I've been married over 20 years. Was with this woman for 5 years before that. 25 years together. In the last three or so years, I've tried to leave twice and was convinced to stay and work it out. I love my wife. I do. We have a home, three kids and a great life. I've been faithful to her our entire marriage. But I am -- and have been for some time -- at the end of my rope.
The fact is, my wife and I have NEVER been sexually compatible. She knows what she likes and she's not interested in anything else. And what my wife likes is intercourse in the missionary position. I don't begrudge her that, but I'm a very spontaneous guy in the bedroom. Anything and everything should be fair game. But my wife isn't interested in manual sex, oral sex. She won't even dry hump. As far as she's concerned, any and all sexual contact has to lead to intercourse.
I've long lamented the idea that I've spent the last two decades of my life suppressing my sexual desire. It's the reason I've tried to leave. And it sounds selfish as hell. But the idea I'm going to spend what may be the last 20 years of my life continuing to suppress my desires is starting to drive my crazy. Which has put me on a short fuse with her.
I've suggested counseling in the past. But my wife is dead set against it. She's one of those people who believes she's always right and that any problem in her life is someone else's fault. i.e., if there's a problem in the bedroom it's me, not her. And there's no way in heck she's going to stand in front of a impartial mediator who may not agree with her. (Whenever our kids agree with me, and not her, she calls them 'rude' and 'ungrateful.' My wife NEEDS to be the one that's right all the time.)
Now the truth is I'm seriously contemplating divorce. Seriously. And here's why: the other day she asked me to tell her about a sexual fantasy and I did. It was so simple. I'd love to see her perform oral sex on me. She hates doing it, but she agreed to. I spent the entire day in anticipation of it. Then that night, she only agreed to do it if I simulated oral sex on a dildo. I thought that was unfair. I have no desire to pretend to perform oral sex on a penis. She used that as an excuse to not follow through on her promise. It was essentially the last straw. I realized this woman will never make me happy sexually and feels no need to. I can either accept that or do something about it.
I've spent the last four hours looking for an affordable marriage counselor (I've been out of work over a year and can't really pay for it), but like I said, she wouldn't go with me anyway. But I'm willing to go alone. I've also tried to find some kind of free online counseling but it doesn't seem to exist. I've done some research on how to go about getting a quickie divorce. (Seems pretty simple if both parties are agreeable.)
Like I said, I've spent 20 years with this very controlling woman (we won't even get into that) who believes all I need in the bedroom is what she wants. I'm sick of it. I can't spend the rest of my life in this situation. Right now I know the day I die, one of the last thoughts to go through my head will be: I should have cheated.
My advice is this: Get the divorce. No amount of marriage counseling is going to make her a different person. It's just as unreasonable for you to expect her to change as it is for her to expect you to be someone you're not. Only, you allowed yourself to be stifled for 20 years, when you willingly give something up then it's you who pays the price later on, sad to say.
She sounds incredibly selfish and impossible to reason with. I am appalled at her requesting you perform oral on a dildo before she'd do it to you... Real mature of her.
I don't know how you put up with this for so long. Of course you should leave, I would hate for you to endure this torture for the rest of your life and die with that regret. And trust me, your kids will be okay.
you should probably have gotten one long ago becaues that's a long time to be in sexual purgatory, and sex is very important or else you have a platonic relationship. It's one reason i don't know why people wait until marriage to have sex - by then it's too late to see that they don't like sex the way you do. Plus, if anyone has that much control for abstinence i cant deal w/ it, then they can use it to hold over my head. It's partly a problem society made becuase many women feel that they are the key holders to be "Pure" and "chaste." NOOOO i disagree, men just like women want to feel desired, but many men feel that a sexual women woudl be a "whore" only to find out too late. I guess i could vent about the "sex too soon must be a ho" ideology but I'll spare ya.
I'm concentrating on the sexual aspect b/c thats what you are asking about, but i sense the entire relationship is topsy turvey. It is not good for the kids to see that mom is always dragging dad along by the leash. That is not a good role model. while it might rip apart the family for a while, it would be much better for them to see how a healthy relationship might work. this does not seem very fair.
Are there issues of why she might not want to do this? Does she have an abnormally small mouth or very long teeth or gingivitis? For me if my bf does not do oral sex it MIGHT NOT be a deal breaker but certainly something i enjoy very much and a "minus" for him. Actually it might be a deal breaker, becaues i intend to have good oral sex at least occassionaly in my life. Some men are terrible at it or don't enjoy doing it, and that upsets me because then i don't feel desired.
Anyways there are women out there who love to give oral sex (to the right person, no one is undiscriminatory, but your husband should be #1). For example, it's one of my favorite things to do w/ my bf, can't get enough, and the sex is varied in places & positions (library, car, roommate's beds) - don't want to get too graphic but there definitely are females out there who are not whores who love sex just as much (or more) than men do. Truthfully i think many women have a bigger appetite b/c we're the ones spending $$ on outfits to dress up in, and i feel sorry for my bf as he should call the sexual abuse hotline (j/k). My best friend and her bf are the same in adventurousness and frequency (I admit we are in our 20s so maybe your lady has decreased her appetite?). I admit back about 8 years ago i was always denying my then-bf but that was because i wasn't attracted to him as much (even though everyone else thought he was hot) b/c i didnt like men with lots of muscles. Could this be the problem? she could value u as a friend/partner but not that attracted to you.
Maybe my post will scare you back into the arms of your chaste and calm wife.
Oh, counseling will not increase ANYone's sexual appetite.
I know my opinion is completely opposite "bluemackerels", but you've been married for 20 years, don't divorce your wife at the advice of a young flirty 20 year old.
Give your wife a break! EVERYONE always thinks the other side is controlling and difficult. Its human nature. Chances are, you are both just bored with your lives. Get a new hobby together or something. To rekindle trust and the feeling of comfort in a relationship, you both need to earn it. Start the honeymoon over. Create a date night, once a week and dress up nice (no jeans or hats). Meet some new friends and learn some new interests. Perhaps to her, you are the same boring guy you have been for the past 20 years, and she lost her attraction to you. Be a romeo and sweep her off her feet. Women enjoy sex more, when they feel sexy and loved. Its not all on her, to be better in bed. Earn it. Cook her dinner AND do the dishes after. Also, don't get your hopes up. Expecting sexual favors is also a turn off for most women. Sex should not be a chore. If you expect nothing, you can't be disappointed, right? Also, I don't know that you do this, but NEVER expect your wife to be a porn star in bed. Its an unfair comparison.
Perhaps your wife was raised to feel that sex is dirty and cheap. Or maybe she has no self confidence. You should always listen to her side as well. And if the listening doesn't work, email her. She can read it slowly, then respond, without cutting you off. And leave the kids out of it. I am sure they would never agree to a divorce!
In my opinion, yes. To divorce your wife of 20 committed years, because of a blowjob is silly! Sexual desires are natural, for most people. But not for all. Love your wife for who she is, not who you want her to be. You seem to have this ideal woman in your head from somewhere. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Thank you, insatiated, for the different perspective. I also thank the others who have responded and appreciate and respect all opinions.
I would not disagree with you, insatiated, except you need to read my original post more carefully. Our sex life has not changed. It is the exact same it has always been because this is the sex life my wife is comfortable with and feels no need to make changes. She is not interested in any form of sexual contact except intercourse. We can have sex every day for the rest of our lives and she will not want to change a single thing. If I increase the speed she objects. And this has been going on for the last 25 years of our time together. She is not going to change now. And I have reservations about spending the rest of my life with this. I can assure you, no matter of romance is going to change her. In the hot heavy days of courtship, we were having the exact same sex. And a nice dinner and roses and a fresh shower on my part is unlikely to start her flipping into new positions or diving between my legs at a moment's notice. She is not interested. In 25 years, I've convinced her to try 3 different positions and we never did them a second time.
Now, to be clear, I would NEVER dissolve this relationship over a blow job. Let me make this perfectly clear: My wife offered me a sexual favor in exchange for my simulating oral sex on a dildo. And when I rejected her suggestion, SHE REJECTED ME. I am healthy heterosexual 48 year old man who has no interest in pretending to suck a penis. That was emasculating and insulting and the last straw in a long line of similar behavior. For my wife to even suggest it is, to my mind, demeaning and shows a lack of respect on her part. And the true problem is, after 25 years, she doesn't have enough respect for me to know that. And that's the core of this relationship. If I request a favor of her, sexual or otherwise, she is going to control it by making me do something she wants.
I do love my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But I can't keep living on her terms. We are supposed to make each other happy and that includes trying harder in the bedroom. When I said she was controlling, I meant it. Everything has to be her way. This I have come to terms with. She will tell you, I do not have the right to say 'no'. Ever. But I do it anyway and she resents me for it. Again, something I've learned to live with. But the idea that all I need in the bedroom is intercourse in the missionary position has put a strain on me. Not her. And the idea that I would have to humiliate myself to get her to pleasure me seems a tad unfair.
Love 
