Hello everyone. I know this is not a new topic on here but I wanted some input from you ladies on what you thought of this situation. I am well aware that there are events that come up in children's lives where biological parents should share the expenses outside of the normal child support. Having said that I wonder what you all think about an EXW who constantly plays the I'm poor and can't afford anything card and then brags about all the exotic vacations her and DH go to. I know she does the bragging to make DH jealous, which he could really care less where they go but it's stupid of her to mention expensive vacations then play the I'm poor card.
From the time DH and I started dating she has used the guilt card and the I can't afford it card to get DH to give her extra money for things. Some things have been reasonable but a lot have not. Now she is remarried and with the child support she gets on time plus her income from a decent job and obviously the income of her DH (I know that doesn't count) their kids enjoy a very high standard of living. The kids each have expensive cell phones, ipods, video gaming systems- the latest and the greatest, nice clothes, they all go on long family vacations all over yet she will call and whine to my DH that she just doesn't have enough and will he give extra for x, y, and z. Not to mention if my DH says I can't afford that then she will have the kids badger him and try and guilt him into it. He recently told her to not put the kids in the middle like that. I just don't get it.
My DH pitches in when he can but she will complain that she can't even afford to give their daughter a pair of shoes and when said daughter comes to visit us she's got 5 pair in her bag!!!! No kidding. 5 pair of different kinds of nice shoes. The kid has more shoes than I do in my whole closet. I am very glad the kids are well taken care of and have nice things but it is ridiculous of EXW to complain that she doesn't have enough. She gets plenty of child support and DH will pay for extras when they are necessary. A side note- she took a lesser paying job than she is capable of getting. Due to the economy my DH has taken a pay cut (i.e. has to work fewer days) and his benefits have been slashed yet being a good guy he has not asked for child support to be lowered. It just steams me that she can afford to make less money because her DH makes up for it, yet we are struggling to try and make ends meet in this economy. All in all, it's the quality of life the kids have and the standard of living they have and they are doing just fine.
She does it, because he allows it, but that wasn't your question, right?
Clothes, extra school costs, medical costs everything is written into our agreement. All extranious costs are split on a 1/3 to 2/3 split, because that is our salary descrepency. He make two thirds more than I do. DH's income has nothing to do with it. Does your DH have it in writing? What kind of child support guidelines does he have? We stick to ours and that's the end of it. No fighting, not public moaning, no nothing. I hand him reciepts and he gives me two thirds of the cost. OR, I just email him and tell him "I just charged $300 of college books for Ian" and he takes me at my word and adds it to the monthly support.
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
My SO's exW is very very similar (except she cant find a man fool enough to stay with her long enough to marry...but I digress....)....
But somehow I think "why" she still does this (when she doesnt need the money at all) is because it's not even about the money.....it's about still having "control" over him....she can say, "you need to do X, Y, Z"...and then she knows how to push his buttons to get him to do it.....
and the times it doesnt work like that for her......wow....fireworks......!
And, IMO, (based on my experiences, anyhow) *why* it bothers you is precisely because it' ISNT about money, etc....it's about how your DH is still ALLOWING his ex to still have that control over him......
(clue: Using the kids is their final "ace in the hole" re: pushing the GUILT buttons....)
Pointing out the obvious to him in a non judgemental candid manner helps validate his own hunches.
They do have it all spelled out in the decree re child support. I'm talking about extras which isn't spelled out and everyone I've ever talked to have a different way of going about paying for extras. Many dads just give their ex whatever they want, reasonable or not. DH always pays for stuff like his half of braces, dental work, any medical expense they split. She wanted my DH to take their kids out and pay for Christmas presents for her. He said no way. Their stepdad I suppose took them out. She asked DH to split a Playstation 3. He said no way because his DS had a relatively new PS2 plus they were going to get a Wii also. She wanted him to pay for new shoes which IMHO should come out of the monthly child support.
By the way, the only reason I mentioned her DHs income is because she was making good money and got good bonuses but got laid off. Instead of sticking in the same field and getting a qualified job with a good earning potential which she was totally qualified to do she purposely chose a job making a lot less because she COULD due to her DH picking up the slack and thus my DHs support went up because her portion went down. That is unfair. In our state if a parent's reduced earnings are by choice the court may attribute her portion to her earning potential. But DH will just keep on shelling it out, even though his earning potential was lowered due to his company having to severely cut back and fire almost everyone.
Yes, my concern isn't really the money thing...although it is unfair that my DH makes less but pays the same and she purposely makes less and her portion is less, but it's the she continues to do it and at times gets away with it. DH is starting to put his foot down. He would love to be able to give the kids any and everything but we just can't afford to. Oftentimes when he is on the phone with his daughter EXW in the background will yell "car insurance is x a month". Well take it out of child support- you get plenty!!!
The only way this is going to stop is for your DH to stop playing the game and he's going to have to be willing to put up w/ some whining & guilt trips from the kids to do it. He now has the perfect excuse since he pay has been cut, to say that he has the right to go back to court to get his c.s. reduced, but he's willing to keep the amt. the same, but that from now on he will no longer pay for extras (except maybe medical--most divorced parents do split medical because that's a necessary expense). It's going to take a lot for him to completely change the way he's been doing things. If he had never started it this way it would have been better.
Basically I never ask my ex for additional money--he pays his support and I buy the kids clothes, or whatever. If it's his idea to enroll a child in some activity, then he should come up w/ the money, so he did pay for DS' karate, but I had paid for DD's gymnastics. Maybe once or twice in the past 13 yrs I have asked for extra, when it was a real bind--like once I was paying for summer camp for DS and at the same time, DD had to take driving lessons, which were pretty expensive, but it wasn't demanding--it was like "I really have all these extra expenses right now, this is what it is, could you spare any extra money." Things like PSII or Wii certainly aren't necessities--if she wants to buy the kids these kind of expensive toys, she is free to buy them or not.
Love 
