family issues

citylife74

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family issues

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16075.1

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citylife74

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Nov-1 9:23 pm

Hi all. As some of you know already, relationships between the sibiling in my SO's family are very strained. He is currently out of contact with two of his sisters. One of the feuds is long standing and she appears unstable to me emotionally with all of the family - the other is with his sister B who ended up having a baby with someone who physically attacked SYB a year plus ago. They are still together and living in another state. They had broken off contact with everyone after the physical altercation where SYB was attacked and had to endure watching his own sister smile watching. I have never forgotten that night and neither has he. there were numerous names pointed at me that evening and shockingly even to my DS who thankfully wasnt there at the time. Their baby was born earlier this year and I think there was some hope this would magically mend fences but SYB feels as if there should be an open dialogue and apology first so that we can move past things gradually. B is unwilling to issue an apology and has takena stance that she will protect her family as he is protecting his. Through all of this, I realize whatever was said to me and about my son was a play to hurt SYB but I admit it has flavored how I feel about B. Her bf is an alcoholic abusive bigot but he has always been that way so this was no surprise. B was quite charming and wonderful in the beginning and I guess I thought we would be friends but then when she linked up with the bf, I saw a different side certainly.
Although we have successfully kept our distance, there are still days where SYB is upset about it all and wonders how it is that with both parents deceased, his siblings cant bond and love one another. He wants to reconnect but he also feels hurt and angry and isnt prepared to just move on and forget that night ever happened. Apparently there is a history of B getting involved with men and then ditching family alliances, alienating people, and then coming back hoping all is forgiven after time has passed. I dont know any details other than that but the fact that this isnt the first time bothers SYB and he doubts she has changed.
The sister SYB does get along with, J, lives in town and we see her regularly. After almost three years of us dating/living together, this sister has attended some concerts, gotten to know my son and has even attended my amnio. She has been wonderful and I think in some ways, maybe she was reluctant before because of our age difference or maybe doubts placed by B. It was puzzling to me for sure to see her at a distance for so long but I am who I am so I figured we would stand the test of time and she would eventually get to know me as I am. This seems to have happened.
Within the last few months, she has reconnected and reconciled with B, having had no contact with her like SYB for over a year. I think in this case, the baby DID help and they have found a way to move on. She has counseled SYB to try and do the same and he refuses without an apology. I have told SYB to do as his heart tells him and to know that I trust in whatever decision he makes - I dont need him to protect me or DS and yet he insists he is not ready to reconcile.
We announced the pregnancy to the family after the amnio. His family is everywhere from UK to SWeden and then also in the US on both coasts so it was a mass email to everyone and this is how we announced our engagement as well. B and the other sister were included on the email. SYB received responses from everyone but them and is more and more bothered/hurt. Meanwhile his sister in town is quite harsh with him lately to get past all of this and we are left feeling a bit bruised that neither sister could even utter a congratulations. Last night when we saw her she said SYB would be getting an invite to a family reunion in the area where B and her bf live with them attending with the baby and a few other family members. She wants him to go. I dont know how I fit into all of this. It is in December. I feel as if I should stay here but will go if he really wants me there. I am not chicken to go but just feel like going near B's bf is a generally very bad idea. There has been no discussion or apology for their behavior that other night long ago and so it is kind of hard to feel comfortable just breaking bread with them especially given what was said about DS.
I feel torn because I dont get the sense he wants to go but I know he is feeling pushed. It is likely that his sister here in town will ask me about this at some point. She has not yet asked me anything about why SYB hasnt agreed to a reconciliation but I feel it is brewing and that I will need to be prepared. I think B and her bf believe I am keeping him from moving past this even though I have encouraged him to do whatever he needs to to be happy with his sisters. She mentions both B and the baby and the bf in conversations here all the time and I participate in the banter and never react negatively. I know that wouldnt be helpful and I am not looking for stress.
Does anyone have any advice as to how I can help him deal with this mess? I am worried about adding more stress to our lives at this stage in the pregnancy and obviously want to support him. I know that his family reunited would bring peace to his heart but I also know it could backfire and then it could lead to more mayhem where I could not avoid being in the middle. What would you do in this situation? I try not to bring it up with him unless he mentions it so far but it would help to get some feedback from someone other than my Dad who just tells me emphatically to distance myself from the craziness and let him handle it. It is just hard to see him hurting.
Sorry this is so long.

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lg-ri

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16075.2 in response to 16075.1

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lg-ri

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citylife74

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Nov-1 9:37 pm

It sucks to see someone you love hurting :(

I think you are handling it fine. Its ultimately SYB's decision, as its his family, & only he really knows the history & what it feels like to have these issues with his sibs. As far as how you answer any questions about it, I would just say what you said here "I told SYB this is completely his decision, & I will stand by him 100%, no matter what he decides". Period. & I would refuse any more talk about it with them, AT ALL. B/c really, it kind of sounds as if no matter what you do or say, its going to be misconstrued anyway.

As for the sisters not acknowledging the email about your baby - THAT would burn me for a LONG time. HE extended the olive branch by including them in that email. Its now really THEIR turn. I hold grudges. I admit it. So although it may be easier & best to extend it one more time, to keep the peace, Im honestly not sure *I* could do it.

I wish i had an answer for you! (((hugs)))

http://kibombf.shutterfly.com/

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citylife74

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16075.3 in response to 16075.2

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citylife74

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lg-ri

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Nov-1 10:08 pm

Thanks for replying. I appreciate your opinion and it actually made me feel better because I agree with it. I DO think that whatever I say to any of the sisters will be misconstrued - I even feel that when J mentions B or the baby or the bf she watches my reaction so even though I feel closer to her lately I wonder whether she is kind of feeling me out. I noticed she brought up stories about their family growing up with B in them whenever SYB left the room and us to ourselves yesterday. She even said something about remembering a time when the bf came home and passed out drunk in the basement and Monty found him and went to get their help ( I was out of town and they were dogsitting) I didnt respond to anything related to the bf and just responded "that's my boy" I know she doesnt like the bf either but I dont feel like we can freely talk about it him now that she is reconciled with B out of respect I guess. I have tried to just stay out of it but I get this nagging feeling I am about to get put back in, you know?
And yes the lack of response over the baby coming DOES bother me. I know either of our mothers would be elated and I am sure those girls know this too. My family is overjoyed and J seems to be too but the other two sisters are just choosing to ignore. Funny because just tonight I told Syb that I wanted him to know that I knew it was super hard for him to open that door to them by sending them that email announcement and that I thought it was a perfect opening for them to just walk through. I was surprised they didnt just do it. A simple congrats and then pressing send would have worked wonders but they would rather hurt him. I guess I think if they were really ready to reconcile for the right reasons as J suggests, they would take that opportunity but as you say, I dont know the full history. that was the other thing in your post that resonated with me. I also told him today when we talked that whatever he decided about the reunion was fine by me and that whether I agreed with it or not I would know it was the right decision and stand corrected because he knows their history. I cant possibly come in after three years and totally get all of that - it would be the same if my brother and I were in a feud and SYB thought he had all the answers. There would be times where he might have some great insight but in the end, I might know best just because I know my brother and the history of our childhood and relationship; I totally get that and this is why I trust his judgement on this.
I truly hope though that he doesnt ask me to go to the reunion because it will make me nervous to go even if he says it will be fine.

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cl-alison

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16075.4 in response to 16075.3

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cl-alison

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citylife74

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Nov-1 11:45 pm

Hugs sweetie.

I know you want to rush in and make things better, and that you hate seeing SYB in pain- but it's his family and he has to make it work. If they're (the two sisters) choosing to keep the rift going, then they're going to... and since they seem to enjoy the drama of it in their lives, it's not likely that they're going to change.

As you know, my brother reached out after 15 yrs to reconnect. It took me a few days to work through the pain of our history together and decide that I could chose to be happy rather than right. Doesn't erase the history, and I will take things slow, but I'd rather have him in my life than stay upset.

My point is that if SYB is waiting for an apology for their past behaviour, he may never get one. Better to just release them from any expectations and move forward: expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised when you receive something.

As for what do YOU say? "I stand behind SYB's decision, whatever he feels is best."

Go to the reunion, smile, keep your mouth shut and be support for SYB.

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i_need_a_tiara

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16075.5 in response to 16075.1

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i_need_a_tiara

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citylife74

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Nov-2 8:28 pm

Hugs and hugs and hugs. I am so glad I have a good relationship with my sisters...I can see from this story and Al's how much stress it causes when it's so strained.

I think R's advice was good...for your part you just need to stand by him whatever he deicides. If he asks your advice give him your honest opinion. Be a sounding board for him and if J wants to know what is going on with him then she needs to ask SYB and not you.

I do think if he decides to go to the reunion that you should offer to go and stand united with him. You said something like you didn't know where you fit but you are a family...his family and the mother of his child...you fit EVERYWHERE!!!!

JH

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

George Bernard Shaw

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