Healing the Wounds of Childhood

Dear Evyrosa!  Welcome to this community, and thank you so much for sharing your story here.  This is very meaningful to me as I made some decisions taking into consideration just the very dynamics you are talking about...the very real damage done to children through verbal abuse.  Whether that verbal abuse is constant as in your case or whether it's intermittant, which some say can inflict even longer lasting damage, because love, peace, when it is presented cannot be trusted, verbal abuse is devestating in the kinds of wounds it can inflict.

You have every right to feel as you do.  It is totally understandable...your mother was out of line to dump on you children, to use you then and now as recepticles for her anger. Yes, anger is poison, but her sense of entitlement to dump that poison onto her children is alarming.

Sometimes the damage done by verbal or psychological abuse is "worse" than physical abuse...you can see black and blue marks, you can see broken bones and blood...those are signs hard to deny, however, verbal abuse inflicts wounds that don't flow red or turn into tell tale signs of bruises.  But they are there nonetheless...and sometimes what you can't see is harder to heal.

I can relate a lot to what you were saying.  My father was inappropriate with boundaries, to put it mindly, there was incest in our family, however, my mother was abusive as well...she was narcissistic (as my father), and filled with a rage towards my father that sometimes erupted into full scale screaming and yelling sessions...actually periods where it was often, however, even during the more quiet phases of their relationship, my mother harbored a great deal of unresolved anger that she saw fit to unload upon me on a daily basis, and then turn around all sweet to my dad when he came home...until the next time (which would always be soon) he messed up or did something hurtful, ignorant or abusive. 

I remember coming home for lunch and then returning to school with tears in my eyes because my mom couldn't wait for me to walk in that door for the half hour I was to be there to tell me the latest...or even not so latest...to tell me stories of horrible things he and his sisters did to her before I was even born, and here I was now in elementary school.

When I spoke to my mother about this as an adult, her response was like your mother's...only she added, "Well, you said I could talk to you"...I was a kid and maybe one day saw my mother depressed, angry, unhappy...and in my innocence and desire to want to make everything better for her, I might have asked her what was wrong and said she could tell me.  But she took that as blanket permission...and it wasn't like she was already unloading...but that was the excuse and justification she needed to go on and on...and of course, it remained in full force for her for the rest of her life as far as she was concerned...no rescinding that.

Until I drew the line for her.  I had to finally tell my mother that there were things I didn't want to hear anymore.  I had to tell her that yes, anger was poison, and I wholeheartedly supported her right and need to confide in someone...but that someone couldn't be me anymore.  I told her she had to share these types of feelings with a therapist...someone who could help her to find a way to deal with this situation in a more healthy way, to make some empowering choices for herself.

She would never, on her own, respect my boundaries.  I had to define them for her...and I mean define them for her, not wait for her approval or acceptance of them.  What I said the boundaries were were what the boundaries were...what she could talk about, what she couldn't talk about...what I would listen to and what I wouldn't...and then...the hard part...enforce them.   Which for me meant, I would only relate to her on my terms.  If she violated those terms by dumping on me, I'd maybe give her a warning or gentle reminder.  If she got angry and/or abusive or if she ignored and persisted I ended the contact...which meant I'd leave or hang up the phone, after saying good-bye, of course.  Sometimes I'd give her that gentle reminder...other times I'd just say, "Well, I gotta go"...because she knew.  Eventually, she got the idea, and she did acquiesce to a considerable degree, because she knew she could not have any contact with me otherwise.

It sounds like your childhood was a nightmare.  I'm so sorry for the pain you went through.  And I do understand feeling more anger to your mom than your dad, because not only do we have that expectation that mom is supposed to protect us no matter what, your father's overt abusive behavior seems to have been directed more towards your mom, while though he was abusive toward you and your siblings it seems to have been more indirect through neglect and virtual abandonment. 

Your mother's abuse, however, was direct towards you children.  Giving you a blow by blow description, dumping her anger on you, betraying your trust by assuring you she wouldn't fight but then would for every child to hear...these things were abusive acts that apparently continued on a regular basis.

And you are right, there are a lot of things your mother could have done that would have been empowering for herself and her children.  But she chose not to...that she didn't...that she's continuing to have things to complain about seems to suggest that there is something she's getting from this relationship, and that's fine, but she has no right to ask you to pay for it.

And you can reach out to that little girl within you and tell her that not only is everything going to be all right, but that it is.  I know what you mean, that you wish you could go back to that place and be there now to give her that assurance, but I think that on some level she knew...because look what she grew into!  She could have taken the same path as her mother...she could have followed that same pattern, but she didn't.  She became you...honest, truthful about where you've been, aware and determined to make other choices, following through on that, being present to love your new baby in a way that you weren't...but you have within you the inner health sense and character to tap into and give.

You have so much to be proud of.

I'm so glad you've chosen to share your story here, and do look forward to getting to know you more.  And again, thank you for the validation that you have given me for my own recent choices for my child and myself.  Though the circumstances aren't the same, and the situation I am choosing to walk away from is more intermittant than constant, it really makes me more aware of just how devestating this can be for children and how wise it is to walk away from if no resolution can be had.

I am grateful.

Blessings,

Dear Evyrosa, I'm so glad you have found a balance that works for you.  I believe very strongly that we must each find a way that works for us, and for me, I have found that a good way for me to judge whether something is working for me or not is to be aware of the level of peace I have and to see whether my choice supports my ability to stay in the present moment or takes me from it.  As long as I can show up for my reality and not have to wrestle with thoughts or feelings that rob me of this experience then I'm okay.  If for any reason you find yourself thinking about your mom or the latest thing she said when you are with your child or your husband or attempting to do something for yourself then that might be a good time to reassess the way you are choosing to relate to her.  If not, then more power to you!  You have come to a place that evidently works for you :-)  Know that you're welcome to come here anytime and vent or share or whatever is right for you.  There's tremendous healing in telling our stories, and I'm so glad you have chosen to do so!

I look forward to getting to know you more too.  Thanks for the supportive words...I do know I'm doing the right thing, although it's hard...it's always wonderful to hear positive feedback from one who's been there.

Anyway, sometimes this board runs a little slow...it breathes and goes through cycles like we do, but the door is always open.

See you around :-)

Blessings,

For a long time, I attributed my misery to my parents' miserable marriage. I have since realized that there was more to it. However, I still find it difficult to want to even think about marriage. I was married once. It was miserable but I kept it mostly to myself. I learned that children mainly want their mother not to be unhappy when they say they want to comfort them.

I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement, but I still struggle so much myself. I did learn to stop pitying her so much and to not let their problems dominate my life. I think that she loved to always play the poor, suffering martyr. My brothers and sister seemed to condemn me because I got tired of pitying her all the time. However, they would run her down behind her back, never to her face. I confronted her face to face. She'd change, for about a half hour, then she'd be right back to her stubborn, blind ways.

Ironically, mothers can be abused by their husbands then turn right around and abuse their children. My mother was very abusive. Dad's abuse of her paled in comparison to her abuse of us. It's very hard to pity your abuser, but that was what was expected. It was hard to tell if she was really being abused, but she complained of it long and loud, so it might have been.

It seemed that the only time they weren't fighting was when they were both mad at somebody else. They were basically angry with someone at all times. It was a very toxic environment. I personally believe my brothers and sister are just as screwed-up as I am, they're just in denial. Their feelings are all dead but they put on a pleasing social persona. Growing-up was a slow strangulation of the self. I guess you could say I took the opposite path. I was willing to be miserable in order to avoid being insensitive to other's feelings. It's been a difficult and painful journey.

I guess I've never really shared this with anyone before, so thank you. I'm sorry you had to grow-up similarly to the way I did. I'm glad that you're doing better than your parents did, by the sound of it. You must be doing something right. I like the idea of setting boundaries with your mother. Sometimes the children are more adult than their parents. You should be able to respect your feelings and have others respect them. I wish you all the best!