Making a Second Marriage Work

Hello everyone,

I am presently very serious with a man who has been a widower for 4.5 years now.  I never was able to meet his wife but know that she was a wonderful person, was well loved by all.  She died from breast cancer and was sick for quite some time.  He has two children, 17 and 14 who I adore and the feelings are mutual.

My needing support is from the fact that I feel like I am chasing a ghost and will never measure up to her.  Her pictures are still everywhere including his bedroom.  He has told me that he is ready to move on, he thinks of her as his childrens mother but not in any other way.  The problem is also that they have memorial events for her OFTEN.  Her birthday, anniversary of her death, a memorial golf outing, a 5k walk in her name etc.  I am excluded from all of these events.  I have met all of her best friends, I have been at all of the kids parties, recitals etc so I am very much a part of life.  I understand not being included but he shuts me out during these times and it seems as if they happen all the time he says that i dont need to be there.  It almost feels like he leaves me for another woman! Their anniversary is now coming up and I know the phone calls will start from friends.  When does it stop so that you can move on?  I know just because someone is gone does not mean they are forgotten or they never existed and should be acknowledged but this often is really tough.  He has told me he doesn't want all of these things but the friends do and he doesn't want to say anything.

I feel like I am being very selfish and the kids need their mother to be remembered, they were and are young to be without.  My own mother passed away when I was 21 so I get it but the wife stuff is really getting to me.  I know this is my own stuff to get through and I am having a very hard time.  If anyone has experience with this I would appreciate the advice.  This is going to continue and I need to not let it get to me so much.

Thanks in advance,

Lori

I think the facts speak for themselves.  If you are not invited to these memorial events, then he has not moved on.  I can't, for any reason, think of why you couldn't or shouldn't participate in these things, unless he feels you are an intrusion on that relationship. 

Pam

Hi Lori,

Welcome!

Most of us here arent dealing with widowers....but there have been some in that situation posting on here...hopefully they are lurking and will speak up with advice as well... (One whose name I can remember was "sandy beaches" or something similar....you could scroll back for posts with that name on them for starters).

ANYHOW...

Short answer: I agree with Pam....I see no reason for you not to be at these events.

Longer ramblings:

Not sure how long you've been together, ...but you state "very serious". 

IMO, this would translate into "future wife".....and, IMO, a wife would be at his side supporting him in supporting his children in their memorial to their mother.

Hence....(the agreement with Pam)....there is no reason for you not to be with him at these events.

One thought.....does he think it would be awkward for YOU to be at an event that is , basically, focused on his previous wife?  So, he's trying to be "respectful" to you by not asking/expecting you to attend? (men often dont like to "talk" about this stuff...easier to just make decisons--(e.g, dont invite)--and actions--(go to it without you)--then "talk" about it all...

AS for his remark re:

He has told me he doesn't want all of these things but the friends do and he doesn't want to say anything.

The golf and 5K event ....I"m assuming these are "fundraisers" (e.g. for breast cancer research or something?) that are done in her name/memory.

The other birthday/anniversary I'm assuming are a more personal thing with his kids?

I guess if he wants to do some small personal thing with just his kids on their moms birthday/anniversary of death...I'd let it be and stay out of it unless invited....because, yes, you didnt even know her, etc. ANd I'm considering this event to be (at MOST) a quiet lunch together with his kids and sharing some rememberances of mom, perhaps a walk to the cemetary. done.

Re: the fundraising events...IMO, if he is thinking of /planning on /marrying you.....you need to be with him at these events......I mean....no one (and I would include his former wife here) *expects* him to remain a widower for the rest of his life on earth....and, hence, ...they would CELEBRATE him finding a new supportive partner......and, yes,....you would be his support person at his side at such an event.........and , honestly, it's doing YOU a disservice to NOT invite you.....causing you to *appear* not wanting to be there/supportive!

Also....not sure how much volunteer work you have time for/are interested in.....but , if you are at all inclined...I think it would be awesome if you were (somewhat...as your time/interests allow) active in fundraising for these very same events.....how much more can you show support of his kids than to actively promote the "causes" that are honoring their deceased mother.

PS:

 Their anniversary is now coming up and I know the phone calls will start from friends.  When does it stop so that you can move on? '

are these "friends" even aware he has a "serious" partner these days?  ARe they aware he's not sitting around 24/7 pining for his loss of 4 years ago?  PErhaps some sort of public "engagement" announcement is in order here!.....?

I mean...this sounds like friends calling to console a poor , lonesome, grieving, unhappy old man......when , in fact, he has a LIFE to live and celebrate......and they should (if such supportive friends of his)......be wanting to celebrate his life with you.....!

AGain....best wishes!  Hope some others with widow/widower situations join in!

(PS: my mom died when I was young....there was NEVER any acknowledgement of her birthday/death/etc after the funeral.  I can see since the kids were older how this might be more relevent.....but,...it's certainly not a "required" practice....)

I have been in this situation, and I'm not as giving as you are. I can't see being "serious" with someone who has a whole group of friendships centered around his relationship with another woman. I could see it if he wanted to have a luncheon once per year with his wife's friends, and short phone calls don't sound out of line. But it sounds like there's too much emotion and time caught up in these private events.

I'm wondering: are these friends also your friends or just people you have met? It does not sound like they want him to move past this and while they may be still grieving, it isn't his place to help them along. If they are not also your friends, I would be very uneasy about this.

We have shared a couple of events with the best friend of my husband's late wife and her husband, but the best friend always gets very sentimental and talks about having parties for her and how her birthday hurts so much. My husband has been great about this, saying to her that I'm his focus now, etc. I'd love to be friends with this couple, but it won't happen because she can't move forward and be really present. I'm thankful that he understands and doesn't let her drag him back.

His children and grief about their mother are a different story, as you point out. They will have to have some time to talk about her with him, for years to come. However, he should be able to spend shorter periods as time goes on and after 4 years, this shouldn't be intrusive (into your time with him), and especially not emotionally for him for any length of time.

I may not be coming across as compassionate; I understand that grief does come and go. I even occasionally feel grief for my divorce--it is shortlived and I don't share it. However, when you are in a relationship moving toward permanence, you shouldn't feel like you are not in control.

I hope you guys can work it out. It may take awhile.