The Single Life

Hi..I joined here because I am floundering.

I was married in my thirties and it ended badly. Recently I was in a relationship (2 years) with a man who seemed like everything I wanted. However, he just confessed that he loved me but for some reason has been unable to feel committed (this happened in other relationships for him, he says). He hastened to say "it's not you, it's me" and there is no other woman (I know this for a fact).

He managed to hide his issues for quite some time because I had no idea I was involved with a commitmentphobe. Believe me, I am very observant and didn't ignore red flags.

Regardless, I feel betrayed and devastated. I guess I know the cure: time, distractions, friends etc. I know it will pass and I know I can be alone successfully. But somehow at 40 it seems so much more difficult than at 33. I live in a very small town and prospects are slim even if I had the energy to start over in a relationship.

I guess I'm looking for hope. I sometimes feel that I can't pick myself up from this one, and that I should just become resigned to being single forever. While I know I CAN do it, and be content to a point, I don't WANT to.

Any thoughts would be nice. I don't have a huge support system nearby.

May I commiserate w/ you? I'm 52 & single after the 2nd divorce. Yes, that was exactly how I planned my life--1st DH & I were married for 13 yrs and we had 2 kids, then a few years later I marred 2nd DH--we were married for 5 yrs and had dated for 3 yrs prior to that. That was way worse than the 1st one since he had bipolar disorder. I don't know what was in my head marrying him, since even a couple of weeks before the marriage, I was telling my MOH that I didn't think I could go through w/ it, but unfortunately there were some economic ties that I didn't know how to get out of.

Sometimes I think that it would be ok if I was just single for the rest of my life, I have work, friends & things to do. Eventually I'll probably have the grandkids, but some days there just seems to be something lacking. I'm not that old that I want to give up on romance completely, although I don't want to get married again. I see that my 82 yr old uncle just got a new GF--he has been married twice and widowed, so it's kind of crazy to see him in the excitement of having a new "friend" and here I am, can't get a date to save my life.

Is there any possibility of you moving to a place where there might be more eligible men? I live near a big city so I do have to say that at least when I look on OLD, there are plenty of single men in my area--it's just wading through them all to find someone I would like that's intimidating.

Life often throws us curveballs.

I am sorry you feel dispondent....but want to tell you that you should not lose hope!

I am 42.  I've had two bf's in the last three years. One at 38 and the one I have now, at 41.  I want to stay with this last one...just showing you that getting a bf at our age is more than possible and it happens often.

I imagine living where you live makes it harder. I live in a metropolitian coastal area where it's very OK to be single...even if you are much older.  I mean, I am sure there are some who are judgemental...but in my crowd, they generally are not. 

Is it possible to move?

If not, set an example!  Be a wonderful, vivacious, LOVING, friendly, HAPPY single woman who is 40!  Trancend the cultural ideas/impressions and be a pioneer!  We need more strong, happy, fun single women as examples to show others that they, too, can be happy!  Don't feel guilty, don't feel shame, don't feel anything like that.  Just say "I love and accept myself, and am a happy joyful loving single 40 year old woman"!!!

I would just like to take the opportunity to encourage you and let you know that i too at 42, almost 43 is single. i will be 43 on November 29. i too was involved with a man who is afraid of commitment. i broke off the relationship about a year ago, cause all he wanted was sex. it was like a part time relationship, as someone else said. he only showed up when he wanted sex. when certain critical issues were to be dealt with, i had to call my good male friend, who is MARRIED to help me. i ended the relationship with him after nine months as he was not ready. he wants to achieve financially before getting married. i can't bother with that. achieving financially is important but he doesn't seem like he is ready to get married for now. i left him.

keep busy and try and make a lot of friends. you can try online dating. i am slowly getting into that AGAIN. didn't work the first time. i have friends, a fair amount i would say. also get involved in your alumni association. i am making an attempt to get involved with my two alumni associations at the schools i went to.get involved with yours.that way maybe we all can meet eligible men. i will keep in touch with you guys to see how you are all doing.