Surviving Divorce & Separation

I've been considering divorce off and on for two years now. The only thing keeping me going is hope for change, not usually happiness from the marriage. I haven't worked on my marriage as hard as I'd like, because of other issues in my life requiring lots of attention as well...but i have tried a number of things.

I'm really afraid this indecision could go on forever. I read a wonderful book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and there were three major indicators saying that I should leave. However, I also read another great book called Divorce Busting which makes it sound like you can work through anything....argh I need more than books right now.

Without going into my own marital problems, I'm curious what made the light come on for some of you who made the final decision to leave, and is there anything you wish you had done sooner to help come to your decision faster?

Thanks!

It took me quite a few months of therapy to finally come to a final decision to leave, although I had thought about it on & off basically since the 1st yr of marriage (we were married 5 yrs). One time, the T said to me, well, give your DH the opportunity to change something that bothers you. So I came home & told him, among other things, that I was tired of him being so negative and complaining about everything. Instead of listening to me and trying to improve, he just told me how he wasn't really negative at all. Then I figured that things were never going to change and I was just sick of being unhappy. My best friend also had a talk w/ me and one day she just said "do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?" I realized that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be w/ my ex.

I also read that book and most of the chapters in there pointed to leaving. I remember the part about telling your Dh what the problems are, giving him a time period to change, then asking is he willing to change and is he able to change? The thing is that I think my ex is just not able to change, even if he would say that he's willing. First of all, many of his problems are caused by his bipolar disorder, which he will always have, even if it could be under control, it is never completely cured. And even when it's under control, his basic personality just doesn't mesh w/ mine--he is someone who is always going to be negative and I'm just the opposite. I'm generally happy and not worrying and being w/ someone like him, just brought me down. Even my mother said to me that after I married him, she felt like my personality totally changed.

"How did you finally decide to leave?" When I realized that i was no longer being me and was becoming a very negative person.I didnt want to lose myself at all.My kids were begining to get its effect as well.I am short of time now but if you dont have kids,leave now without a thought.
I left my first marriage after being married for just 6 months but now realize i should have done it within the first month when i saw the red flags but chose to ignore.
more later.

Like heissick, I became somone I didn't recognize and did some things of which I am ashamed and were very out of character.

I did try to fix our ailing M thru MC on 4 different occasions.  The first time was around our first anniversary and the last time was 4 years before I finally had enough.  The thing is, no M will succeed unless both people are willing to work on it.  It's called a partnership for a reason.  Like Music, my XH was never willing to put in the effort or the time because in his world - he was perfect. 

I'm not familiar with the Divorce Busting book and it may have some excellent suggestions.  However, if your H isn't on board with working on M, you will be destined to fail. 

Good luck,

D