Making a Second Marriage Work

What do you do when your DH's ex is a little too familiar and personal? Has this happened to anyone and what can you do about it? My DH tells me his exe's personal comments to him make him uncomfortable and he wished she wouldn't do that but he says he doesn't know how to tell her. He thinks she would deny that she is being too personal and he would look like a fool who thinks too much of himself. She comments constantly about his appearance...if he has a new hair cut, new clothes, has lost weight or is sporting a tan and asks about his personal life. He says it is too personal and feels, as I do that she needs to be less personal, yet he won't do anything about it. He just ignores her or changes the subject or gives very brief answers but this doesn't seem to stop it. Maybe she has just always done it and he has allowed it so she continues. It is as though she still feels it is her place to be personal with him just because they were once married rather than more of an informal, civil co-parenting relationship. After a marriage the relationship should change. Especially if both have remarried. They have been divorced now for 10 years which was longer than they were married. She very often sticks her nose in our business and from my perspective the only topic that should be of interest to her is the care of their children and not his or our personal life. She's been remarried for 5 years! I find that very odd that she is still so concerned about what my husband does. She called me up one time demanding to know what he was doing and why he wasn't answering her calls. As if he was at her beck and call. He was actually taking night classes. I told her to leave him a message. I don't get it. Why the sense of entitlement? Shouldn't she have moved on by now?

Great idea about the response sayings that's personal. Why he feels like he has to comment at all is beyond me since it just reinforces her. I feel the same way about my ex as you do. I would never, ever comment about his hair, his looks or anything he does in his personal life, especially not in front of his new wife. I just wouldn't do it period since it is no longer my place. I am so past that. As long as it doesn't affect our kids, I could give a rip what he does since it is just not my business. Just makes me wonder why she cares so much being remarried and all. Sour grapes maybe? Maybe it's the I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him syndrome? Or some women feel that what their ex does will always be their business because they were once married to them. Wishing someone well is one thing, putting your nose in their busines is another. Weird.  My opinion towards my ex is he's an ex for a reason- it didn't work out so wish them well and move on but don't feel entitled to know everything about his personal life.

Another way to look at it is that there lies one of the reasons your husband and his ex are no longer married.  If you want it to stop, you and your husband have to set clear boundaries.  However, you only have control of your own behavior.  Your husband chooses not to set that boundary with his ex...for whatever reason it is that he chooses not to. 

If it bothers you, don't answer the phone when you see that she is calling.  Let her leave a message.  If she calls repeatedly, tell her not to do that anymore, and that once she leaves a message, you or your husband will get back to her when you are able.

Boundaries.  It is very hard for some people to respect, and it is very hard for some people to enforce.