Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I have been married for 22 years to a controlling man. Some physical abuse, a lot of mental. I had a break down 12 years ago and have been on medicine since then and seeing a therapist for 6 years. No one including family and my therapist knew anything about the stress or abuse I was living with until May of this year. Everyone thought we were the happiest couple and would be the absolute last people to separate.

At the end of April we had a bad fight I finally stood my ground and left in May and was gone for 4 months - He made things very hard for me-gave me no money, took my car and both my kids (21 and 16) stayed with him( bc he would get mad if they did not) He never ever touched the kids and the physical abuse was a couple of times a year. It was the mental I could not handle.

My sister's fiance gave me his apartment for the last 4 months of his lease so I had my own place and he paid everything, even for a lawyer when we were headed that way. Then I had to either sign a year lease or go home. I missed my family he said he would change so I went back.

Some things have changed but he is still controlling me. We are in marriage counseling but I am not happy. He has taken all my self confidence away from  me.

I felt better when I left and was on my own but I am on disability for the last 12 years bc of depression and anxiety. It is only $1,000 in a month. I panicked bc I would not have enough to live on after 3 yrs of alimony. I cannot live on just my disability.

I do not know what to do - please any insight would be greatly appreciated.

What does your lawyer say? Having been married for 22 years, 1/2 of EVERYTHING is yours, including his retirement. I bet it's not across the country in all states that way, but you should find out what you're entitled to.

I agree with the PP, in that you might not need so much help with depression and anxiety once you get out of the depressing anxious situation you are in with an abusive guy. And now that your therapist knows the whole truth you can be better helped mentally.

You also should not stay because of what may or may not happen 3 years from now. That's a lot of time to get some technical skills to support yourself once the alimony stops. By that time you could be a paralegal, or an LPN, or an accountant, or any of the 20 or so career options on the PCDI commercials where you learn at home to earn your degree.

Life is not infinite. You have no idea how much time you have to live, and so live is exactly what you should do!!

 

Alimony plus a minimum wage job on a college campus equals a college degree in a few years.  You could also see if your state has a Displaced Homemaker office--your local domestic abuse shelter will be able to help you.

In addition to being entitled to half of everything including his retirement, you are also entitled to receive Social Security payments based on his income, and there are grants and scholarships that can help you start a new life.  Don't assume that you can't be successful in the future just because you've had problems in the past.