The Single Life

I was just on Oprah.com.  That is a great website, never went on before but they have some really interesting articles.  Anyhow, I was reading a few articles about singles and it seems that the thing that they really try to drill into your head is how our bad thinking is really the reason that we cannot find a good man.

I've only come to the realization these past few months, that my past bad relationships and the reason I havent found the right guy yet is my fault.  I cant believe how tall the wall I have built around my heart has become. 

I look back at past prospects...guys I dated who stopped calling me eventually.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, and there was, but I subconciously pushed these guys away. 

It sucks so much how you want love so bad but cant allow yourself to open up so you can find it.

This is even worst than being unattractive, overweight, or in a place where there arent any single men, or other reasons for being single.  At least you can make yourself attractive, lose weight, and go to a location where there is single men. 

I know people say "knock down that wall" as if it were so simple!  Its not simple.  Its even harder than losing 50 lbs or moving to a different location.  I've read books on how to raise my self esteem and accept myself, and I try all the tricks, and I've only made a tiny bit of progress.  Its so hard! 

I also read on the website that when you are limiting yourself inside..you have a pre-conceived notion on how things are and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You consciously feel ok.  You tell yourself that you are beautiful, smart, awesome and all this stuff, but unsciously, you dont feel that way at all, and you build the wall to keep others out.  This is such a mess.

I've spent 28 years being this way and building this wall.  Thats why I've never loved.  I want it so bad too.

I always felt that if the right guy came along I could love. 

What do you guys think?

BTW this is the article I was looking at.  Its really interesting and lets you see things different.

http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/dating/20091020-orig-female-chauvinist

That was a very good article and so true.   We do limit ourselves to stay in our safety zone, also known as the wall.  I think we all have walls of some sort.  It's our protection from the world, so we think.

I know some of the relationships I have had I caused the breakup because my expectations on this person were way too high.  On the other hand it has happened the other way too.

I think the first thing to do is come to terms with who you really are, not who you think you want to be.  I spent most of my life trying to be a good daughter, good wife, good mother and basically I was.  You know I still wasn't good enough.  It took a few years after my divorce, a few bad relationships to realize it was time to be good enough.  It was time to look at myself by myself, not through the eyes of others.  It was a pretty neat experience because it takes all limitations away.

Sometimes I ask myself, would I want to date me.  Some days it's a resounding no and then other days, I think well maybe.

By reading and questioning you are helping yourself grow and that helps you know exactly what your wall consists of.

Its just such a weird feeling being "unavailable" and you are single!

Honestly, everything is so clear to me now.

I always chose the wrong guy on purpose, the guys who didnt want me and played games, those were all safety choices for me.  There was no danger of love or a relationship.  I cant let a guy get that close to me. 

It makes so much sense.  I went through a huge ordeal almost 3 years ago.  My self esteem was shaky then still, but I had a loving relationship with a great guy who wanted to marry me.  Then the death of a parent occured. 

After that, I thought I was fine and handled things right.  But even my then boyfriend noticed a change in me.  I pushed him away.  I now know that I didnt grieve properly.  Because even after two and a half years, I cannot talk about the death.  I just cant. 

After so many break ups we broke it off for good.  This was last December.  I had a total of 4 dates since then, only one of them made it to the second date, but that was all.

One of those guys really really liked me, I just held myself back.  I did it so unconsciously too.  I had no idea what I was doing.  With all the guys I had met since then, I held back.  Pushed them away. 

That is why I'm single.  I mean, not to sound arrogant, but I'm a pretty girl and I get hit on ALOT.  Most of the times I dont take things past initial conversation by my own accord.  I even lie to myself.  I make up excuses why I wont go out with a guy...ridiculous excuses from I think he is a player to I dont like his shoes.  I even tell myself I have fallen for an unattainable guy...I know that I made myself fall for him because i cant have him so I am safe.   

I cant let anyone in or get to know me well at all because I am not ok inside.

Everything is so clear to me now and I am glad that I have finally seen this.

No dates, even though this cutie at one of my classes keeps bringing me flowers.  I think he's a great guy....unfortunately I'm emotionally unavailable. 

So far everything is going good.  I have made a little progress.  I have started a switch to a more positive outlook on life.  I dont hesitate as much before saying hi to someone or talking to someone.  My confidence is going up a few notches.  I have forgiven alot of people in my life, I have let go of alot of anger towards them.  I am practicing compassion towards others.

I do these meditation excersises, where you take someone who has hurt you and you forgive them.  I didnt think it would work but it has.  The next excercise is to forgive oneself.  That will be a little harder I think.  I see the world a little better now, just after only a few months of self examination.

I think everyone should try this if you are unhappy at all in your life.

Thanks for listening :)