The Single Life

Hi Everyone,

I know this question has been posted a million times on this board but I guess I'm looking for some practical advice about how to really make it as a single person.

There are a few things that are going on in my life.  I just moved to a new area about 6 months ago.  I was seeing/friends with a married guy (just hanging out, absolutely no sexual contact) but although we got along great, I ended it because I felt it was immoral and wrong.

So I've been hanging around the local pub a bit.  I have been single for a long time and have no problem grabbing the paper, etc. and going in to sit and have a couple of drinks after work.  Most of the guys are nice (very few women in the pub, other than the wait staff) and the wait staff are nice as well.  You can chat to them a bit but of course, they are always busy.

I went in there tonight and just felt like a loser.  Some nights are okay - there are people I recognize and we have a chat about whatever.  I guess there are two guys that hang out there and one of them I recognized from my university days (I was in a sorority and he was in a fraternity).  I happened to ask him last night if he was in a certain fraternity - I told him my sorority and we talked a bit about those days (I don't think he remembered - but we went to a semi-formal together - just as friends).

Anyhow, I saw him tonight with his buddy down the bar and I said - "Hey Sigma guy!!" jokingly.  I was obviously not hitting on him last night - it was just one of those - "hey - I remember you - remember then?" kinds of conversations and he said that he was now married with twins, which I congratulated him on.  In no way was I hitting on him (I think that was obvious - it was just friendly) but tonight when I said the line "Hi Sigma guy", him and his friend looked at me (like one of those Seinfeld moments) like "Hi Psycho girl!!"

I left shortly thereafter.  I've tried online dating, etc.  but now my credit cards are pretty maxed out so I don't want to go down that road..........I go to singles dances a lot.  I met a guy there (we'd seen eachother a few times) but he lives about 50 miles away.  We talked on the phone a couple of days ago (I was a bit loose lipped - I had been to the pub earlier) and I told him a band was playing tomorrow night close by.  He said he'd let me know if he was going to be in the area but I still haven't heard from him.

I have one good friend from work but she is married with kids (and is having an affair), so there's not much chance there of hooking up outside of work.  All of my friends (or former friends) on Facebook are all married.......I can't believe it.

Lastly, my dog has been sick and now this week-end I am supposed to take her in for blood work because she is on anti-inflammatories (altogether about $200).  I talked to one of our VPs at work about this situation (he and his wife are dog people) and he told me just to go to the drug store and find a (cheap) generic equivalent.  I am tempted to do that.......I love my dog to death but I have spent so much $$ on her lately (e.g. $2k-$3k) that I would love to just have the $$ to treat myself.......(I know - that sounds bad - she should come first).

Also, work is very stressful and my boss is a major b*tch so I just feel like having a couple of drinks after work and that's it.  Unfortunately on the week-ends I have all this anxiety about what I should be doing (my mom gets on my case about not going out enough)........

Anyhow........lol........if you made it this far, I appreciate it.  I'm not trying to lay out a sob story but I would appreciate any tips you may have with respect to making the single life work for you.  I tried the meet up thing.......it was okay once but then they made it "mandatory" to sign up and pay $150.  The things they do are just out of my social league financially (shopping trips, etc.).

I know someone on here mentioned a "gratitude" journal and I've been thinking about that a lot - focusing on what I DO have, etc.  Is there anything else any of you recommend to help make it through this lifestyle?

Much appreciated.......however said.

Mel

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your puppy dog! I'm an animal lover myself so I can understand. Vet trips can be expensive & I remember when my golden retriever was still alive, I was taking him once a month for ear cancer treatments & shots to help w/his arthritis on top of getting his arthritis meds. It added up but he was my furbaby & I was willing to pay whatever. So I can empathize w/you.

I know you mentioned just the one group at meetup. Have you tried going back to the meetup.com website to see if there are other meet up groups in your area? It's possible there may be a new group that may be of interest to you.

And as far as work, are you able to take any time off from work and just have "me" time? I think a lot of us are burnt out from work, goodness knows I am myself. Granted it's a blessing to have a job & a paycheck right now as hard times as are. If you have enough time built up at work, take a few days off to just relax & take it easy. You need a "mental" vacation every now & then to refuel & recharge the batteries.

It's ok to come here & let it all out. You're not whining at all. You don't want to keep it all bottled up inside you.

Co-CL for The Single Life     

I read the whole thing :)

I can totally empathize with you. I am single, my ex-fiance and his girlfriend are expecting a baby...on my birthday. My mom is mad at me because I told her that in time I will speak to him again. My married friend is, too having an affair, in fact with 4 different men (see my post about her being married and having more men than me). None of my friends listen to me. I spend a good deal of time listening to them and I don't do it for something in return but I feel like I'm an extremely low maintenance friend so the one time that I do need a shoulder to cry on they can shut their pie holes for one hour and come to my pity party. The only men who want to date me are really young really old have crazy mothers, are internet preditors or have (literally) brain damage. My friend start laughing at me the other day when I told her about a guy who contacted me from high school on facebook and told me back in hs he had the biggest crush on me ever. He was in a car crash and was in a coma for over a month and almost died. My brother, who knows him said he's a nice guy he means well, he just is brain damaged and has no filter. Its not a laughing matter but really none of my dating history is rolling off my back.  And at this particular time it was very embarrassing and painful to have my friend laugh at me and make fun of the guys who've liked me. My friends have no filters either but they don't have the luxury of a trauma excuse. 'Anyway all those friends live far away anyway I don't have friends close to me. I have a few acquaintences and some people who I'll go out with occasionally.  One in particular who's been very good to me through this ordeal.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel like there was a boat to my happy life and everyone got on and somehow I missed it and its slowly sailing away and i'm standing on the dock trying desparately get on before it gets too far away and everyone I know is there and I'm all alone on the dock with no where to turn. I wonder when its my turn?  I'm a good person. I know i am. I live a good life. I'm thoughtful and forgiving. I'm intelligent and fun. I'm attractive and have a good heart. I'm polite to others, I am a really good listener.  All these things and I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what it is. I read all these advice articles and they all say things like I'm right where I'm supposed to be and once I am "ready" it will happen. But I don't feel like other people in the world have had to do this much work to get into a relationship. And then I go down the "what's wrong with me" road. i'm sure you know it, the dark twisty road with dead trees like clawed hands and no end. I think it has to be me because everyone I know always says "you're so pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend" I say "it must have more to do than just looks". But I've never had boyfriends. I've only had one real boyfriend. So who's the common denominator here?  Me..so it must be something I do right? I am trying like mad to figure out what it is so I can just fix it and move on.

Sorry to hijack your post, I have a lot of feelings right now, I've been crying for 2 days.

I started the gratitude journal and it became like a bad homework assignment and I found myself putting down things just to get it over with for the night. Its not that i'm not grateful for anything i completely am thankful for all that I have but it wasn't doing for me what I thought it should be doing.

I can't answer your question obviously but i will be checking back to see what others say. I would love to know what the secret is to being a content single.

I get what you're saying.  I have thought about going to have a drink alone before at a place where I know a few people, but I really don't like getting hit on and I know that'll happen if I go alone.  I do have a couple of people who I can call and will hang out, but I feel like I'm begging sometimes.  One is married, and I know she likes having time out (her husband has his nights out too- we've talked about that), but has obligations.  The other is a single guy and my fear is that if I'm always asking him to hang out, he'll think I'm interested and I'm not.  But I do like him as a friend (he has lots of female friends..that kinda guy).  

My friends have made comments to me like "you look so sad" but none of them seem to even care why.  They just tell me to cheer up and move on.  Gee, thanks...like that helps!

I think you just got yourself in a bit of a rut for a while.  That idiot that snubbed you just elevated those feelings.  I hate when someone does that to me.  Don't take what he did personally.  Remember, they have a problem, not you.

As far as the girlfriend having an affair.  I would hate to be in that situation.  That's just a disaster waiting to happen.  She may act happy, but how can you possibly ever be comfortable if you are deceiving someone else.

Maybe you can spend sometime job hunting.  It will keep your mind busy and who knows there may be an opportunity out there just for you.  If not, at least it will make you feel better that you do have a job because there is nothing else out there right now.

Why not try another pub?  A change of scene for a while never hurts.  I know I go different places.  I've joined a few local clubs and try different restaurants.

Being single isn't always easy but it does have it's perks.  I enjoy it more than not.  It would be nice to be in a relationship but trying to find one with sparks is hard.   I try to make plans for myself a few days out of the week.  I have things to do in my home.  I have a jigsaw table set up and keep a few projects handy just in case I get in the mood.  Introduce yourself to more women.  You would be surprised how many there are out there that feel the same way you do.