Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Hi everyone,

I have never posted on here. I just needed someone to vent to and this seemed like a good place. Maybe someone could give me some advice because I just don't know what to do anymore.

I have been with my BF for about a year and a half. I met him after a really messy divorce and we started dating immediately. He seemed perfect. He was sensitive and sweet and did all the little things no guy had ever done. We moved in after about a year and I really do love him so much. There are just some things I can't get past and I don't know what to do.

First big fight... About 3 months into our relationship he went away for a weekend to do something with some work friends. It was tradition for them all to hang out and drink and stay the night in hotels after. I was totally ok with this as long as he wasn't sharing a room with any females. He said he wasn't and didn't think he would even drink. Promised to call me that night and never did. It turned out that he had shared a room with women, including one he had previously been involved with. Gotten really really drunk and laid in a bed with a woman. I found this out because someone posted pics on their MySpace page. I was upset that he lied. I forgave him though and wanted to try to move on.

There have been many small fights like in any other relationship, but I have always gone back to the question of whether or not I can trust him. He has lied about a few other things. And he thinks that it is all no big deal. He travels and once got really drunk and broke up with me from another country at 2 am.

I have become really untrusting. I started looking through his phone for a while, but have stopped because I hate that side of me. I always feel like he is up to something. I want to trust him so bad, but I just don't know if I can. I love him so much and I want to work things out. But I don't know if I could trust him again.

Tonight he is out of the country again for work and he sent me a text saying he wouldn't be able to call me tonight because he would be out late having dinner with someone who works for his company. I told him I am not comfortable with him being out late after the previous incidents while he's been away. He got mad and said I was overreacting. Am I?

I want this to work. Is it me screwing up this relationship? I just don't feel like he cares about my feelings. How can I fix things? Or is it too late?

Any advice would help. I am just so confused right now.

I can only imagine how upset you would feel at seeing your BF on a bed with another woman on the internet.

If you have been fed lies before and know that he has purposefully hid things from you, then you should know the best thing is to talk to him about your boundaries. If he feels you are overreacting or being silly, then he is not taking you seriously. He undermines your confidence without doing a whit about reassuring you. He is making you out to be insecure when you have a right to be comfortable in the relationship especially since he is out of the country regularly.

What it comes down to is that if you cannot trust him and he doesnt do anything to make you feel better, IMO he doesnt really care too much for the relationship. Let him know what you will and will not accept and if he does not agree, then it may be time to leave and find someone that you are on the same page with.

Good Luck

SB

Your first mistake was forgiving him and keeping him around after he broke your trust. That also sounds like your second mistake, third mistake, fourth mistake, fifth mistake.... When is it going to end? When are you going to see that the reason you are being lied to is because you keep believing a person who has shown you nothing but lies?

I want to be honest with you. It is because of your choices that you are in this position you are in now, hurting and confused. You continue to choose to be with a person who isn't trustworthy.

The reason you stay with him is because you want to believe he isn't who he is. At some point you will have to start looking more at the reality your brain sees and knows to be true, and stop looking at your feelings and how badly you want to "fix" things.

The truth is, you don't really want to fix things. Because to fix things with this guy means going back to deluding yourself in order to minimize conflict. He's going to be a liar whether you want to believe it or not. There is only ONE WAY that you can fix things - And that's to end a relationship that, fundamentally, is not good for you, and to allow yourself to move on and find someone who already is a person worth trusting. You're taking an emotional beating for this guy's actions and until you realize that you're going to have to leave in order to find happiness, the best you can do to stop hurting is to turn a blind eye to what this man is obviously doing to you.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. There are a few things I would like to add

Last night he had eventually said that he would call me when he returned. He said that all of those things were in the past and wouldn't happen again. I truly believed him.

Hours after he said he would return I began to worry. I thought that there was no way he was doing this to me again after our conversation. I called the hotel and asked the front desk if he had returned and he hadn't, I called hospitals. I was in a panic. I guess this was all stupid. I just couldn't believe that he would do it again.

So finally I get a text from him, after many worried texts to him and hours of crying. He says, "why haven't you answered me, didn't you get all of my texts?" I told him I hadn't gotten any and he went on to tell me how he had gotten sick and had been in the bathroom in his hotel room for hours. I called the front desk (couldn't call his cell phone due to charges in another country). The front desk let me know that he had just gotten there and he let him know to call me. He transferred me through. Immediately I confronted him about lying and he admitted to lying about being there and texting me.

His only excuse was that he is stupid and he doesn't deserve me and he was sorry.

I know what I should probably do... but why is it so hard for me? I love him and I feel like he will see that I am hurt and won't do it again. So why does it continue? Do you think he is cheating? He said who he was with, but how do I know it is true? He told me he would leave me if I called the person and asked. But how can I know!?

I know I sound like a total idiot! I just don't know if leaving him is the solution. How could leaving the person you love be the right thing?

I want him to be honest. I don't want to hurt. How do people say they love you but continue to hurt you?