Healing the Wounds of Childhood

I'm writing because I really need your help and I also want to put this to written to see if it can help. I have a very love-hate relationship with my mother. I'm 27 years old and I live with her. My parents get divorced whrn I was 19, and I live with my mother since. A long time I want to live by myself, but never had the conditions to do it. Now I'll do it because finally I have a stable job with a good salary and will buy my own house. I'm getting nuts with my mo

ther. We don't have compatible personalities, and we chock very often. She is a very egotistical person, she thinks we get along bad only because of me, that she's perfect, and listening this makes me feel no will to make an effort to get along better. We had an argument today, simply because I didn't behave the way she thinks I should. I'm a very independent person, and this gets with my nerves, it seems I'm beeing treated like I was 15 years old, and I work!!! She doesn't get in my freedom because I don't allow her to do that, but she's always calling me ugly names (I don't do that to her), criticyse my personality, and also she brokes my things in my bedroom when she gets mad to me, and I feel someday I can't stand her anymore.

I feel the only way to get a normal relationship with her someday it's really for me to move. But by now I don't know what to do, we seem not even can have a normal conversation! Thanks for your help.

Hi Messie Girl!

Sorry I didn't welcome you sooner...I just got off a long shift at work, but while I'm sorry for the difficulty you're going through with your mother, I am very happy to see you here.  Welcome!

I think it's wonderful you have a good stable job now, and you're right on about moving out.  As a 27 year old, it's a  good idea to have your own place whether you get along with your mother or not.  It's just part of the rites of passage of moving into adulthood.  You need your own space to discover who you are, further clarify your values, explore and experience life...make relationships that may be hard to do under your parent's roof.

That your mother is also abusive makes things not only more difficult, but critical to move out.  Will you be buying a house soon?  How far in the process have you gotten?  Are you actively looking?  Do you know what kind of mortgage you qualify for? 

In the meantime, I think it's important to set boundaries, to redefine the relationship, as it were.  Name calling, going into your room never mind breaking your stuff is all not okay.  Instead of fighting with her, perhaps you will want to set a few rules on behavior and just stick to that.  For instance, let her know you will not tolerate name calling.  If she starts, then walk out.  No arguing, no fighting...just leave.  Let her know she is not to go into your room...can you place a lock on it?

For all our efforts though, we can't change another person, although we can change our part of the dance...still the best thing is to move out.  Buying a house can be a long process, and you should not do it in a rush.  Is there a possibility you might be able to rent a room in a house for a short period of time, maybe something with a monthly lease if anything must be signed...or perhaps share an apartment with someone?  Although, if you're trying to raise money for a downpayment, I'm sure you'll want to keep your expenses down as much as possible.

The thing is to ascertain your situation, see what your options are and then follow through.  By all means, change your part in this long standing dance you've been having with your mother.  Regardless of what you argue about is not as important as how you argue...and your mother certainly breaks all the rules of respect and fair play.  Don't participate in that and don't enable her any longer.

Again, welcome to this community, and do let us know how you're doing!

Blessings,

Hi Messiegirl! I also apologize for not responding sooner... I must have missed seeing your post! (note to self: get eyes checked!) Welcome to our little corner of the world.

It's a tough situation you're in, and I know that's got to be hard. You love your mother, but sometimes she can just drive you insane, right? Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

I think sometimes we fight most with those we are closest to - either emotionally, or physically. In your case, both. When you have disagreements, those are blown out of proportion because our emotions become ultra-sensitive to the other person. The only way to improve that communication is to apply distance - either emotionally or physically.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by moving out. Good for you, good for your mother.

After you've got your own place, I'll bet things will improve dramatically for you - and you'll even miss her company. That means the time you DO spend together will be more special and meaningful, and less arguments.

Be prepared, though... for a while, your mother may actually worsen, maybe try a guilt trip on you for "leaving" her. Don't let it get to you! Be supportive and loving towards her, but stand your ground for what you know is the right thing to do.

Encourage Mom to get involved in some activities to help her adjust to living alone. Offer to go with her to a gym, water aerobics, craft class, take her to lunch once a week, whatever suits your mutual interests and helps assure her that you're not cutting her out of your life.

Best of luck to both of you...  and let us know how it turns out, Okay?