really good lawyer on Oct 6th.  She's got a really good reputation and is in high demand.  I'm shocked I was able to get an appointment with her.