In a second marriage, we each have a boy, same teen age. They are completely different boys, but they get along quite well. I have "felt" that my husband has never really liked my son (he is very much like my ex who neither of us can stand), but because he is my son, I will always love him. DH insists that he does not treat my son differently than his own son, which is a total skewe from reality, but, that is what he insists.
Anyways, it is a signficant issue between the two of us. It's as though DH feels that his son is perfect and is the "gold standard" from which my son should aspire to be. HAH. My son is who he is and I feel that we should accept him the way he is (faults, and all), and reinforce the positive aspects of his behavior.
I feel like this one issue could end our marriage because it is a point of contention that has arisen time and time again for the past 3 years.
and reinforce the positive aspects of his behavior.
I agree with you 100%. "comparing" anyone to anyone is a downhill slide regardless.....
e.g.:
...he should aspire for good grades, because throughout his life he should always do his best....not because someone else studies gets good grades, so he should also.
...he should wash out his snack dishes and put them in the dish drainer because that's what responsible family members do...not because someone else remembers to do that, and so he should also.
IMO: If he's being compared to the step brother...yes...it's going to lead to resentments, etc over time...most definitely. Nothing good will come of it.
One thing to consider:
Your DH might be *hearing* your "acceptance"of DS as he is as *excusing* DS's "bad behaviors" . So you might want to think just about the WAY you convey these ideas to DH?
And, honestly, I think it is just COMPLETELY human nature to be able to "forgive' bad behavior in our own children MUCH easier than someone elses.......I can see that in my own situation. BOTH Of us will cognitively agree that our children have done some things that we are NOT happy about.....but the BIO parent of whichever child will be more forgiving/forgetting after the fact...and this is for both of us (e.g. I can accept MY kids negative personality traits easier than my SO can, and he can accept HIS kids negative personality traits easier than I can). I think that's just human nature/reality....and for your DH to think he's *different* in this respect is sort of deluding himself....but not worth an argument over for sure!
It sounds like you and he have gone around a few times on these discussions between yourselves without alot of good resolutions from your perspective....have you considered seeking some third person perspectives for suggestions on handling things? He might "hear" things better if they come from another source....
....I went to a couple of "parenting workshops" when my kids were younger, and they were GREAT at having a supportive environment to discuss situations ....both of you go, and there are other couples there as well....especially if you can find one on "step parenting" you will get LOTS of ideas....and, believe me, ...whoever is the faciliator is NOT going to be encouraging you to "compare" one child against the other! This is something common for "intact" families as well, and parents of twins would have to deal with alot also........so it's a common issue that I think you both would get support and positive ideas from.
You could also get some books on step parenting....I'm sure they will give suggestions that you feel good about, and share this with him.....but I'm thinking you'd have alot more "buy in " from him if he's hearing this stuff from other "real" folks at a parenting workshop. (call your son's school and ask...they'll be able to give you leads on where to find some parenting workshops that would be good)
HAH...(idea!).....if you dont think you could easily get him to agree to go .. ...tell him you're going to learn how to deal with YOUR SON .....and you want him to go with you because you dont want to go alone.......(LOL...he'll probably agree to go because --in his opinion, hah!-- your son needs so much help!)....
And, if he wont go with you when you're trying to do something positive like this re: parenting you son....well, then, IMO anyhow,.... he really doesnt have any business complaining about the situation to you!....
I am curious how old these boys are. Not that parenting stops at 18, but if one or both of them will be leaving for school soon, it can relieve alot of tention when they are not both living there. Assuming they are both at your home a substantial amount of time. Or maybe even if they aren't, it must still be a heated topic regardless of how much time they are at your home.
Aside from 'house rules', the step-parent really needs to the let the BM/BD do the parenting AND although I feel it is OK to share valid concerns about the SK, once the concern has been shared the SM/SD then needs to zip there lip and the let parent do, or not do, what the feel is best for their child.
My kids are 9, 20 and 23. My SO's kids are 21, 18 and 15. So, it is very easy for me to fall into "this is what I did when my kid was your kids age". My SO does ask if my kids did these things, and if so what I did about it. When asked I will answer. It is hard to stay out of sometimes, but I have to.
I know I am really preaching to choir here, as you are probably already doing all of the above and it is your DH who needs to hear it.
Is this all between the two of you or does your DH vocalize his disappointments (even if he means well) to your DS? I ask because we are working my DD9 to be able to talk to my SO directly when she is disturbed about something he is saying or doing. Being in the middle gets old. We want her to have a decent R with my SO as she approaches her teens.
If you are a reader then I would suggest like Laurena said to find some books, or even better a class. I agree also that your DH may attend thinking that your son is the one messed up and think this class will fix YOU and or your son.
Do keep in mind we all have a part in this and there are probably somethings you could be doing differently, also. If your DH feels ganged up on, that won't go over well either.
I can for you. My DH would compare his 'perfect' DD to my kids all the time. She ate all kinds of food, where my boys can be picky (but not too, really), she got a scholarship to college, has supported herself and her husband for the most part. She is such a good, hard worker.
My boys in the day to day scheme of things, just aren't perfect. I am telling you, it has taken years of him biting his tongue (at the therapist's suggestion) and reinforcing the good things about them. My oldes is suffering from severe anxiety, is on medication and taking college course via the internet and is still living with us. His DD moved out when she went college and never returned. He calls her 'responsible', and my son is not. There were times when I though it would break us up as well. Then his therapist said to just keep his opinions to himself, unless I asked for them directly. It's getting easier for him to do, but it's been a long hard road. My sons actually adore him. They do not know how critical he use to be of them (this from a man who couldn't stand criticism himself). I think in my case there was a combination of things that worked. First thing to go was this idea of perfection, bleah...he's not, I'm not, his DD isn't and neither are my boys...no one is. Second, no one likes criticism. If he doesn't want to be criticised then he can not afford to criticise me or my parenting style. Period. Lastly, he needed to refocus on the good things about my kids (like you said). He get annoyed still as anyone does living in a house together, but those things are handled directly between him and the boys.
I guess I just don't know how it would have gone, if I hadn't had the support of his therapist.
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
I think the other posters had some really good ideas. I really think that if you are still having the same argument after 3 yrs, then professional help might be needed, otherwise, you'll continue to have the same argument for the rest of your lives. Maybe a neutral 3rd party could help both of you. For ex, you say that he should accept your son for who he is, faults & all, which is true up to a certain extent. For ex, if he is trying his best in school but will never be an A student, that is one area where I would say you have to recognize the effort he is putting into his work instead of the grades. But say that you told your DS that he should not use the phone after 11:00 p.m. (I am thinking of my own DSD here) yet he consistently breaks that rule and continues to use that phone late at night. Would you on your own decide to take the phone away or have some other kind of punishment, or would you do nothing & say "well, that's just the way he is." If you see that your DS has faults, which everyone does, but you did nothing to help him become better, then I could see why your DH could get frustrated.
I was in your situation also where my DD is one year older than my DSD (I'm now divorced, so I guess technically she's not my DSD any more). My DD actually couldn't stand DSD but they were civil to each other, but they definitely weren't friends. Now my DD was the one who was getting A's in school, working part time, generally I didn't have problems w/ her. DSD failed some classes because she just decided not to go to the exams, she skipped school, ran away a couple of times, charged up our cell phone bill for a couple of thousand $$, cracked up the car and said she didn't know how it happened, etc. etc. Now I'm not saying that DD is "perfect," she is messy and she can be moody, and if her curfew was midnight, she would never be home early, it would either be midnight on the dot or 12:05. What I think happened is that my ex was kind of embarrassed that his DD was actually doing things that were a lot worse, and even though I never said a word about anything unless he asked, I think he subconsciously felt that somehow he had to bring my DD down by criticizing every possible thing she did wrong. If she left her shoes on the living room, he would never fail to mention it, like that was some major disaster, while I kept my mouth shut when his DD was on the phone in the middle of the night talking to some stranger she found on the internet. It was to the point of being ridiculous. Where someone said that it's true when they go to college, things calm down, that's when i really noticed things a lot more. Because when you're the mother, of course, you miss your kids when they are gone. So I would be excited when my DD would come home for a weekend or on vacation, but then his criticism would start and he would always be bringing up things like I hope the kids don't live at home after college (he felt that way about his own DD too). Well, I really don't mind if my kids live at home after college if they are working because I actually like my kids.
So this long story is to say that your DH should get the point that parents really don't take too kindly to other people criticizing their kids. And unless you are totally blind to your DS' problems, you are doing what you think is best to fix them. If you can't come to some kind of solution, it probably is going to ruin your marriage, so I really wish you good luck to work on this situation.
Love 
