said oh, now I don't want a divorce. Despite having been threatening me with divorce for months and months and saying he would take the kids. Now as soon as I said ok I want a divorce, he wants to "work on things" and doesn't want a divorce. WTF? I am perplexed. Was he playing a game the whole time, trying to torture me? I told him he can't expect to treat me like this and then expect me to turn around. It's too late, I don't love him any more, I don't feel any emotional attachment to him. He is nice in many ways and a good father. But now I feel like I am a meanie because he is practically begging me to "work on things" - which by the way we had been working on things for a long long time to no avail. He got angrier and more manipulative and nasty. Now he wants to know what he can do to change things. I said nothing, I have known him for a long long time and it's not that he can change something and it'll be magically better. It's his whole personality and the things he's done to me.
It is hard to stand my ground because in addition to this, I really don't think I can stand to not see my children every day. I don't know if I can cope with that. Is it worth being in a loveless relationship with a controlling manipulative person, to be with my kids every day?
I know I am the one that has to make this decision (and I have) but I guess I am looking for support or to see if any one else has had this experience.
Believe me, you will get used to not being w/ your kids every day, in fact, in time, you will look forward to those days when he has your kids. As long as he is a good father, as you said, you will know the kids are being taken care of when they are w/ him. My younger child, DS is 14 now & my ex & I got div when he was 1. At first I felt kind of guilty when he would take the kids for the weekend (which was really only Sat-Sun since he worked overnight on Fri and then had to sleep a little), which didn't happen for the 1st couple of years cause he didn't have a place to take them. Now it's like--when do I get a break? Seriously, I get along well w/ DS and we do things together, but sometimes I need the break to do some adult activities and I would rather have him w/ his dad than leave him home alone. Eventually those kids are going to grow up & move away from home anyway. It's not really worth it to put up w/ years of an unhappy marriage.
It's funny how that happens so often that one person will say "I want a divorce" then when you actually take them up on it, they change their minds. So it was really a power or control play. When my 2nd ex & I had arguments, he would always say "I am going to go to a lawyer tomorrow and ask about a divorce" Of course, after the 1st few times he said that, I didn't take him seriously anyway, but then I would start saying "go right ahead" because by that time, I wanted him out. But I was the one who ended up really pushing it. I had already decided to get a divorce and was waiting to tell him, but he was mad at my DD for something dumb and he started an argument and then said "maybe I should move out", so then I said, "Yes, I think you should." He was kind of shocked.
maybe for him, the divorce was more of a fantasy. Now, you've made it into a reality and that's much scarier. That's sort of what it was like for me. I really did want a divorce. But I fantasized about divorce and how nice life would be without him, and I fantasized about it for almost 4 years! When he filed, I got really pissed. Partially, I was pissed because he was wrecking my fantasy, mostly because he did this while swearing that he wanted to work on the marriage and blamed me exclusively for the divorce.
But, we got through the divorce with few problems and things are ok now. It's not as great as I fantasized about, because he's still around and still bugs me. I'm still not in love with him any more, but he seems to think if he shows an interest in my life, I'll suddenly fall in love with him again.....
No, it's not worth staying in a loveless marriage just to be with your kids every day. It's just not worth it, and what will that teach them about marriage and the husband/wife relationship? Do you want your kids to stay in a loveless marriage because that is all they know?
If he really wants to work on it, maybe there is hope. Get in counseling, get some talking going. Agree to a specific period of time to see enough improvement to be comfortable with staying. Lots of people file and then reconcile. I think if you leave now, you won't feel like you did everything you could do. He wants to know what he can change, and you feel sure he can't change what bugs you. But it might be worth the time to explore that, too.
"Is it worth being in a loveless relationship with a controlling manipulative person, to be with my kids every day?"
No.
You've described a history of controlling behaviour and, yes, being nice then nasty is a manipulative action to keep you off balance. His words that he wants to try to work on your marriage again can certainly be more manipulation. I don't know your h but it was certainly true in my case. My stbx blames our pending divorce on me not being willing to "try again". He misses the 20 years I spent asking him to meet my needs and he refused.
Even your own mental well-being aside, raising kids in this kind of situation is asking for trouble. What will your kids learn about relationships? What about how you treat your spouse in a loving relationship? I say this because my oldest son is 16yo and he's struggling with being angry and cutting towards his siblings--he has become a carbon copy of his Dad. I feel like I waited too long to leave and now ds16 has a rockier road than need be, to get to a mentally healthy place. He is in counselling and I do discuss his explosions with him. The poor kid doesn't even know he does this because it's what he's learned! There is a lot of "undoing" to be done with him. My ds13 and dd9 don't have any of these issues and I can only guess it has to do with them not identifying with their Dad much, yet.
You have to do what you think is best. If you want to give counselling a try then do it. I do know, though, that controlling men will say whatever it takes to get you where he wants to, then goes back to his old ways. If you choose to try counselling, make sure you have individual as well as couple counselling. You need a safe place to sort out how you feel about your h's actions.
We have been in counseling. He rejected several counselors over several years, and the one we see now, we will continue seeing to help us work through this as amicably as possible.
Love 
