Making a Second Marriage Work

There are a lot of newbies here, so I thought it was a perfect time to bring out what's going on with me.   DH and I have been married 4.5 years after meeting in 1996.  We started out with both of us married and working in community theatre together.   We have both been through years of individual therapy, and some pre- martiial counseling as well.    We live in my house with my two boys 21 and 17.  The 21yo is going to college on line, suffers from sever anxiety disorder and is in therapy and on medication.  The 17yo is in his senior year, with the possibility of going to a Music Conservatory for college next year (read that as $$$$$). 

DH and I have both worked for 30 years in the same jobs and are 'ready' to retire, except for a couple of lthings.  He is being laid off next month.  I have the college money to work out.  Plus, I still have a mortgage on my home.  We live in a fairly costly area. 

My DH suffers from an acute addictive personality.  In all the years I have known him, he has been addicted to porn, to on-line gaming, to alcohol, cigarettes and was a 'serial' cheater in his first marriage.  I am now freaking out because our relationship has gotten to that 'mature' stage as he puts it.  He loves making love with me, but it's not the explosive kind.  He finds me attractive, I guess, but not 'exciting'.  He seems content and happy in the relationship, but I don't 'turn his head'. 

So the problem as I see it, is I am 54, post menopausal.  My hair is grey, I don't wear make up, my hair is very short, I probably am carrying about 10 lbs too much (for my tastes).  I have three very close friends that have been diagnosed with very serious illnesses (life threatening) within the last two weeks.  I am suffering from very bad knees and a wrenched back right now.  The final straw is I HATE THE WINTER!!! 

So, I told DH I felt like a comfortable slipper and not an exciting sexual partner.   He comes back at me with his 'logic' and rationality, and I got uppity and informed him that intellectually I was his match or better, and that I surpassed him in emotional intelligence, and whenever he tried that "here, fix it with logic", it feels like he is saying I am too stupid to look at my own situaiton logically.  LOL!  Now he is upset because HE invalidated my feelings, and reacted in a way that assumes I can not think logically.

Sigh

p

Hmmm, I suppose the better response from your DH would have been "To me you are still a hot babe" or something like that, instead of logic?

I don't really have any advice, but I can sympathize w/ being middle aged. I'm 52, but haven't even started any perimenopause yet. My DS (14) w/ his vast knowledge of women picked up in health class, says to me "are you still having it at your age?" whenever he sees that I have bought more "supplies." lol I also hate the winter. I wish I could winter in Fla, but in reality due to the 2 divorces I will be working at least until I'm 66 1/2 to collect the maximum Social Security. Not to mention that DS is only in 8th grade, so it will be 9 yrs anyway til he graduates from college. I can't even think about retirement, only as a far off dream, and hope I'm healthy enough to enjoy it when it finally happens.

Do you exercise? I recently joined a gym and find that my arthritic knees don't hurt as much when I get exercise, plus it improves my mood, not to mention the weight loss benefits, although for some reason, even though I feel a little thinner by the way my pants fit, I haven't seemed to lose any weight--maybe it just re-distributes itself?

Hey, it could be worse--imagine being 52, w/ some extra weight, gray hair (if it wasn't dyed) and have to start dating again. And when you look on the on line dating websites, everyone my age wants a younger woman (of course, which I don't understand why guys wouldn't want to date a woman who is even the same age) and of course they have to be thin (or in code "fit). And these are probably guys who have a beer belly & are bald too. lol So hang in there Pam, You know your DH loves you.

Hey musiclover - I can tell you why you're not losing weight.  It's because you're gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat.  (i had way too many kinesiology and exercise physiology classes in college).  Now that you're exercising, you are losing weight, but gaining muscle back slowly.  So the fact that you're clothes are fitting better is the sign you need that what you're doing is working.

Funny thing though, I weigh less than I did in high school but only because I was pretty well muscled then. I ran year round and did cross country, indoor and outdoor track.  But my clothes don't fit the same way that they did then because I don't have as much muscle anymore and a little pouch belly to boot!  I had been going to the gym religiously before getting married but now that we're married and have a gym in the house, I only work out once or twice a week.  I have been trying to ride bikes with the kids and swim more.

Sorry Pam.  Hijacked the thread.

aprilmagic~

I know that "comfortable slipper" phase all too well.  I suddenly noticed this past summer or so that I just didn't care to keep up with the wars we had been waging over things like sex or helping out around the house or . . . all that stuff.  We're getting along really well, but it feels like it's 'cause I just don't care as much anymore.

I want to be desired - who doesn't?  But I want to be married more, and I genuinely love my husband and have a great time with him.  When we get around to the bedroom, it's almost always fabulous - it's just that I've had to trade in most of my sex life for being comfortable.  It's hardly a fair trade-off in my opinion, especially because we both know the reason for the lack of action is his sheer laziness.  Ugh.

So, during all that time when nothing's happening I'm wondering if it's because I look like a comfortable slipper.  In reality, DH is aging too, and a little faster than me (probably all that hard living ;).

Question:  with all his history, do you worry that if you become comfortable, he might revert to some of his addictive behaviors?  It would keep me up at night, that's for sure.  But a lot of what you're going through is temporary, but if you want to feel better about yourself, at least you can do something.

I recommend yoga.  I started doing P90X, which I actually love, even though it's hard, but it's the yoga that's both the hardest and yet the most beneficial to me.  I can't believe how much more flexible I am now, and it really has relieved a lot of joint pains. 

Good luck - it's sad that winter's coming, but at least today's beautiful, and the Phillies are doing well (oh, that's right, you're probably in Nats or Orioles country ;). 

The other upside is that both of your boys sound like they're doing well.  Music is awesome - my DD is a music/performance major, now a teacher, and starting to explore master's programs in music.  She was fortunate to be able to go to undergrad at a great school that didn't cost a lot, so she has no debt.  We figured we would splurge on the MA, where it seems to matter more (for her).

Thanks STA and Liz.  I do go to the University Gym every day at lunchtime, 28 mintues aerobic and 20 minutes weights.  My doctor said I do everything I should be doing, and then a month ago, the knee started getting bad, even with the medication and the cortisone only lasted two days.  I go back this Friday, and I know from my situation the solution is a replacement.

Yes, STA, that is exactly what I am afraid of.  When he is bored and idle, he will slip back into his old behaviors.  I know I will walk if he does, and he knows that as well. 

I am just feeling ugly, and I haven't been able to do the gym thing for two weeks, so I am starting to feel fat.  The reason we can't lose the weight Liz, is because our metabolism slows way, way down the older we get.  My DH can walk a mile at lunchtime, and lose ten pounds in a week.  I do my routine, and I am lucky to just maintain.  It is extremely unfair but we were made to store fat.

Pam