Surviving Divorce & Separation

I think I've discovered why my stbx wants to move forward with mediation.  I received a call from a bank where we don't have an account, looking for stbx.  I took the name and number and asked what the call was concerning and was told she could only talk to the peson whose name is on the account.  I guess that means my stbx has an account there.  I'll be meeting with my lawyer soon and this just adds more fuel to the fire.   We specifically signed papers stating we'd not make any financial changes until after mediation is settled.  I gues those rules didn't apply to stbx. 

This info led me down a dark path.  My stbx is/was verbally abusive.  It took me a year to finally identify that.  I knew my asking for a separation would lead to more and more intense verbal abuse.  I was ready for that.  What I didn't think was that my stbx would try to take money from our family.  He isn't much of a father but he does profess to love our kids.  I can't imagine why he'd want to hurt them financially just to hurt me--but apparently, he does. 

This started me searching for more information on our financial situation.  This led me to ANOTHER account.  I did find a statement that listed me as a joint owner of the account.  I realized it was the educational fund my stbx's step-Dad had opened for our kids.  A later statment, though, lists only stbx on it and doesn't list it as a trust fund.  That has me worried he's forged my signature and took, or plans to take, the money that belongs to our kids.  I'll be talking to the lawyer sooner than later about that one too!

All this underhanded stuff has me rethinking issues we had a decade ago where I was concerned about things I found on his computer and receipts I found as well.  Stbx denied everything and made it seem the real problem was that I was crazy--not that he was unfaithful.  Yeah, right.

The good news in all of this is that, although I had realized you can't have an amicable divorce when only one person is amicable, I was still doing things for stbx.  He would yell at one of the kids and I'd e-mail how the child took it and help him smooth it over.  He'd say he was coming for the kids then not, THEN blame me for not telling him I had agreed with the plan so it was all MY fault and I took it.  Deep down, I was worried that, although a royal jack a$$, he was feeling so awful about the split, I should help him because he's the father to my kids.  I don't feel like that anymore.  I don't feel worried when I see an e-mail pop up from him.  I don't worry when his name shows up on the phone.  I don't worry when he picks one of the kids up for sports and I might see him.  I just don't care anymore.  He can no longer make me feel badly because he feels badly!  He contributed to the end of this marriage and continues to make it tougher than it needs to be.  I am so over him and his drama that I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

For that freedom, I thank him for continuing to be a jack a$$ as long as it took me to not feel sorry for him.  He can just go away now.  I'm done.

Lee

Oh beingme!  you go girl!  you have the right positive attitude!  Good for you.

I can't wait till I feel that way, I am always feeling sorry for him.  He has a way of making me feel all the guilt.  He tells me its all my fault things are the way they are, but yet I am wife #3, I always say.....Hey if you were so great why did the other 2 dump you.  I just believed all your lies in the beginning.   I, as you DID feel sorry for him, right now even when he is crying about how he wont have anything left to live on after we divorce, the man makes $90k a year has $180 in a gun collection/that was in our saving and he spent has 25 ac of property and a rental house.  Wants me to settle for non contested for the house we live in ($250K) that is about to be fourclosed on because he refused to pay the mortgage since April, because i took the tax return in 10 years for myself.  He wants me to have the 2002 chevy tahoe with a broken transmission, and some furniture.  I forgot to mention he has a pension he said he wont give up either.  We have 2 kids under 5.  He is a bully and a Abuser.  The best one yet!  He wants Joint custody.  The man has NEVER...DID I SAY NEVER left the house alone with the children NEVER!  He will only keep them if I have a specific time I can tell him I will be home.

Why do I feel sorry for him still?  He is trying to tell me the he will eat me alive in court if I don't settle and do non-contested.  He does scare me, but I think I will take my chances. 

Good luck to you, and I hope you rub off on me some!

Oh, I understand the fear and anxiety!  I wish I had some magical formula to get you past this, but I don't.  I spent far too many years feeling exactly the way you do.  Stbx blamed everything on me and if I just changed, he'd be happy.  I believed him--I took it and told no one.  I turned myself inside out trying to do what he indicated he needed and I was always still wrong.  I really felt like I was the problem in our marriage until one day, a year ago.  I had been taking care of stbx for a year with multiple surgeries, bone infections, more surgeries and him being wheelchair bound and at home for most of that time.  During all of this I was homeschooling our kids, working as a RN in an ICU and taking 2 University courses.  I was so over-extended complete strangers worried about me!  Stbx took my care for granted, never even thanked me and the week before he was to return to work, he gave me a long list of my short comings as a wife, mother and human being in general.  During his tirade, I had an epiphany and realized I didn't have to take this.  I didn't have to take any of his crap--I could do all of this on my own.  I'd been taking care of my family AND an invalid for a year so, of course, I could take care of everyone when the invald was gone ;-)  That was the beginning of the end.  Once I had that moment I knew what I had to do.  I spent the next 10 months sorting thing out then the big break up came.  That's another story ;-)  Suffice to say, I'm still working through all of this but am feeling good about my choice and know that my kids will be okay.

Someone here recommended a book that has helped a lot.  It's called, "Why Does He Do That?--Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.  It is filled with information you'll find helpful and explain to you how he's been able to make you feel so guilty and at fault all these years.

Keep us posted.

HTH

Lee

Thank you for your post, I was reading this thread and it was very interesting because my h also sent me several emails detailing all my shortcomings in every area of my life as well.  I also read the Lundy Bancroft book and it was excellent.  I just posted that my h, now that I am wanting divorce, suddenly has backed off and doesn't want a divorce, he loves me, etc., etc.  Very hard to deal with, lots of guilt. 

d4s