The Single Life

Hello there!

After reading these boards for sometime I know that my issue will give me peace once I hear back from you guys. You always seem to offer really great insight and I need that right now.

Scenario:

Dated for 2 months, nothing happened other than our schedules became tight and we could not see each other as we had hoped one week. My last encounter with him was very pleasant, he waited for me after to work just to see me and hugged and kissed goodbye after chatting. Then.... I never heard from him again.

Meaning, I sent two texts during that weekend without a response. I called him on day 5 asking what was up? He called two days later to offer nothing more than he couldn't understand why I was upset about not hearing from him. I countered with in the past I heard or saw him every couple of days and that 5 days wasn't normal.

I ended the call with okay, so apparently I am into this more than you and I'm sorry I reacted to not hearing from him and he countered, can't we just hang out and do things instead?

My radar said "OTHER WOMAN" and I told him that I had enough friends but thanks. I tried to remain positive. It's been two weeks and I haven't heard from him. I've called and he text me back that he would call me after the weekend. Today is Wednesday and I'm like DUDE... just end it already because all the signs are there that he's checked out. When we last spoke I did ask "what happened"? He just looked away and said since our schedules didn't match he just wanted to get together "here and there". Ouch. :-(

Why not just say, I'm done? I sent a text during a "moment" saying that he was an a-hole. then completely deleted his number and email from my phone.... I just don't like that nothing indicated that he was unhappy yet his actions clearly shows that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me at this point. Which is why I didn't mind calling him an a-hole.

Instead of having me climb the walls for two weeks analyzing every conversation at 42 years old I would think that he would have said it wasn't clicking for him rather than be a chicken and let the fact that he used blowing me off to get the hint.

P-a-i-n-f-u-l. Even my friends who have met and spent time with him were confused by the abrupt about face. I ask for your insight so I can get past blaming myself and agonizing over what am I doing to trigger his flight. As for me, I'm 42 also. Not married, no kids, work 2 jobs and just interested in having a relationship after 7 years of endless dates without any results. My track record is that men typically have bailed about week 4. Sometimes I'm intimate and sometimes I'm not but I'm always nice so I'm just downright confused.... yes, I've read catch him and keep him and I don't seem to be doing anything "wrong" other than I have now been overly conditioned by disappointment and go into dating uncertain and insecure. So many men only want something casual and "see where it goes" I know that casual thing can lead to committment but since there are no guarantees, I'm not good putting myself out there without knowing it's going anywhere so I question... then they run. :-)

Thoughts?

As far as analyzing situations and trying to figure out what you did wrong, you are fighting a losing battle.  You will never know without straight out asking the other person.  And it seems like he doesnt really want to communicate that, so it is just best to let it go.  Its harder than it sounds, but all this thinking is really not going to do you any good, since you are analyzing things that may be far from the reason why he just stopped calling you.

I'm wondering though why is it that these guys dont stick around.  I feel like you can definitely tell when a guy is losing interest, but if they are showing interest then they jet, it may be something like you are not giving as much into the relationship as they would like.  Maybe you work alot and they feel like you dont want to make any time for them or something like that can be the case.

I've had too many men abruptly do an about face to even try to ask why it happens anymore.  I think the mistake a lot of women make is assuming that it's all about us.  Sometimes, it's not.  Sometimes we've done nothing specific, it just doesn't work or click right.  I think some men are either too chicken to say it or they've had too many experiences with women who freak out and they'd just rather not say anything.  They'd rather do the "slow fade" and avoid all confrontation.

'.....Instead of having me climb the walls for two weeks analyzing every conversation at 42 years old I would think that he would have said it wasn't clicking for him rather than be a chicken and let the fact that he used blowing me off to get the hint'.

They just don't, the b-ds. This is what they do because they are cowards and can't say 'Miss-lily-lilac, it isn't clicking, farewell'. Dissapear, stop contact and hope that you 'get the message'. Some also think it's kinder. Idiots, those who do. But the sad reality of it is that this is what men do, and there's nothing women can do to change it. All you can do now is just forget he ever existed and keep on keeping on. I wish you all the best.

This does just seem to be the trend nowadays of just disappearing w/o ending things officially, which is ironic considering we have more ways to communicate than ever. I discovered this after my 1st div, when I was about 40 and started dating again. I would go out w/ someone a few times, I would think that everything seemed to be going fine, then suddenly they would disappear w/o a trace. I only had one guy, who was older and really nice, actually tell me that he thought we shouldn't see each other any more because at that time my kids were little and his were grown & he just didn't want to get into raising kids again. At the time, I was upset, but now that I look back at it, he was decent. I do think that people in general like to avoid confrontation & unpleasantness so the guy doesn't want to tell you he's through because he is afraid you'll either cry, get mad or want to beg him to stay.

I also wonder if you are rushing things--how often did you see this guy during 2 months if you are working 2 jobs? If you only actually dated a few times, I wouldn't consider that a relationship. You're still at the "getting to know you" stage. Neither one of you has any obligation to the other. So when you called him after not hearing from him in 5 days, was your tone of voice like "Hi, what's up? How have you been?" in a nice friendly conversational way, or the tone of "You are a jerk cause you haven't called me in 5 days." That would turn someone off. The reason I ask is that you said "I'm not good putting myself out there without knowing it's going anywhere so I question... then they run. :-)" Some women start questioning "where is this going " too fast and it does make guys run. If I had just started dating someone and liked him and he asked that question, my response would be like "How would I know how I am going to feel 6 mos or a year from now?"