Hey cool mamas! I’m hoping you ladies can perhaps give me some new insight. I’m 29yo, divorced, and the closest thing I have to a kid is my Boxer dog. J But that doesn’t mean I don’t love kids! I’ve always had a gift w/ kids. We seem to get along well. I was a highly demanded babysitter as a teenager and have been seeing a guy w/ 3 kids for about 3 years. Kids are D16, 12S, 11D. They are all from his previous marriage and we get along famously. They are often commenting on what a cool step-mom I’d make. There are reasons why their dad and I aren’t to the marriage place yet. There are 2 issues I wanted to ask about:
1) Last year, the kids mom moved out of state with her new husband and their child, so the kids have school years w/ dad, and summers w/ mom. I expected there to be an adjustment period, but it feels like I suddenly only exist as a substitute mom. Just about everything we do is as a family. Don’t get me wrong – the kids are great and family time is fun, but we are still “dating” and it’s hard to work on any relationship issue when the kids are always around – and when they aren’t he’s usually exhausted, so I don’t want to add to his burdens by bringing up an issue. (I mean, I don’t want to deal with issues when I’m exhausted either.) Many ‘dates’ include me going over to his place for dinner with the family, tucking the kids in, then watching a DVD for an hour and leaving. Often, during that hour dvd, he is passing out. Getting him to ask me out on a date during normal hours (7am-9:30pm) doesn’t happen. If I plan a date, he’ll work on getting a sitter, but I do all of the effort. It often feels like I have a stronger bond w/ the kids than I do w/ him. I would like a date I can look forward to, that I don’t have to plan, where we can focus on (and enjoy) being a couple, just like I focus on (and enjoy) being a family when all of us are together. Am I being selfish? I never want him to choose between me and the kids, but the kids are doing very well in school and are well behaved and all that, so I’m not sure why the idea of planning to spend a dinner or an afternoon with me seems so out of the question (or isn’t on his mind). I recently offered for him to come over and cook dinner w/ me, and I’d get him back to his house before the kids bed time, but the most commitment I could get is a “maybe”. :-/
2) I think this is a respect/being taken for granted issue. Here’s an example: During October, he works his day job + a haunted house. He asked if I could take the kids out trick or treating, and I didn’t mind one bit. So the kids and I had fun while he did his Haunted House, which ended at 10pm. I figured that, including travel time, he’d be back around 11:30pm tops. I got the kids dinner, went trick or treating, got them to bed, and then I helped out around the house, carved him a pumpkin, roasted the seeds, started a pot of my spiced cider so they’d have it for the morning as a fun fall treat, and folded some laundry that had been laying around since Wednesday. Since he’s been working 2 jobs, I didn’t mind helping out.However, when 11:30 came and went, I texted him trying to nail down a time he planned on being back. It took about a ½ an hour to get it nailed down to around 1am. This was FAR later than I had expected to be out – so I was peeved. He had mentioned before all of this how he was glad that the Haunted House closed at 10pm, so he could get to bed at a decent time for work the next day (which started at 6am). I knew he was working with some friends that would talk and talk and talk, but I felt as though my time wasn’t being respected at all – though I’m glad he trusts me enough to be out that late and know his kids are safe.
I don’t want to be selfish and I’m unsure how to approach these issues w/o coming off as making him choose between his kids and me.
Any thoughts or recommendations on how you’ve dealt with similar things? I respect that single parents have the hardest job in the world, and I don’t want to add to his troubles, but I feel I need to voice these things.
I think it's great that you do so well with his kids and that everyone gets along great. Good for you!!!
If I were you though I would not be doing so much for him. He is indeed taking you for granted and he's not treating you as a girlfriend, but as his helper around the house. Does he have family around such as grandparents or siblings that can help with the kids? Truly, I know that you're his girlfriend and you love the kids, but you are NOT the wife. If he wants you to be his wife then he should marry you. Period.
To prevent yourself from getting resentful and to keep your relationship in an even keel you really need to tell him what you want. Tell him that you want a real date. Let him surprise you with where you'll be going. He really needs to step up and make some effort. You need to back off and take some time away from being a surrogate mom and be the girlfriend!!!
I think you should ask him for a once a month date night that he can dedicate to just you. I don't at all think that is too much to ask or disrespectful of his time with his kids. If you were married and they were your kids I still think that you should have a date night!! It sounds like you are...and enjoy being...a huge help to him and taking on alot...very understanding. It's a big deal that he has these kids basically on his own and you recognize that which is awesome!...does he get any breaks during he school year...any weekends? Plus - isn't the 16 yo old enough to do some light babysitting so you two can get some alone time?
On the 2nd issue I would just tell him how it made you feel. You did him a really big favor that honestly most gf's in your position wouldn't. I am sure he appreciates you...but sometimes we all take each for granted and if it goes un-spoken to for too long it becomes a habit and a big problem.
I don't think your being selfish on either issue...you sound very understanding of his responsibilities and I bet with a nudge he will recognize that and realize that maybe he's been dropping the ball on the ball on making you feel special.
JH
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I guess I understand you single parents have the TOUGHEST job on the planet, and I don't mind helping out at all, but there has to be some balance between "family" and "couple" status. We've discussed marriage often in the past, and I laid out very clearly what needs to happen for me to consider marriage.
His mom lives locally, and he's been really working hard in getting his financial picture together (after a lay off, he's been really unstable financially until recently). But I don't care if the date was a walk and some coffee or ice cream.
How do you folks - as parents - get around that feeling of "I can't plan something because I don't want to have to cancel and let them down if something goes wrong with the kids"? He's expressed in the past that that is why he is hesitant about planning things ahead of time.
Oh - yes, there is an age difference of about 10 years, but that's never really a problem. I'm usually the "home body" and he is usually the "let's get out of the house" type, so it's been a good balance. Not much of a generational gap or anything.
The reason he married his ex was because she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing. Well, it turned out to be the wrong thing, and 3 kids and 4 years later, he got out. I feel very strongly that people deserve to get married for love - and that's exactly what I would want for him - not just because I'm good with the kids, but because HE loves me enough not to want to live w/o me.
He doesn't get any breaks from the kids during the school year, other than occasionally one will be gone for an overnighter w/ a friend. He has a lot of support for us w/ his friends and his mother (who lives close by). So I'm sure getting a sitter really wouldn't be too much of a problem (or coordinating it so they are spending the night w/ a friend).
But getting him to commit to a date ahead of time is like pulling teeth. It works out fine if I buy tickets to something and tell him about it. Then he makes arrangements, but when it comes to generating that on his end, it doesn't really happen.
The teenager recently had a bad babysitting experience where her brother got hurt. (It was a complete accident, but she didn't handle it the way she should have.) So their dad is having her work back to get that privledge, but generally they are really good kids.
Love 
