Dear Petunia,
Thanks for bringing this thread back up, because it really is a good one and I never got to post in it like I wanted to!
What I want to say to you is this...there's a difference between forgiveness and reconcilation. Forgiveness has to do with you...how you feel. It has to do with changing your emotional environment within yourself...whether you are bound by anger and hurt (which is okay and even appropriate in various stages of healing and circumstances) or whether you have finally come to a place of emotional release.
Reconciliation has to do with relationships...it has to do with making things right again between two people so that they can resume either where they left off or anew, which can be emotionally closer or more reserved.
You can forgive another person (when you are ready) and never reconcile with them. To me, reconciliation can only happen in a healthy way when there is acknowledgment and accountability. Without that, it is an unhealthy, dysfunctional situation especially for the one who was wronged, and is often just an extension or continuation of abuse.
You asked in your introduction post if you were wrong for not forgiving your father for the abuse that he denies ever having done, that he blames your brother for, that he has convinced others that you have made this up or used him as a scape goat, making him your victim.
To me that is absolutely dispicable. There is not only no remorse, which is crucial to reconciliation, but there is continued emotional and psychological abuse. When you were a child he forced himself onto you physically...now it sounds like he's trying to force himself into your life now by preying upon your good heart and desire to do the right thing, with no more regard for you as a person as when you were a child.
You can wipe the slate clean within your heart and never ever let him near your daughter! And please, don't. Don't let him get a hold of that innocent child. You are a good mother, keeping your child safe from a monster who cannot and will not accept what he has done, and therefore is almost certain he can and will do something like that again.
Petunia, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves to finally free ourselves of the anger and bitterness that binds us to the ones who hurt us. It is something we come to in our own time, when and if we are ever ready. Forgiveness is not something another person is entitled to. If someone must have forgiveness, then they are free to forgive themselves...however, that entails admiting they did something they need to be forgiven for, and that is something some people cannot do.
You don't owe your father anything. You do have a responsibility to your child, and you are fulfilling that responsibility.
I, personally, do not feel victims should focus on forgiving those who abused them. I believe victims should focus on healing...which involves telling their truth, owning feelings, allowing themselves to feel them and express them, be in the present moment with who they are, open up to their own authenticity and begin to let their true selves unfold through the tears and sweet release that brings.
Forgiveness will come...or it will not...but it's not an intellectual decision or a "should do" thing, because forgiveness comes from the heart and the heart has its own time table and doesn't always snap to on command.
Maybe, forgiveness will come easier for you when you think about how it doesn't mean reconciliation. It's not that I think you should or shouldn't forgive, but if you release forgiveness from the expectation of reconciling, it might unfold more easily for you.
No matter what you do...forgive or not forgive, you have a whole life ahead of you and a precious life who depends on you, and that means more than anything else including especially your father who does not deserve a second chance...not with a real live child or with you...and certainly more precious than what anyone in his judging family might think.
If someone looks down on you for not forgiving...remind them about the mote in the eye thing. Then smile and tell them but you forgive them for that. :-)
Your devotion to your daughter touches me. You are *not* clueless. You know in your heart what is best, and you're doing it. You are just having trouble with feelings of guilt that you shouldn't even be having. Put that aside. You have nothing to be guilty about. You're a good mom, and a authentic person who doesn't want to live a lie.
And that's something that can only be respected...and any healthy person will. The rest, don't matter.
Blessings,
Love 
