Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I was married before and have 2 wonderful boys.  They are 11 & 13.  Then I met my bf a little over 5 years ago.  He has 3 kids.  It was a blended family of 5 kids with an ex-wife that was very hostile.  We got married, he started drinking.  And he is one of those people whose chemistry does not work well with alcohol.  See, I can have a few beers and get really happy!  When he drinks, he gets very angry and depressed, etc.  When he was drinking he would blame our arguments on my kids, even when it truly had nothing to do with them... it had to do with how he treated them.  He would talk about killing himself.  And then finally he got violent. 

I've always been a strong girl... and if a guy calls me a f***ing bit**, then he gets slapped... it's a simple as that.  But when he started getting violent, he beat the living heck out of me!  One time he gave me a concussion.  Another time he beat me for over an hour.  When that happened, I left.  And I divorced him.  And then I moved back home.... half way across the country!

He followed me.  He wanted me to know how sorry he was and that he loved me.  He vowed he would never drink again and for a long, long time he has kept that promise.  He hasn't gotten violent with me again.  In fact, I've smacked him a few times and he hasn't gotten violent with me.  Part of the problem is that he says the most horrible things to me and outright lies to my family about things. 

We moved back in with each other 2 years ago, but have not gotten re-married.

For instance, a week ago, he and I got into an argument.  He said some really hateful things.  And it's not like he's just saying, "oh, you're a bitch."  He'll say stuff like, "You are really stupid.  And I know you're stupid because you did 'this' and 'that'...." etc.  So, he'll say mean things and then really back it up with proof statements of why he thinks these things.  My self-esteem has never been so low in my life.  Then he dragged my dad into the argument by calling him and asking him to come over.  And the whole time he spouted off nothing but lies to my dad!  I couldn't believe it.  He doesn't want to resolve anything!  He wants to win!

THe other day, someone actually called me timid!  I have never considered myself to be timid.  Have I become so?

He really loves me.... so he says.  But I cannot even stand to look at him anymore.  I hate his guts!  I don't even want him around at all.  So it sounds pretty simple right?  I should just leave, right?  Well what about my kids?  Their real father has never been around and this guy is the only "dad" they have ever known.  And for the most part, he's been pretty good to them.  They don't call him dad or anything, but it's the closest thing they've ever known.  They love him and don't want me to leave him.

Plus, our financial situation will be much more meager if he and I don't live together.  I don't get child support from the father and so it would just be my income alone, which isn't much.

Is my view of this situation skewed?  What in the world should I do?

He may have changed that he is not a physical abuser but still being the emotional abuser is just as bad. My EXH used to push me and beat me until i had DD3 then i hit him back and being the coward these types of men are, he stopped touching me violently and escalated the verbal abuse. I was called a w**ore, sl*t, b**ch, dumb and every other word you could possibly think of in front of my children. I turned the abuse inwards and ate my problems away until i reached 300 pounds. I stayed at home not even attending school functions but the names persisted.

After 8 years i finally realized that no matter what i did, i had allowed him to treat me like that so only i could stop it. I left him, i didnt have an income or house and had 4 children. He attempted suicide when all the pleading and crying didnt work (he was found and survived) but after 13 years he had turned my love into a flesh crawling hated of him. I have never regretted the decision to leave and in my case, i never asked the kids what they wanted. I was the adult and even i could finally see that his behavior was not healthy no matter if he was their father or not. It fell on me to decide that i did not want the children exposed to a role model that showed love in the form of abuse and anger. You need to do the same. Even if your kids love him, you are showing them that you do not deserve to be treated with love and respect. You do not want your children to think that this type of "love" is acceptable to either give or receive in a functional and healthy relationship. If you have options where you can make a transition to get out safely, my advice would be to GET OUT FAST. You have given him years and many chances and not much has changed. Look to your experience and history to give you the courage to make your decisions from here on in.

SB

sometimesblue has some very wise words for you and I hope you will listen.

I only wanted to add this... It is very clear from your post that you are holding on to your history together as a main reason to stay with him. I understand the urge to do this, that it feels like breaking up means wasting time or throwing time away. It's hard to let go because the attachment that builds after years of being with someone gets stronger and stronger as time goes by. But attachment isn't what makes a relationship worth staying in, especially despite what you've been through. At some point, when you realize a relationship isn't good, you have to stop looking at time behind you as time you've invested, and start looking at the time in front of you as time wasted if you stay.

I also agree that a good role model is a better father figure than a guy who your kids have known for a while.

You deserve happiness too.