Making a Second Marriage Work

Hey everyone,

Love this board...lot's of great advice.  I'm in a relationship which is like a "second marriage" (without the marriage part). We've been together 2 years lived together for one.  His 2 teenagers visit us every other weekend.  My 2 kids are with us 60% of the time.  All is great with the kids, eveyone gets along.  My issue is that my SO is such a push over.

Here is my advice for all of the men out there who are trying to make a new relationship work (after a first marriage divorce for example):

1.  Communicate clearly, all of the details about everything to your new love, as much as possible.  If you hide things, keep phone calls a secret, keep money details a secret.... your new love will know you are keeping secrets and you are effectively breaching the trust in the relationship.  My man purposely doesn't not tell me things because he "doesn't want to upset me".  He doesn't tell me a lot of things because he hates even the idea of potential conflict.  So I mostly try to remain calm when he does tell me stuff - But occassionally, Yes, sometimes I will get upset....Oh -well - BE A MAN ABOUT IT and understand that women can be emotional!  He could start by being open and honest with me about everything and that would certainly help quell most of my fears and insecurities.

2.  (If you have children with your EX then) YOUR KIDS are your priority.  Your  Ex-Wife is no longer your responsibility and is NOT your priority.  Never, ever forget this fact.  Reassure your new love often, that you love her and show her that she IS more important to you than your ex-wife.

3.  If you pay child support, that money should be supporting your children for their needs.  When your ex-wife calls you crying because she can't make her mortage payment without your monthly cheque -  Tell her to get a F*&%$ing job and stand up on her own two feet!  This is where the courts fall short!  Child support is just that.  Is support the child(ren).  I was a single mom of 2 before this relationship.  I have always worked, paid for the roof over my head, fed my kids, paid my bills, etc...  The ex's cheques pay for extra's like clothes, sports, future education, etc...  My belief is:  WOMAN who cannot financially support themselves long-term are NOT FIT have full-time custody of their children (with the exception of job-loss, illness, within reason).  My point is, A GOOD MOTHER would ensure her kids are looked after and that she can maintain a roof over her head with or without the Ex's cheque every month.

4.  STOP BEING A PU$$Y, a whimp, a push over, a "yes" man, etc...  my man can't seem to handle any conflict whatsoever.  So he just doesn't deal with it at all.  He never stands up to his Ex.  He doesn't want to "rock the boat" and upset her.  But, it's ok if I'm upset because we have to "do without".  For example: I have not been to the dentist in almost a year, neither have my kids.  I can't afford it right now.  My SO was laid off for 5 months, I had to cover all the bills, now we're behind in several bills.  Meanwhile, HIS kids have been to the dentist twice already this year.  My SO still made full child support payments to his Ex (while he was laid off) - he put $9000 on a line of credit just to pay her!!  I guess because it was "just too much" for him to try to negotiate with is Ex - a temporary change in payment structure while he was laid off.  The last time I checked, child support is based on income....and if you make no income - you pay nothing.  He could have negotiated a temporary payment plan with her and if she didn't like that - then too bad, she'd just have to deal with it - that's just the way it is!  But NOOOOOO - instead my man won't stand up and say "NO - sorry but my mortgage payment is also behind one month, and in fact, I haven't paid my credit card company in three months"!  

My SO had a vasectomy years ago - I often think his Ex-wife must have HIS balls in a jar on her fireplace mantle!  That's how he behaves!  She still has him wrapped around her fingers, she still controls him.  Where does that leave me and my children - I take it as: it means we are last on his list of priorities.  I totally undertand if his kids come before me (As I would put my kids before any man, ever), but his ex-wife should never come before "us".  And my kids shouldn't have to go without, they should be equal to his kids. I continue to lose respect for my SO because of this.

So, to ALL OF YOU LADIES out there contemplating moving in with the
"new boyfriend", please, please, please do not rush into a new relationship, (even if it's just to live together).  I often wish I were still on my own (with my kids) in the wee little town house which I managed to afford on my own.  Boy, I had it good then.  My bills were 1/2 as much as they are now.  Now, I'm stuck here.  Can't sell this place now- we'll lose even more money!   At least back when I was on my own (with my kids) going to the dentist wasn't a luxury!  

I can't solve these problems (because I can't control other people and the way they behave).  So now, I'm stuck.  Take it from me and don't rush!!  I do love my SO, he is a kind, gentle and a very good Dad, with good morals and judgement (except when it comes to his Ex).  I just wish he'd grow some BALLS!

Hi and welcome to the board.  There is some very sage advice in there amongst the venting.   LOL!  I sort of get the sense that you have a lot of anger about his relationship with his ex.  Doing something about your own anger will go a very long way in defusing the situation.  I am not making excuses for him because he needs to take full responsibility for his actions, but if you get angry and unhappy about it, then he is stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I understand your frustration, but to me, it gives too much power to other people in robbing me of my own moments of happiness. 

Love and hate (in your signature) are too closely tied together.  Love and indifference are the opposite.  I refuse to let anyone elses actions rule my life.  If you want to be happy, then you make the choices in your life to be happy and you don't let anyone else intrude on that. 

This is not to say that we don't have moments of anger or sadness, we all do.  But they are mere moments and if you embrace them at the moment, then they will dissipate quickly.  If you love him, then you love him fully, completely with all his faults.  Not because you want him to change, but because the good things out shine the ones you don't particularly like.  You love him because he is human, he has faults, he is NOT perfect, just like everyone of us. 

His relationship with his ex was built between the two of them, both equally responsible for the good and bad of it.  You bought into that, and without doing the work to change his relational habits, it almost sounds like he has the same relationship with you.  I wrote another post about men using the 'badge' of "avoiding conflict" as martyrdom.  It is not.  It is avoidance, it is passive/aggressive, and unless he is someone who is willing to work on himself to become more assertive in order to have a healthier relationship with you, it becomes a 'what can you live with and for how long.' 

I appreciate you post, because you are absolutely right that a lot of second marriages would be a lot easier if all this stuff was worked out before hand.

I look forward to seeing you post more often.

Pam

I do have to disagree w/ something that you said, that the c.s. just goes toward covering the extras. When I got div from 1st DH, he agreed that I could stay in the house cause he didn't want the kids to have to move, but the amt. of c.s. he was paying (which was based on his income) basically covered daycare expenses w/ maybe about $25 left over a week. I always worked and earned about the same income as him, but it was pretty difficult to pay the mortgage and all household expenses (which we had just barely made ends meet on 2 incomes) w/ just one income. I seriously went into debt trying to do it all by myself. If I didn't have the kids, I could have sold the house and gone to live in a 1 BR apt. by myself instead of a big house. And I couldn't even have sold it if I wanted to since the house needed a lot of repairs.

As far as women who can't support themselves, well, maybe when the kids were born, the couple agreed that it would be better for them & their kids that the mom would not work & would stay home w/ the kids. Then maybe many years later, the husband decided that he wanted a divorce, and the mom has no job skills and can only get a minimum wage job, or the amount of pay that she will get will be eaten up by the amt. of day care that she has to pay. Really, should the mom not get custody of her kids when she has been their primary caretaker since birth & a SAHM? No court would ever agree w/ that. I think that divorcing couples have to be realistic--if the wife hasn't worked in years, even if she has a college degree, she's not suddenly going to be able to go out & get a great job. Not to mention that many people are out of work now due to the bad economy.

And you're kind of contradicting yourself by saying that it's your SO's fault that you & your kids couldn't go to the dentist--if your theory is that you should be supporting your kids, then isn't it your responsibility to buy dental insurance or take your kids to the dentist and not your SO's? Yes, I do see that if he was out of work, you couldn't afford it if you had to pay extra on the household expenses cause you don't want your house to be foreclosed. I do think that if I was living w/ someone & not married and both had kids from the 1st marriage, I wouldn't be combining my money w/ his, so that if he has to pay whatever in child support, it just wouldn't affect me. I already know that I can cover all my bills & pay for my kids, so I wouldn't get into a situation where I would have to support someone else or their kids--if I moved in w/ someone it would have to make sense economically & actually improve my situation, not make it worse.

I have to chime in and vehemently disagree with just about your ENTIRE child support paragraph.

<< If you pay child support, that money should be supporting your children for their needs.  When your ex-wife calls you crying because she can't make her mortage payment without your monthly cheque -  Tell her to get a F*&%$ing job and stand up on her own two feet!  >>

Last time I looked a LARGE part of child SUPPORT includes housing, food, clothing and childcare.  WHY shouldn't the child SUPPORT be used for these things?  This is the price of raising children.

<<This is where the courts fall short!  Child support is just that.  Is support the child(ren).  I was a single mom of 2 before this relationship.  I have always worked, paid for the roof over my head, fed my kids, paid my bills, etc... >>

I did that too -- AND worked a few extra hours per week (stipended teaching position after school) to help make ends meet.  It was a s-t-r-e-t-c-h to pay everything that needed to be paid on MY income alone. I WISH I hadn't had to rely on his child support to make ends meet - but that part is HIS responsibility.

The ex's cheques pay for extra's like clothes, sports, future education, etc... 

<<My belief is:  WOMAN who cannot financially support themselves long-term are NOT FIT have full-time custody of their children (with the exception of job-loss, illness, within reason).  My point is, A GOOD MOTHER would ensure her kids are looked after and that she can maintain a roof over her head with or without the Ex's cheque every month.>>

Just wow.  I've always considered myself WELL more than "Fit" as a parent, but we were balls to the wall every month without ex's child support and, frankly, even when he'd pay something, it was still touch and go.  Part of being the best mom I could be meant keeping their "world" (childcare, neighborhood, schools, activities) as stable as I could.

OK....well, agree or disagree I would have to say you definately got your message across. 

Although I may not 100% agree with your entire post, I do think you touched on a hot topic commonly on this board and if not for anything else it will get people's attention and at least get some gals pondering and thinking of how your post may apply to their own situation.

Now, in a general way I do understand the message you are trying to get out.  My perspective has softened a bit with time, however again, in a general way, agree that CS or no CS, male or female, custodial parent or not, once we have a child there is an inherent repsponsibilty that comes with parenting. 

And that responsibilty is there regardless of the participation, or lack of, of the other parent.  So although I do believe that CS is partially for everyday living expenses (well, actually it is not a belief, in my state it is a simple formula) I believe at the end of the day we have to be willing and ready, if necessary, to provide 100% of the support.  No one said divorce was fair. 

Clearly by your screen name and language in your post you are extremely frustrated, so I hope you stick around and gleen support and also offer it to others.