Hi - I am reposting to this group..since you all have been there and maybe I am just looking for some support or encouragement..
thanks so much ..so here goes my story..
When it came to actually signing the lease, I froze up..these are things that deterred me.. #1 DD still wants to visit him at the house, I'm scared he will manipulate her into staying more, and I will be out by myself in a tiny apartment fighting legal bills and getting tangled in a messy divorce. Not being part of her life 24/7 still is a big factor to me.
#2 I work from home 2-3 days a week and take care of the pets..I cant take all of them to the new place and I worried about them.
#3 My work is too stressful and busy right now..and I have just not been able to focus on work and adding that to all the move, I just can't take off the days I would need.
#4 Fear of unknown of leaving without an agreement. Some lawyers I spoke to actually say have all support/custody arrangements etc laid out before moving. Else teenager decides to spend more time in her familiar house and soon, I will be out in the woods..if you know what I mean..
I dont know if the above 4 things will ever go away. Maybe I should write all the fear factors and have that plan of action.. So for now, I just suck it up when he complains about house not clean, food not cooked, yells when I start to say anything, keeps us in eggshells. I dont know..I hate myself for not doing anything either! Maybe I just have to go #4..lay it out in paper, so I know what I am getting into before making a move and finding myself in a mess. Lawyer says..go with #4 and if he flips just call police..but we know how that goes..So anyway..I am just leaning to now..waiting it out till the holidays at least..maybe get more strength..save some money..what more.
Practically speaking, listen to the experts on divorce.
Emotionally, only you can decide. What I can say is that if you are taking care of yourself and can detach and in a way not care what he does or say, you can survive until the practical stuff is done. I hate to put out there like this, but if you mentally checked out of the M, and really don't care anymore, you really can almost be happy in a wierd way. Kind of like someone in Alanon living with an alcoholic. You learn what is yours, and what isn't, you can do it at least to survive and even be OK.
Like if a roomate said or did something, it would be much easier to just say "whatever" and go just keep living your life. Does that make sense??? It is sort of a place of indifference.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. There is a point where your sanity and safety does take precidence, so listen to your attorney but also follow your gut.
It's ok if you're not ready to leave at this moment. You could decide later. Right before the holidays is a difficult time to disrupt everybody's lives and if you are very busy at work right now but later you think you will be less busy, you could wait til later. If you're not being abused & you can stand it, it probably is better to figure out what the terms of the divorce are before anyone moves. I do know that the time between when I told my 2nd DH that I wanted a divorce & the time he actually moved out 4 mos. later was extremely stressful cause I just couldn't wait for him to be out but we had a lot of legal stuff & refinancing the house to get through before he could actually move.
How many kids do you have & how old is your oldest? You will get used to not having the kids all the time. By the time they are teenagers they are starting to break away anyway and soon she will be old enough to go to college and then she might be gone away, so it's good if you can start to get used to having her gone part of the time.
And hey, when he starts to complain about the food not being cooked you can point to where the kitchen is. Same w/ the cleaning. If you work a f.t. job, then why are you the maid? Or if you really want to you could point out to him that his constant yelling & complaining is why you are getting a divorce, so his continuing this behavior certainly isn't endearing you to him. But only do this if you want to & it won't get him more upset, otherwise, just ignore him as much as possible.
Serenity, I tried to check out and live like room-mates but it isnt always easy..H is very verbally abusive and starts to yell and scream for anything that "I did not do right". I guess I have just lost that self-confidence and self-esteem and staying in this M has made me more fearful of the unknown. Maybe I have that battered w syndrom..who knows..I am trying to figure it out myself. But again, if I couldnt do it, I couldn't so I just need strength for next time.. Musiclover, Thanks for your insight. I have only one dd who is 13..you are right, at this age, they dont really want to do anything with any parent. But lately, she has been tired of H's controlling behavior and disciplining style so she is on board with me. I thought about going the usual route..of staying together until a temporary agreement in place. But as I am writing this, I just feel that is not going to be possible. H has major anger issues, he intimidates by body language, and I am just too non-confrontational. He has banged furniture around, broken things here and there..so yes, there is somewhat of a domestic violence here too. Maybe I am minimizing it..but basically if I stay out of his way, dont question him, things are sort of ok. But again, many will say why stay in this M. Guess just not being strong enough to deal with all the stuff that comes with divorce, and I know I need to get more independent. But I am very involved with DD and her afterschool stuff, homework..and it is hard to let go of that. Other option is to wait until she is in college. But lately, he has been logging heads with dd too..so much that she has started to avoid him too..So I was making my plans. And now I backed out last minute..the day that I was supposed to sign the lease.
As I am thinking..maybe I could just go to a temporary suite hotel and see. If he then offers to walk out of the house, i will walk in and deal with things..but again..why be in a house when I would be afraid he might get in anytime..
I dont know..i am very confused. What I was afraid of is if I get out and DD after a week, says she wants to just go back home, and stay with him, the case will tilt towards him. But maybe I really should not fear that. He doesnt have patience to deal with her.
About telling him why I should be the maid, he will go into a big tirade of what he does (lately it hasnt been much)..or he will just say if I cant have time to be a mom and provide food, I shouldn't. Basically he is somebody I just can't question..he starts to yell and shout at me and gets verbally abusive.
I know I am rambling here..again..thanks so much for both your replies.
He's keeping you where he wants you.....somewhere between sane and insane. That's a tough place to be. It only gets worse as it goes on. Make a plan, whether it be a one year or five year and it will help keep you focused until you make a decision of what you really want to do. The more he doesn't get what he wants, the more things will escalate. Make sure you have a good attorney lined up as well as a solid counselor to help you through this.
Love 
