Healing the Wounds of Childhood

I was molested as a child, and I've noticed it spilling out into my relationships now. The problem is, it was my father. It happened somewhere between the ages of 5 and 10. It took a long time for me to finally tell him to stop. It took even longer to tell my mother. I had tried several times to tell her and then she would start crying and I would say I made it all up. I finally told her when I was 14. She said she understood and she had been in the same situation. I didn't ask any questions and now I'm filled with questions that I am unsure how to bring up to her.

Anyhow, it's hardest for me to forgive my father because it wasn't just once, and it went on for so long. I've been trying to forgive him, but he makes it harder by putting me down every time I see him. I love my mother and love seeing my mother, but it also means I have to see HIM, so avoidance really isn't a solution here either.

A few examples of the put downs my father has used:
"No man will ever want you."
"Now that your boyfriend knows how you are, it's only a matter of time before he finds someone else."
"You're too ugly to attract guys."
"You should feel lucky your boyfriend even looks at you."

Also, the first time I tried to tell my mother about the molestation, my father told me he would sit there and wait for me to call the police to take him away. Honestly, at 10, I didn't even know what would happen to him. And I was more worried about my mother. I guess there's nothing I could do now that it's been so long, other than sue him, but sometimes I really wish I'd called the police when I had the chance. Is that wrong of me?

Welcome to the board, Chicka! I'm glad you posted - you've found a warm, welcoming place where others understand what you're feeling. Some of our posters here have been through exactly the same thing, or have loved ones who have.

No, my sweet Chicka, you are not wrong to feel anything you are feeling. Emotions are what they are - there is no right or wrong about them; just how you respond to them. For one thing, you could not have known, as a 10yo child, to call the police. Your mother should have. Even when you were older, and still did not call, you were not wrong. Even if you do not call today, you are not wrong. You are the VICTIM, not the offender. (Actually, I don't like using the word "victim" - because most of us don't see ourselves that way. I'm not a victim; I'm a survivor - and so are YOU.)

And about whether or not you could call them today - it's hard to say. I suppose that depends on the laws in your state, and whether or not there is a statute of limitations. I understand that in many states, the SOL has been lifted concerning cases of child abuse, rape and other serious related offenses. This is a difficult decision to make, and no one can decide for you. I would advise, however, that you consider what's best for YOU first - that is most important. Next, do you think your father is a danger to any other children or women, including your mother?

I am terribly concerned about the emotional abuse he uses on you - those words are terrible! He has no right to say that to ANYone, especially his daughter - one he was supposed to nurture, care for, and protect; NOT molest and ridicule. I am apalled that he continues this abuse today. Does he do this to your mother as well? Do you have siblings that had to endure this treatment also? Are there any grandchildren in danger?

Do you have any opportunities to spend time alone with your mother? I have to ask, because in this situation - my gut feeling tells me "no." I hope I'm wrong. My father was abused by my step-mother, and for many years she allowed him no unsupervised contact with his children. He couldn't write or receive letters; we couldn't even talk on the phone. When I visited, he was careful not to be out of her sight - except once, to smuggle letters to me to give to my brothers and sister for him. (He's okay now - safe in the arms of love and eternal peace. My step-mom suffers in her own little hell on earth - one of her own making.)

I hope you find a way to have a quiet talk with your mom, maybe over lunch or morning coffee, or just puttering around in the garden with her (or whatever you two enjoy doing together). That's when I'd have a heart-to-heart talk with her about what you went through, and help her to open up about her experiences as well. I would caution you, however, to assure her that she's NOT to blame. Yes, IMHO, she should have done something to stop the abuse when you were little, but I also understand how complicated these situations can be for the other parent. Perhaps she didn't know how to get you, and herself, out of that situation safely. Maybe she didn't understand the scope of the problem. Or maybe it was just too hard for her to believe that a man she fell in love with could be capable of such a crime. Whatever the reason, doesn't really matter. What DOES matter is your own healing, and hers.

How are you coping? How has the molestation affected your life today? In your own process of healing, what would you like to see happen?

Also, I'm beginning to wonder if there's something about the state of Missouri that attracts people like us - either during or after such terrible experiences. You see, there seem to be several folks on this board from the Show-Me state - myself included. But of course, we have members from all over the place as well, and welcome everyone from ANY country... just odd to me that so many of us are from this area.

Have you ever been to a counselor to help you overcome the molestation? Would you be open to that idea? For some folks, counseling has been very helpful and necessary, and for others it was not a solution. Some just aren't ready to move to that step - and that's Okay, too.

Each of us has to find what works best for us. But if you haven't tried it yet, or if your former counselor didn't help much, I'd suggest maybe trying that option once again. (If money is an issue, you could contact your local public health dept. - they'll have payment plans to fit your budget, or maybe for free. Be sure to ask for a counselor that specializes in childhood sexual abuse - that part is important. Maybe ask your medical doctor for a good referral.) Personally, I have not seen a counselor to deal with my childhood abuse. I've found other ways, so far, to deal with it. But I'm open to the idea, should I ever reach a point where I think it would be needed for me to continue healing.

I'm suggesting this because you seem to be seeking/needing some tangible action (calling the police, suing your father, etc.)  to move past those childhood experiences - AND the fact that this man is still very much a part of your life today. I think professional advice might be helpful to you, if you're willing and able to consider it. You might also consider talking with an attorney to find out what your rights and options are.

Meanwhile, I'm glad you have your mother's love and your boyfriend's presence and support. And don't ever believe, for one milli-second, that your father is right. He's not. You are beautiful, attractive, and worthy of love! It makes no difference whether you are a supermodel lookalike, or not. I can just feel it - you are a beautiful person, inside and out.

{{{HUGS}}} to you, sweet Chicka. Thanks for coming to our little world and sharing your story - somehow makes it easier for the rest of us, too - to know that we're not alone, either. Please feel free to come back and post, let us know how you're doing. Vent, cry, scream, or celebrate with us. We'll listen and never criticize. (I've been posting here since this board opened, @ 950 posts ago, and have never seen such a warm, caring, supportive community.

We're glad to have you.

Dear Attitude - welcome to this board!  I think Leta just about says it all...her post is very thorough and filled with a lot of good and practical suggestions.   I did want to say that it is very difficult to forgive when the abuse is still going on...and the abuse is still going on.  We tend to define things physically, but even though sex abuse is horrible it's the message behind it, the total disregard for you as a human being that incest is, that is the true damage.  Therefore, that he is continuing to disregard you as a human being through his words means that essentially the same underlying assault is continuing.

I would say don't worry about forgiveness at this point.  You focus on your healing...and healing begins with authentically owning what you feel.  You have a right to your anger...toward your father, and yes, even toward your mother.  There is some part within every child that expects to be protected, and rightly so, by their parents.  Yes, there are circumstances that are understandable, and it sounds as if your mother was abused as you were as a child, and so that would hamper her ability to function fully as an adult if she had never dealt with her abuse as you are choosing to deal with yours HOWEVER these are things we, as adults can understand...the child within you does not nor should it have to.

Allow this part of you to be angry. I understand you love your mother, and do not wishto hurt her...and you don't need to express anything to her, at least not at this point or ever if that is appropriate, but I also understand that in order for you to heal, you need to allow all of your feelings some type of expression...or more importantly acknowledgement from you.  It's okay to be mad at your father.  It's okay to be mad at your mother.  It's okay to want to call the police on your father, to wish you had when you were a child.  That man deserved to be put behind bars back then and he deserves to be there now.  What he did was atrocious and what he is continuing to do is dispicable. 

Whether you choose to pursue that course of action is another matter.  You have a right to feel what you feel.

I would imagine he has all but sucked the life out of your mother...for if he talks to you in this way, I would be surprised if he did not do the same to her.  Women in these types of relationships have all their self esteem eroded/assaulted out of them.  She is lucky to have you for a daughter, who is choosing a different path for herself.

The best thing you can do for your mom is to empower yourself...to really take the time to focus on your own healing, to develop your own sense of being and to grow in that.  

But it truly would be great if you could meet your mother for lunch outside your home or just away from your father.  I'm curious...what is your response when your father says these things to you?  Is he prone to violence? 

An excellent book on verbal abuse is by Patricia Evans, "Verbally Abusive Relationships", and she offers some really good suggestions to deal with specific types of verbal abuse.

Whatever you decide, your safety should be of paramount concern.  It certainly does sound like investigating the support/legal resources Leta suggested would be a good idea.

I am so sorry for the horrible abuse you experienced and the type of abuse you must deal with now, but I am glad you have come to this board and welcome you to our community.  Thank you for your vulnerable courage in sharing your story.

I hope to hear from you again.  Please, do keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Blessings,
Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

"Next, do you think your father is a danger to any other children or women, including your mother?"
Sometimes, I disagree with the way my father talks to my mother, and I say so. He just comes back with another of his trademark comments about my looks, and I usually let it go. However, my brother now has 2 daughters (one is from his wife's previous relationship, the other is his), who I adore. I always offer to babysit for them in fear of them turning to my mother. Because with my mother, you get my father. I also worry that, because my brother knows and has witnessed the sexual molestation, if my brother might turn out the same way.

"Do you have any opportunities to spend time alone with your mother?" That's complicated. Yes, I have time to spend alone with my mother, but it's hard to talk to her. She's pretty distant from me a lot of the time. I've tried some mother-daughter bonding over facial masks and coffee before and it just didn't seem to open anything up. I continue to work with her to have a better relationship, but I don't think we've gotten far enough to talk about this particular issue just yet.

"How are you coping? How has the molestation affected your life today? In your own process of healing, what would you like to see happen?" More or less, I tend to talk to my boyfriend and my best friend, as they seem to be the ones who understand me best. We talk about what I could do, what I should do, what I probably won't do. Just trying to understand what I'm feeling, when sometimes I don't even know. I'd like to eventually make peace with this, but it seems like the closer I get, the more worry and fear strikes up. Mostly, I just talk a lot right now. Personally, I feel that you can't help but love your family, no matter what, but it's hard to love someone and hate them at the same time, and I think that's my major struggle.

I'm also glad I decided to join this board, and look forward to sharing more with others. In addition, I'd like to include a little more information on the brighter side about myself:

My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married in 2005, we're having a baby due in July, and we are in the process of closing on our first house. I'll probably be posting more on these things in the off-topic folder.

Hey Attitude, I'm on my way out the door to go to work, but I just had to post and say congratulations on your soon to be here baby, your upcoming marriage and new home!  May the walls of your home always surround you with safety and peace and be witness to much joy and love for you and your loved ones.

Blessings,

Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

http://www.keepingthedream.com