So I have been married for just over a year (Oct 4th was our 1 year). And pretty much from the day we got married things have progressively grown worse. First some background information is needed.
I met R in December of 2004 on a blog online while I was still in high school. He lived in another country (English speaking) at the time so naturally I did not want to start anything so we just remained friends. There was no official we're together date considering the nature of our relationship. But a year later we met in person and the real relationship I guess some may say, began. We went back and forth seeing each other, but with the distance it was hard and we spent the majority of the time apart. When I first met R, I was still in love with my best friend M. We've always had a very odd relationship with one another. We've had a friendship that was pretty close to overstepping the boundary into more than just friendship. But he was always with someone, so nothing ever came of it and neither of us really knew how the other felt (only suspected) until much later. And R knew all about our relationship as he had access to my blog being that is the way we met.
Anyway, we grew really close over time and he was a good distraction from M. We started seeing each other more and more and staying longer and longer. There were a few times I tried to call it quits because it didn't seem like it would end up anywhere. But then he'd promise that it would, etc. I tried to get him to go to college and to get a job, but he was afraid that in doing so he wouldn't be able to see me as often and didn't express much interest in going to college. He had a family business to take over eventually, so that was his fallback. He did want to go to college at some point though. We got engaged in 07' and continued on with our long distance relationship.
I lost someone close to me not too long ago, and when that happened I was alone and had a difficult time dealing with that. That was my deciding factor as before we were trying different methods to be together in the same country that wouldn't force us to get married. I always felt pressured into it I guess. But I did make the decision... in a highly emotional state though. So he came over and a few months later we eloped. Ever since that day, it's felt wrong. And we have slowly drifted apart. I realize that marriage changes things, there's an adjustment period and all that. I think we also have it harder given our circumstances. For one, as he is a foreigner he is not able to work. We are currently trying to find a way to come up with the money for the applications to be filed, while I work and finish up college.
Things have grown so bad that we no longer sleep in the same room. He decided to give me more space and sleep in the guestroom. And we hardly talk anymore or do anything. I have tried, but it just leaves me feeling rather empty. I don't feel as much as I did when the relationship began. Which makes me wonder if I was ever really in love. I know I love him and care about him. But I don't feel romantically involved I guess one could say. It certainly does not help that I still have the same relationship with M as I once did. And it's worse now that we're older. Nothing has happened, but we both want something more, however; we are both in relationships. If things with R were to end, I would want a relationship with him, but I do not believe that he would end his relationship for me. I try to be as much of a realist as possible.
A huge thing with R and I is that, he refuses to communicate or to open up. In situations with my friends, even ones he has met and spoken with several times, he will not talk to. He will say hi and that is all. He is very awkward in those situations. The most problematic is that we never fight. He never lets me know when he is upset with me. He wont' talk it through. He also, on three different accounts after promising to be different the next time, neglected to tell me that the money he had saved up to help us pay our bills was gone. Also, when I get upset with him and talk to him about it, he hardly acts as if he is even listening to me. I'll ask him to talk and he won't. He just sits there. Which of course only upsets me further.
I feel horrible for the way the relationship is going and solely responsible for it. He made so many sacrifices for me and he is entirely dedicated to me and in love with me. I know that. But my feelings on the other hand... I feel that we both deserve more. He deserves someone who appreciates him more and loves him the way that he loves me. I feel I got caught up in a lot of things. The promises of traveling when he's working in the family business as well as the travel we did as getting to know each other that I never thought I'd do so young! And having someone love me the way he does was exhilarating. This is both of our first relationships. I'm afraid to say it is over and regret it because there's no middle ground. There's no undoing it. If he leaves, he is barred from the US for 10 years. He has told a mutual friend of ours that he would wait if I changed my mind. I feel a lot of pressure from this relationship. As the sole provider, as being his entire world, pressure from our families as they have helped support us and get us where we are, and just for this to work out. For me to make it work. But my heart has not been in this for a long time. I know some of it is because of M, since things have always been weird with us and now we have both spoken on how we feel about each other. I am being careful as to not let anything happen with him while I figure things out with R and trying to separate my feelings from both relationships.
I realize this is a rambling mess. As there is so much going on, much more than I have put here. But I don't know how many will actually read all of this. Hard to keep it short and to the point with so many details. I'm just confused on things. And afraid to hurt R more than I already am. I do feel/know that getting married was a huge mistake. And I know that I was not ready at the time and that I'm still not ready for it. But how do you know that it is over?
Love 
