Making a Second Marriage Work

Ugh!  I hate this kind of stuff. 

It is a gray area not having control over what your xH does when he has your children, yet wanting to know they are safe.  Are they old enough to share with you with at least a little bit accuracy what goes on when they are at dads?  Keep in mind we also have to take 'while at dads' stories with a grain of salt at times.

My DD9 one time made it sound like her dad left her in the car for an hour by herself.  Come to find out that they were at a friends house and she was eating her milkshake in the car in the driveway and he was standing on the porch the entire time. 

And it may be that he can't give you a schedule right now.  Or at least not one for overnight visits if he is staying a friends. 

IMO, I think it is OK to at least ask who else is living there.  But others that are coming or going you can't really do much about.  Unless you are talking illegal activity.  I would hope if that were the case your xH would have the sense to keep the kids away from that. 

So, I guess unless there is more to your story, I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he wants to protect the kids just as much as you would.  I would not want to be interrogated by my xH about who comes and goes from my house.  I did not ask his permission before my SO moved in, and don't expect it from him

I hope something in there was helpful.  :)  I know it is uncomfortable and it can be hard to let go of control. 

A long time ago, my therapist told me to communicate via email with my ex about things like this, because it take the 'emotion' out of the conversation.  I rarely actually speak to my ex.  Early on when he did things that I felt were damaging to the children, I would email him and ask for an explanation saying that I needed to know in the best interests of the kids. 

Pam

Hi MM,

It DOES sound as though he's concerned re: kids welfare re; not being around his w's raging, etc, ....so that's good.

Do you live in same town? Can you offer him to take the kids just during daytime until he gets his own place? 

Another idea:

I'm not sure your state, how specific your visitation order is, etc,....but you could posslbily talk with someone at FOC re: your concerns and how to handle this?  After all, his living situation is NOT what it was when order was made....

BEST WISHES

I would definitely go with email if you can.

I'd also tell XH that you know his marriage isn't your business, but his living situation is. I'd ask him if this friend is male or female (but don't go beyond that) and that you'd like to work out visitations so the kids don't wonder what is going on.

Someone suggested day visits. That's a thought. Or even visits at your own home. Or in a non-threatening place (mall, park, zoo, etc).

I wouldn't ask him things like, "what are you going to do?, where are the kids going to stay? who'll be there? what's going on? etc". cuz as long as the kids are happy and safe, it doesn't matter.

I recall when my cousin was upset that her son's father was living with a cousin, she KNEW did drugs and partied. To a point though, she had to trust that the dad wouldn't put the son in those situations, or keep him away from it. And dad did. When his cousin was doing drugs, he took his son out. park, beach, movies, etc. or took him into another room and entertained in there. It wasn't a perfect situation, but at least the dad took the kid out of the room where drugs were being used. And although my cousin was really upset, the judge told her that the dad was handling it well, with what he has (living in that situation), so basically she needs to back off.

so, with that, tread lightly. discuss only what is pertinent to the children NOW (not later on).