Single Mothers & Dating

So if you read my previous post, I'm up for a difficult conversation with a single dad I've been dating.  Some insight from people who have "been there done that" would help me out greatly as I figure out how to compose things.

Thanks in advance!

1)It's clear to me that we need to work on our relationship as a couple, as I feel closer to the kids than to him lately. Do you think a significant other could approach you about this w/o you feeling defensive or as if you have to choose between them and your kids?

2) He's often expressed that he is hesitant to plan ahead and set up plans because if something comes up (usually revolving around the kids), he doesn't want to disappoint me by having to back out. Is there something you tell yourself that helps you overcome that? Or do you just make the plans, hope for the best, and if somethings changes deal with it then? Just thought I'd toss some ideas around.

3) What are some other pitfalls you might forsee that could help prepare me? I'm usually very gentle and loving my approach, but I'd like to get this aired (face to face).

- J. Darling


The hands that hold my heart...

Mark had some good advice...you "I" statements.  Be careful to not make him feel attacked or his relationship with his kids attacked.  Be very clear to him that you understand the pressure he's under with this full time responsibility and that if he makes a date with you and has to break it that you will be understanding.  Maybe have some ideas ready on how you want the dates to be...how many a month and how much time you expect...and that some of those dates you expect him to plan and come up with ideas on what to do.  I would stress to him that spending money is not an issue...that an afternoon of frisbe (or whatever) and an ice cream would be even more awesome than a  fancy dinner etc...

I would let him know that you are starting to feel dissconnected from him...and you are trying to be proactive and not let that gap grow further.

Pitfalls...the only pitfall I can see is that he may feel more pressured but I think if you follow Mark's advice and be careful how you word things and keep your tone affectionate and not attacking then he should receive it well.

Thanks! Great point about the disconnect being what it is - and wanting to heal that rather than just let it continue into something that gets more and more resentful. We've fallen into that trap once before so I'm trying to take a different approach this time.

- J. Darling


The hands that hold my heart...

Hi & Welcome. I just read your other post too.

You didnt say how long you have been dating, in case I missed it - but either way, it seems it must be for a while now since you are so ingrained in his family life.

I can absolutely see why you feel like you do. I feel like a witch b/c I feel like Im less forgiving then some of the otehr posters here. You have given more than an inch, & he has taken a mile.

I understand the difficulty with kids, & sitter $, transprotation, etc - but i think he has slipped into a rut as well, of depending on you. Not that its bad, but these arent YOUR kids. You are young & deserve a romantic date once & a while without the responsibility of kids.

I basically would just reiterate to him how fond you are of the kids, how much you DO like spending time with them, but you NEED (& expect) some adult time without them around, at least a couple of times a month. I dont see why that cant be arranged.

Good luck! (oh, & the idea of not booking dates b/c he doesnt want to dissapoint you? I dont buy it. Its a lazy way out)

Welcome to the board.

After 3 yrs of dating, I can see why it's easy to fall into family mode and forget that you're still dating.  Married couples are encouraged to have a date night at LEAST once a month to reconnect with their spouse, ESPECIALLY when they have kids. 

He's forgetting that you are in fact "just" the gf in his life, not the mother of his children, his live in partner or his wife.  It's great that you love the kids and feel happy to spend time with them, but he should not be relying on you as his "backup", he can call his mother to take care of the kids instead.  Your time with the kids should be when he IS there so you're not having to PARENT them until you're actually living with them (married or unmarried). 

How to talk to him?  Tell him you miss him and want some time to reconnect, just the two of you.  Tell him too that when you ask him to make plans, you'd appreciate a yes or a no answer because a MAYBE leaves you hanging, and you'd like the opportunity to MAKE OTHER PLANS for yourself than wait around on a HOPE that he'll come over. 

Remember, we teach others how to treat us.  If you agree to stay with the kids while he's out, tell him you're only able to stay until 11pm.  If he's not home, the kids are old enough to be alone for an hour or he can call his mother to come and relieve you. 

Good luck, and keep us posted!