Making a Second Marriage Work

Posted for another person:

I have a friend who is in her 50's and probably won't come on the message board, she likes to remain private. She is divorced, on her second marriage now. She has 3 kids that are pretty much grown up and he has 3 kids that are still in school. Every other weekend her step-kids stay at the house and the older one is 17 and autistic, is ok, the middle son 14 is the troublemaker, was in trouble for downloading porn to his ipod/phone whatever. the younger one is 12 is an okay kid. My friend always makes an excuse to leave the house when the kids might be there, doesn't care to be there or interact with the kids, but likes to complain about everything, including the fact that she feels she should leave this guy, and marry someone else who has no kids..but she won't. I try to be there for friend, give her suggestions, tell her that maybe since she's not happy to move on, but she won't tell me why she won't leave.

I guess I'm just wondering how much I can help or just stay out of everything.

You know, sometimes people b*tch just to b*tch. Which is ok sometimes. You know, a vent over a couple drinks or whatever. But when it never stops and you know they don't want anything to change, you're probably best off just to nod and smile and not waste a lot of energy in trying to help her. Maybe even tell her that you're happy to listen (if you are) but that's the extent of it.

You can only help her as much as she wants to be helped. After that, it's up to you to decide how much you can put up with. You can be friends and talk about other things, maybe just not this particular subject.

I abhor chronic complainers.  I would interrupt (they usually just go on and on and on complaining) and ask them, so what are you going to do about it?  I usually get ignored and they continue to complain without missing a beat.

This tells me that they like being in their misery and rather have an audience to rant to.

Another approach is to tell her how upsetting it is for you to listen to her problems and not be able to help her so you can request that she could not talk about it then you'll feel better.

Mark

Hi, I'm the one with the friend, lol.  Thanks for posting this. 

I like the suggestions I got,  smile and I will listen but that's all I can do and the other suggestion to say "Well what are you going to do about it?"  hopefully those should help.

It seems we will start talking about other things, and then something will remind her, and off we go back into that subject.

I will do my best!

Good luck with your friend.  The answers you got are right on target.  Some people who are chronically depressed don't even realize that there is a choice for happiness.  The complaining IS their comfort zone when it comes to relationships.  I would wonder if her parents relationship was the same, that that is what she knows, that is her picture of a marriage. 

Pam