Hi all. I have never posted to a website before so this is a bit scary! Please bear with me. Basically I need some objective opinions on what's going on here. I'm not sure if I'm in a toxic relationship or if I'm just being too whiny and unappreciative, or if it's my fault that things are the way they are. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. We moved in together just over 6 months ago. Things have been really, really hard since we moved in together. I figured I'd give it time, but now we're at the 6-month mark and not much has changed. My issues revolve around two basic problems: his constant criticism of everything I do and our inability to communicate about anything remotely "serious" (ie, not joking around - can be anything from our relationship to politics) without him eventually blowing up at me. It is possible that I am being overly sensitive. But when the blowups occur, they just seem to never stop and there's nothing I can do to avoid them or make him calm down. It's like he can't stop himself. Later, usually the next morning, I try to talk to him about it and he seems genuinely remorseful, as if he hates it when he behaves that way. But if I suggest that this behavior has become habitual, he takes that as an accusation and blows up again. It's never-ending! I know I'm not happy in this situation and I know that nothing I've done (which is a LOT) has brought about any change. In fact, I've changed so much since we moved in together, in terms of my behavior - all to accommodate him and avoid blowups (even things like work on hobbies in secret). But at the same time, I have to wonder: am I expecting too much out of a relationship? Is this amount of fighting normal? Obviously I can't expect it to be perfect. Am I actually ungrateful, or bringing this upon myself? When things are good, they are so great that I can't imagine leaving. And when things are bad, I can't understand why I've stayed. I can't bring this up with friends or family because they're going to be biased in my favor, and I want an objective opinion. It seems like after each argument I feel so totally disoriented, as if I don't know what hit me. So I decided to write down what I could remember of our last arguments and try to figure them out. I discovered two things: firstly, we have about 3 arguments a week and at least one "big one" in which someone threatens to leave, I cry, etc. Secondly, there's a pattern: he's almost always the first to blow up, and I get defensive, counter-attack, and it escalates from there. BUT, there are some purely mean things I would never say and he says these sorts of things to me repeatedly, catching me totally off guard and crippling my ability to defend myself. Some examples of things he's said to me in the last week, all said at top volume: - “I shouldn’t have agreed to move in with you! You know, there are times when I just make mistakes, and this is one of them. I'd better correct this mistake soon.” - "We should have stayed in our separate houses and seen each other on weekends. You should have just told me, ‘I’m not going to come live with you because I’m incapable of living with someone else!’” - “You’ve filled your head up with all this feminist bulls**t. When I call for you, you have to come to me. You have to obey me and fulfill my wishes. Otherwise, what use are you to me? I mean, what kind of woman are you, anyway?” He says this last one repeatedly, and when I call him on it he says, "Oh, I just say that to get a rise out of you. Man, you can't take a joke! I can't say anything around here without you taking it way too seriously" etc. But his face is always perfectly serious, and come on, he repeats it all the time. I should add that this week hasn't been all that bad, really. But after reading the messages on this board I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm putting up with more than I should. He has never ever hurt me physically and I don't think he has been unfaithful, but I definitely suspect he's hiding something that he's doing on the Internet, probably just porn but still being dishonest and sneaky about it. Some background: I'm 30, he's 36, there is no talk of marriage (very taboo subject), no idea what our future plans are. Here's the big catch: I live in a foreign country (his country) and I'm a 10-hour plane ride from any family. In the really bad moments I've thought of leaving many times, but that brings up a whole lot of other decisions I don't feel ready to make in the condition I'm in. For example, right now I can't afford to get my own apartment here. When I start thinking about it, I begin to panic because I think "Well, why should I even stay in this country if I'm not in this relationship?" and the idea of making such a huge decision after 9 years of being an expat is so incredibly daunting. I can't tell which option is harder to deal with! Unfortunately I don't know anyone right now who could put me up in their house for long enough for me to figure this out. I just wish I could make one decision, one major life change at a time, but because of this expat situation I feel trapped and desperate. Any ideas are very welcome! Thanks for reading this incredibly long post...
It's very obvious to me, considering the abuse you're taking, that you need to start developing a plan for yourself, starting with leaving the relationship. If you're only in the country for him, start making plans to move back. Once you do it you will not regret it but taking the first of many steps is the hardest part. Once you make the commitment to packing and going back to your country and your family, everything else will revolve around that decision and what you need to do.
You understand how toxic this relationship is... You're being verbally abused and manipulated. You know, no man is 100% evil, 100% cruel, 100% liar/cheat... They all have SOME good in them somewhere or no woman, including you, would tolerate them for one minute. But instead of looking at how remorseful he is the next day, don't forget the cruelty he is capable of. It will make it easier for you to get your feet moving.
I think you should make a task for yourself every day. Today your first task should be to come up with a date you intend to leave by, and buy a one-way plane ticket. It's going to feel REALLY drastic, but you can do it.
I wish you the best of luck, you will be happy again. Please let us know how you are doing along the way.
Welcome to the board, Micia09 ~
I will have much more later, but first I have just a question. Did you live in this country before moving in together or did you move there to live with him?
Just to give you some reference, my husband and I argue about once every six months. So, in that context, no, you're not expecting too much, not by a long shot.
I'll be checking back for your reply ~
"Ignoring the facts does not change the facts" ~ Author unknown
To undercovercrab, thank you for reading my post and for giving me your honest opinion which I really appreciate. I'm feeling a little disoriented at the moment because things get so incredibly calm and "normal" between blowups, but I'm going to reread your message tomorrow morning with fresh eyes and hopefully make some decisions. To 2nd_life, thanks for your message - that's a good question and one I meant to write about in my post. I originally came here for other reasons (have been here for 9 years, with him for the past 5, almost) but at this point I'm not sure why I'm staying. It's not an easy place to work in and besides, I've changed a lot in 9 years. Yet, at the same time, I feel like I've spent all my adult life here and have sort of become part of the culture, so leaving would be hard, and reintegrating myself into my old life would be even more difficult. This is one of the factors keeping me here! Thanks again to both of you for your help!
The relationship you describe, to me seems like an abusive one. In between the fights there is calm...he is sorry, then it cycles again. That is a typical abusive relationship. As long as you are not tied down with children why not keep looking for your life partner elsewhere? You sound like a nice smart woman. You need to take care of yourself for the future. This man will not change...If you are not happy in this type of pattern relationship, (who would be???) my advice would be to get out of it and find someone else. Good luck. It's not easy to leave, but staying will not be easy either...It will just continue... Rifka
Love 
