The Single Life

Hi.  This post was inspired by Sun's post below.

Sun's post reminded me of how often I have felt abandoned or betrayed in life.

Do others get this, too?

The last time shocked me.  I befriended a woman  I was chatting up in a coffeehouse.  I really liked her. She started her own business in her 60's, was creative, strong and we talked politics, design and life.  I admired her in many ways.  It seemed like we enjoyed each other...we laughed a lot and she expressed a desire to go hiking. She had lots of friends there...and we just chit chatted when the mood arose...at least once a week but she would say hi everytime.

This woman was single...and she told me her only social life was the cafe. So, I invited her out to meet me and my date for dinner in her neighborhood.   I like inviting people out who may not get the opportunity. We meet...its' a beautiful, warm summer evening, we are outside. The conversation flows, she is enjoying my date...all is good.  My date PAYS for all of us...unexpectedly.  We take her home, drop her off to make sure she is safe and all is well.

The next morning I am feeling happy from the good time, good conversation and feeling pretty confident I may have her as a friend. I call to say "I had fun". I also asked her for her arborist's number as I needed one (she is a landscape designer). 

This is when things get weird.  She refuses to give me his number and demands the address where the work is.  I tell her that I need to talk to him first...about his prices, the work, etc first before giving out an address. She insists on the address. I can't do it because I can't just give him an address, I have to talk to him first!

She got domineering on me.  "K, this is the way it is done, not the way YOU want it done".  She talks down to me and  tells me I am "hysterical".

That's when it gets bad. I tell her that calling me that was uncalled for, I had every right to insist upon talking to him on the phone.  I also told her, in my business, I've hired many plumbers, handymen, etc and I have NEVER been talked down to by them like I was by her.

Clearly, she wanted to get a commission but she went about it the wrong way.

On the way back from that walk, I cried.  Cried that someone I treated so nicely (was always respectful and supportive and positive) would treat me so bad without even thinking it!  All that effort to be nice....GONE.  It didn't even matter that we gave her a free dinner...a kindness!  I can't be friends with someone who would treat me so bad.

We went back and forth in emailing...she never apologized.  I didn't hire her to say the least.

Does this happen to you?  I feel this happens to me fair enough. I feel I am nice, friendly, supportive, reach out to someone...and they do not give back in the same way, not appreciate me, or worse, even disrespect me.

It really gets in the way of my want...to have loving/fun/supportive relationships.

Anyone feel this?  Do you know the secret?  I don't know what to do.

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened. I read your other post about your friend becoming pregnant and the Halloween party.

I have no good answer, but wanted you to know I relate, relate, relate. I think it's just really hard to make deep friendships when you are older. Period.

Two things have helped me with the whole friends issue: One, I started a gratitude journal. It has really helped my attitude and helped me appreciate what I do have. I have been very interested in the whole "Positive Psychology" movement in the last few years, and this is always recommended. The second thing is this: instead of becoming frustrated over my friends' unavailability, I just accept it and just appreciate what little time they can make for me. I also know that I have to be the one to suggest getting together because they won't think to do it. It's just the way it is, there's no sense in becoming all torn up about it. In the meantime, I just keep trying to make new connections. Some days I handle it better than others. Plus, I have just started my own MeetUp group, can you believe it? We'll see if this yields any real friendships. And of course, there's the continuing quest with online dating.

I also disagree with the other poster in that I think men and women can be friends.

But, I know it's a loss when a friend becomes pregnant or gets married--it's true, your friendship will more than likely suffer. And yeah, I suppose you can become close again when the kids go to college, but by then, I think a lot gets lost. Plus, they'll be all involved with their children's' weddings and eventual grandchildren. I'm just saying.

I'm a little confused though about the landscape designer's reluctance to give you the phone number--does the arborist work for her?

From what I have learned from my own recent experience, you don't realize who your TRUE friends are until tragedy strikes.  The tragic death that happened to a close friend of mine back in July shook me to my core.  And when I was grieving (still am but I'm taking it one day at a time)I knew who was there for me & who wasn't.  A friend of mine that I've known half my life & thought was a true friend, well I thought wrong.  Her of all ppl I thought would be more empathetic since her mother died three years ago.  But I was wrong & needless to say I've distanced myself from her.  After my friend's death back in July I bought some books to help me cope & get some thread of comfort.  Everyone deals & grieves differently.  She was by one day and she made a comment when she saw them, "Those books don't work.  You wasted your money & they won't do you a bit of good. May as well take them back because they're a waste of time & money."  I looked at her & asked her why she would say something like that since they give me comfort right now.  She said to not cop her an attitude that it's America & she's entitled to her own free opinion.  She later apologized but it really hurt when she said that.  And needless to say since then, I've distanced myself from her.  And it's possible I may have "outgrown" her as well. 

But no, it's not easy making true friends.  I've noticed a lot here lately that when someone tries to be nice to somebody like in your situation, there is no thank you and/or you get your head bit off.  I think civility has been tossed out the window.  I don't know why she gave you such a hard time about trying to get the number for her landscaper.  It's not like you are taking him away from her & stealing him.  If she wants to be like that, then it's best to stay away from her.  I just don't know why some ppl act the way they do.

Co-CL for The Single Life     

Lv2breathe, are you still together with your bf? Is it going well? How long has it been now?

Can I ask you, and please don't take this the wrong way, but... why do you think you have the need to randomly befriend people in places? Is your partner not your friend? How about relatives? Siblings?

Sadly, new frendships very rarely work out at our age. People are understandably suspicious and mistrustful in such situations. I know I would be if a woman approached me in a cafe in a way that you describe. This isn's your fault, at all, just sad reality of life in 2009....

Thank you for your reply.

It's a new day today and while walking my dogs in the sunshine (and after a nice cheery jolt of caffeine ; ) ) I had some thoughts on how to deal with this low right now.

*I am going to accept my feelings and depression...love the negative because, according to a book that has been so helpful (Spiritual Growth by Sanaya Roman)if you love your negatives they will more easily be transformed into "positive expressions". I love that expression.  So I accept how I feel now...so they can fade easier.

*I asked myself what would make myself feel better?  Then I thought...well I can always be kind and give the gift of kindness to others (thoughts and words...without being "too much", of course).  I can forgive those who are not that nice to me.  I can meditate more (always helps with emotional calm) and commit to doing those things that bring me joy.  Not trying to be a "saint" by any means and I am no longer going to give to others who cannot appreciate it...but still...this makes me feel better.

*I am going to be "ok" right now with not knowing the answers and just be, for now.

Anyways, in answer to your question...I asked for her arborist because, well, I know she could have used the money and I thought it was a "win win".  So I had no problem with her making something off of me...but when she was so disrespectful about it (she was withholding so she could get the commission) I fired her. 

I since hired someone who not only gave a free consultation but he was respectful of me, as I am of workers, as they should be. 

I remember saying to her "D, I can't believe you are treating me this way.  We took you out as a gesture of kindness and you treat me like this"???

D:  "I'll pay you back, how much was it"?

ME:  "It's not the money...that is not the point.  It's the thought. I've only been nice to you".

Well that is where it ended...she denied everything, of course.