Toxic Relationships

Hi,

Its been a while...I guess I was in denial or something..Its been over a year since I broke up with my ex.  I know I did it for all the right reasons.  I know what I want in life now and what I dont.  I will not put up with someone taking advantage of me or mistreating me in anyway.  I am sorry to write about this again.  I think my friends are talked out about all this and I just need to vent.  I havent seen or heard from him in the longest time.  I was not even thinking of him anymore.  I thought I was doing ok for once again.  Well I seen some of his friends last week and now I can not get him out of my head.  I made my friend leave with me when one of them approached me to ask me how I was.  I completely started to panic.  I left and my friend could not understand why?  She said I should have stayed and showed them that I am ok and that I am over him?  I guess I am not if I reacted like that.  From what I hear he had his own place now, has a job, pays his own bills, is going away on vacation out of the country soon, and has a girlfriend...How upsetting this is for me.  He never did any of that when we were together..I wanted to cry..How come I was not good enough for him to do those things for me.  No I am the dumb dumb who got used and basically hiden from everyone or thing.  He knew that I loved to travel and I would always have to go alone because he never wanted to go.  He never took me out or paid for anything for me let alone himself.  He even stayed in my home with his dogs and never once offered to help me out with the bills.  I feel completely terrible again.  And you know what..I cant even date or even make myself try and date right now.  I have been asked out a lot over the last year but I cant seem to make myself go (I come up with excuses) or I sabitage it some how.  I just thought it was me for a while.  That maybe I am not ready just yet to move on with some else.  But now I think it is because I am still not completely over him yet.  I do not want to be with him I know this but I am still hurting.  My heart hurts still.  WHY?  Its been over a year.  I should be able to do this.  Move on.  He did.  You know the one thing that I have wanted since we broke up was that he could look at me and say he was sorry.  I will not hold my breath.  Sorry I am just an utter mess again. 

I don't remember your original story, but it's pretty obvious from what you've written here that you have NOT moved on........ one of the reasonse being because you're still asking yourself "why why why".  Let me tell you why!

He treated you like crap because you allowed him to!  That's a very simple explanation.  He kept you hidden?  You accepted that.  He wouldn't travel with you?  You traveled alone.  He never paid for anything, like a meal?  Because you paid without protest.  He moved in on you with his dogs, and never offered to pay a bill?  That's because you allowed him to do that!

He took advantage of your desperation........and you allowed him to.  Now he's with someone who won't put up with that kind of crap.......and he's acting like a man. 

You need to stop worrying about him, what he's doing, what his friends are doing, and START worrying about yourself......because you have NOT moved on.......and you are NOT living your life the way you should.  You are bitter and resentful, and you expect him to apologize?  As "they" say, don't hold your breath, because he's NOT going to say he's sorry.........mainly because he's NOT sorry.  You've wasted a year of your life because of this, and now it's time to MOVE ON!!!!!!  For REAL.

Ah, but believe it or not, I WAS in an abusive relationship......for TWENTY years!  It started out mentally and verbally abusive, and toward the end, it was becoming physical.  That's how I finally got the guts to get out.  He was also a serial cheater and an alcoholic........and when I filed for divorce, he went running to his current g/f. 

He didn't "become a man" when they were together.  He DID marry her.......and they got drunk together.  He didn't abuse her, she abused him.......and it couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy!  Eventually they divorced, too. 

BUT, despite the years of controlling, misery and abuse........the day I walked out of the courtroom was my first day of FREEDOM and happiness.  I didn't wallow in self pity or misery.  I understood that it was all behind me, and NOW my happiness was up to ME.......no one else.  I didn't care what HE did.......I didn't care if he was happy, or sad, or sick, or DIED.  Unfortunately, I couldn't escape him completely, because we had 3 sons.......and he occasionally came to visit them.  And I took pleasure every time I saw him,  in the fact that I won my life back, and he didn't like it one bit.  In fact, several times he made passes at me.....and I just laughed in his face.  Like he thought I was still madly in love with him.  Did he ever say he was sorry?  NO!!  Did I care?  NO!!!  Because he wasn't sorry.  Misfits like that have no idea they're hurting other people........because they don't CARE about other people.  They're NEVER going to say "I'm sorry" because they're not, and they don't even have a clue what that means!

So, I DO understand what you went thru........and I still say.....it's up to you to move on and make a happy life for yourself.  Stop worrying about your "wounds" because they WILL heal.......and they'll heal faster if you stop worrying about them.  It's like a blister on your foot.......it hurts a LOT.......but once you take the shoe off, it stops hurting, and left alone, it will heal all on it's own. 

You're still giving him the "power".  Take it back from him!  Your happiness is up to YOU and no one else.

PS:  You need to STOP worrying about him and his new relationship.  The only difference is that it's out in the open instead of being hidden like you were.  But, men like that rarely change, and you have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors........he is probably abusing HER in some way, too.  They never let it be seen in public, you know that!