Making a Second Marriage Work

This is an age old topic, I know, but I am at the end of my rope with DH regarding constant arguements over who does what. I had a long discussion with our therapist and she says that DH and I need to come to an agreement on household chores/responsibilities. So I had a very long discussion with DH and he agreed to do more in the kitchen and do more when his kids were with us instead of me having to do it all. Flash forward a month and he's back to the same old lazy ways of expecting me to do it all. We both work and have long commutes. I come home after working all day and have to do dinner, dishes, homework help, bath time routine, etc. When I ask DH could you load the dishwasher I get resistance...I'm busy, I'm working on something, they aren't MY dishes. ARRRGGGGHHH!!!! Then he tells me I'm being selfish. I'm being selfish????

DH always has something going on during the week which keeps him away from home and coming home late. He has decided he wants to play softball two nights a week, he also goes to the gym and stays for hours, then there's running errands after work, or sometimes it's the casino. On weeks where he has to go pick the kids up he is gone Friday night till late and on Sunday he is gone till late dropping them off (which I don't mind since it is his visitation, however when he is gone the rest of the week it's like it's just me alone with my kids again). We all eat together as a family maybe 1 night a week. The kids are always asking where he is and I usually say he's working late. I feel like a single parent. When his kids are up I am supposed to do the majority of the work as well even though I have asked for him to do more.  I have done the right thing asking but now I feel like I have to harp and nag. It's just not right. I need a partner. I am not asking for him to take over parenting of my kids but I just can't do it all and I shouldn't have to.

I'm thinking the issue at hand may not be about the division of labor...so much as him finding ways to be out of the house. I'd probably wonder and question why he chooses to be out of the house, versus being with me.

When you're seeing him at dinner once a week, if that, because he's at the gym for long hours, or playing softball twice a week, not to mention his long commute and hours, I'd have to ask him what is going on. I think he's trying to purposely be out of the house. I mean, to be THAT busy. Seems like he's trying to escape what's going on at home (be it the chores, or not).

Couple of questions. If you gusy wrote down what your chores were, and he didn't do his, what do YOU do? Do you do his chores then bitch about it? Do you nag him? What if you let him deal with it himself. i.e. let the dishes pile up. I also wonder if you "mother" him. I ask because he's so resistent to your nagging, which you're right, you shouldn't have to do....and ask yourself, what would happen if you don't nag?

We always suggest trying to change the dance. What can you do to change the dance?

 

 

Cheryl and I are of the same mind.  What he is doing is called finding "exits' from your relationship.  When you and he were talking about marriage, did you talk about what you envisioned marriage to be like?  Was it about doing things together?  Did he say what it was that he wanted in the relationship? 

My DH used community theatre in his first marriage as an exit.  Theatre and softball, both of which require going out for drinks after.  His ex stayed home, wasn't interested.  I don't know what she did (cared for their daughter I suspect).  Her daughter was her life, not her marriage.  He felt left out, so he found other things to do. 

Before DH and I married we covered all these things.  We had actually read a lot about relationships and what harms them (exits) and what nurtures them (caring).  Since we had royally screwed up the first time around and didn't want to repeat, we learned that exits would not be a part of our marriage.  Now, differing interests are fine, unless it is harming the relationship (which it sounds very much like it is).   You and your DH need to get back on the same page.  You should be best friends.  You should want to do things together...even the mundane as my DH says.

I also think it is not about the housework.  I mean really, if he really isn't there that much at all, then why should he do 50/50 on the housework.  The picture you paint is that you and your children are there all the time, he is there very little.  I really think you need to either read some books together, or see a counselor, because without that the chasm will just grow wider and wider. 

Pam

I do think it's odd that he is out so much--do you think he doesn't enjoy being around your kids, who I assume are there all the time? My 1st exH was someone who liked to go out all the time--before we had kids it didn't really bother me since I could find things to do myself and we still went out sometimes on "dates", but it was very noticeable when we had a child because obviously someone had to be taking care of her. But he still continued to do what he had always done, which was playing softball. He was on 2 leagues, one a couple of nights during the week and one was on Sundays and after they would stay there & drink beer all day. The funny thing is that now he's married to his 2nd DW, he's almost 50 and he still does the same thing. I guess she really doesn't mind that much because she's a nurse and works all different hours, plus she has a big family so she's not really sitting around waiting for him (plus there are no little kids to take care of, except for her grandchild). So when I married my 2nd DH, my ex said something like he thought our 2nd spouses were more suited to us because his DW didn't need to be w/ him all the time, where my 2nd DH & I liked to spend all our free time together. He didn't mean in maliciously, I just thought it was a funny observation that he thought it was great that his DW didn't care if he was around or not. Whenever I have seen them together, they don't seem very romantic at all, even though I think they get along fine.

So as the others said, I would definitely address why he wanted to get married if he doesn't want to seem to spend any time w/ you. Maybe he got in this habit while being single and he just continued to do that, but before you got married, I assume that the 2 of you dated and spent some time together, so maybe he just thinks that now that you are married he's "got" you so he doesn't have to put in much effort. I think that he should get the message that if he's gone all the time and not doing anything around the house, you might as well be single again, because he's not contributing much to the household.

As far as the specific chores, maybe you could stop doing things when his kids are over. Announce beforehand, that you will not be cooking the next time they are coming over. If you have to, plan on taking your kids somewhere at meal time, then don't clean up either. I know that sounds kind of petty, but then when he complains you can say "they aren't my kids, so why should I help?" Hopefully that would only have to happen once.