Making a Second Marriage Work

BF told me about 5 months ago that his mother wanted to meet me.  I didn't' really get the feeling I was being asked to meet her, rather that she "knew" I existed (that was ok because the idea of meeting her made me nervous).  He has mentioned a time or two since then that she wants to meet me but, has made no move to arrange anything or ask me if I will meet her.  A couple of weeks ago, we pulled into a store parking lot and he asked me how bad I needed to go there.  I instantly knew he was referring to the fact that his mother was there.  I was very nervous and said "not bad enough to meet your mother".  I quickly said it was ok, that it does make me nervous but that it was up to him.  I could tell he was kind of struggling about what to do.   He decided to drive across town to another store.  Now I am not sure if I blew it or if he really isn't ready for that.  We did talk about it later and I explained that meeting her to me was like when I met his kids. I want her (like I did his kids) to like me and so of course I am nervous.  He said he was nervous when I met his kids too but that his mom isn't' part of his everyday life like his kids are so it is not such a big deal (he said he had felt it likely that we'd do things with our kids at some point so meeting was "logical" therefor important).  After thinking about that a bit, I'm not sure if he meant he sees no need for me to meet his mom since I will likely not be involved in any extended family activities or if he was saying he was less nervous because even if she doesn't "like" me, he and I will still be together.  Good lord...things were so much easier when I was young and clueless!

...and I have the same anxiety over meeting his ex and him meeting mine...although, for different reasons!

IMHO, only he could really have the true answer for you, however, I think he meant it as in the long run, his Mom's opinion of you doesn't matter.

Just ask him what he meant. If you two are getting serious, you need to learn to just ask him. ;)

 

 
 

Ditto on Cheryl's answer.  Only he can answer your questions, and you should be comfortable asking them.  As far as being nervous, I guess it's understandable.  By the time I was able to meet DH's family, I was pretty comfortable with the fact that I am who I am, people mostly like me and so, I was just going to be me and if they did or didn't wasn't going to affect me.   Now, DH thought it would affect him, but that's his issue and his relationship with them, not mine.   As it turned out, they all pretty much like me as well as they like any other in-law in that family, but that's a whole different story. 

He, on the other hand, has stood by me pretty much the whole way.  Part of growing up is to grow up and create your own family.  Your own center.  He realized that his relationship with his family was still stunted and he had to grow up into an adult and untie some of those ties, which he has done.  Our world and our family centers around our home and out our children.  His sisers and brothers are really on the outside of that, and they actually should have their own centers.   Since I approached his mother on my own, she and I have a good relationship, but it's not going to make or break our marriage.   I am hoping that my boys have the same respect for their own relationships as they grow up.

Just some things to think about.

Pam

BF told me about 5 months ago that his mother wanted to meet me.

What else does he tell you about his mother? 

As a mother...I find this kind of strange...unless you've really expressed some over the top anxiety re: meeting her .....why would he drive to another part of town to avoid an introduction at the store?.....esp if he's serious enough to be dating you for over 5 months, and his mom has expressed an interest in meeting you? "meeting" at the store would be short/sweet....no long "over dinner' interrogations, etc........?

I would have a small "red flag" going off in my head about this...

I think I completely skipped over the part about the grocery store or it just didn't register with me.

Since he left and drove to another store across town, he's obviously not ready to introduce you to his mother and maybe he also took your feelings into consideration.

Honestly, at 5 months, since you already met the kids, big deal about his mom. But I'd say do it when you both feel comfortable with it and the r'ship. You'll always be nervous, I'm sure most of us are/were. You have to decide if you're ready to meet her because you want to meet his family.

Something else I thought of....what does the introduction of parents mean to the both of you? i.e. for myself, I used to introduce any guy to my folks, so even if it was date 3, big deal. It wasn't a big deal for me. Whereas other people, may not introduce someone until they know they want to marry that person (I've dated a few men like that). Right now, I think I'd talk to your DBF and ask him what "meeting the parents" means to him. Does he do it whenever? Does he only do it when two ppl are serious? Is he ready for YOU to meet them? Then talk to him what meeting the parents mean to you and all the other stuff too.

I remember this used to come up on my old board that I CL'd. It's amazing how nobody ever talks about what the importance is to them, but just assumes. lol. What caused so much stress can be figured out so easily.