Making a Second Marriage Work

Can we call it something else?  I'm not married AGAIN yet...but I would like to be and the title of this room just sounds so "used" and "less" than an "first" marriage.  How about something like...."The Marriage that works" or "Falling in love after a Broken marriage" or SOMETHING else.

It is true...it would be a second marriage...but for some people it is a "first" good or "first" real marriage....my first one shouldn't have even been considered a marriage...domestic abuse, violence, kids torn apart....and I have resentment against the name of this room. 

Its silly that I have the resentment, I've only been lurking for a day....and I'm trying to figure out why I resent it so much (the title).....can't put my finger on it specifically. 

Just thought I would share my thoughts because I am never alone when I put something on these pages.

I think you're overthinking.  For one thing, having this page titled the way it is allows people looking for help and support to find it.  They're not going to be doing a search for "Falling in love after a Broken marriage".  Well, maybe they are, but this page isn't what they would be looking for.  This title spells out what you can expect to find at this site. 

You sound like the resentment is over not being first or trying to erase memories of an invalid (in your mind) marriage.  That calls for more therapy, not a new name.

"Second Marriage" is just a factual term--there is no judgment there about whether the first marriage was good or bad. You are the one putting the judgment in there that being in a 2nd marriage is somehow less than the 1st one. And it also could be that not everyone's first marriage was bad--there are people on this board who are widowed, so their first marriage could have been very happy, but even so, if they are married for the 2nd time and esp. if they & their spouses have kids from the 1st marriage, that does cause a whole lot of issues.

I think you should look into why you feel badly about being married for the 2nd time yourself, when your current relationship is so much better than your 1st one. Maybe you never got rid of the anger you have toward your 1st DH or something like that? Or do you feel that people are judging you because you are divorced, even though your marriage was abusive?

I do understand what you are trying to say.  In hindsight I don't really feel like my first M was a M either.  I was 18 with a one year old and he was also physically abusive and openly cheated on me.  We had another child and I left when he was 1.  I was D by the age of 22 with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. 

I have since been M, a third child, and D again by age 36. 

So, at 41 in hindsight I have a different perspective on what each M was and was not. 

So to specifically address your resentment, when ever I am disturbed I have to look at what is going on within myself.  The title of this board is just a detail.  You admit you are not sure why it bothers you so much, and that is what needs to be looked at.  I have things still today that hit a nerve with me at times, and I still have to look at why that is. 

Like was already said, it just a factual title that makes it easier for new lurkers and posters to find.  That is all.  And keep in mind, it does say Making a Second Marriage Work. 

If me and SO do get M, it would actually be my third M.  So the title doesn't really matter.  Lots of great gals on this board with much wisdom (and opinions) and experience.  Not everyone on here is M.  Many are like me in a long-term R and not sure we want to take the plunge again.  Hope you can put aside the title and gleen something helpful from all who post here.

Hi and welcome to the board.

I think what everyone said here is right. The title is just a title to help people find the right group. There are people here who are beyond a second marriage (third, fourth, whatevers).

I also think everyone has a valid thought that maybe you should dig a little deeper to understand why you resent the title so much. Remember, just because it's a "second" marriage, doesn't mean its "second" class. To me, that's almost like saying a child born second (or more) is something less. They're not, and a second marriage isn't a bad thing.

You need to accept the fact that you made a mistake. You married someone who was or became abusive. There are no redo's for a "first" anything. Accept it and move on. You know that nowdays, they call those types of marriage "Starter Marriages". Because they're typically short lived. I'm wondering, do you find that offensive?

Anyhow, look at yourself and why you resent the term second marriage. Why do you have issues with the term? Is it because you see yourself as a failure and second isn't good enough? Or maybe because other people tell you to have a second marriage is a failure in itself? I've heard it all and I'm on my third marriage. I've had to come some massive "culture" hurdles to accept that i'm not some loser, even though many may see me as one.