I feel a bit weird posting this, but I am uncomfortable discussing this with family or friends.
I have been married to my husband for 12 years and I have been with him for 18 years. This relationshipship has been a continuous struggle for me and frequently one sided. It has always been about his wants and needs and I would often feel bullied into choices I did not want to make. I tried to let many of these things go because he has many redeeming qualities. He is intelligent, a great father, honest, and he works hard. I sought counseling for myself because I could not figure out why I am having difficulty feeling love for him anymore. I want to love him because he is great is many ways, but I cannot overcome all of the anger and resentment that I feel. I don't want to be married to him anymore and that scares me. He has finally realized that I have no energy left to save this marriage (we have spoken about the fact he has continuously pushed me away and that I there would be a point when I would not take it anymore) and he has bent over backwards to try and make me happy. Sadly, I feel indifferent. I appreciate his efforts, but I still want to leave. I feel like such a jerk because he is trying and I am still pushing him away. I never, ever want sex. Ever. I used to be able to tolerate it after a few glasses of wine, now not even that works. Instead, the tears fall quietly when I am back on my side of the bed. I never thought I could feel a physical heartache. Ending the marriage has emotional and financial consequences, and the greates impact will be felt by the kids. I fear making the the wrong choice. A few years ago he would not go to counceling because it conflicted with his schedule. We have since been this year and has not helped at all. I am just so afraid of making a wrong decision. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story. Any advice is appreciated.
If you're miserable and unhappy.....and you've tried counseling, it didn't work.....and you feel you've given all you can give, then YES, it's the right thing to do.
All divorces cause emotional and financial problems......and you need to figure out how and if you can make it financially on your own. Do you work, or CAN you work? Decent jobs aren't that easy to find these days, unless you have one already. If you go ahead with leaving him, will he be cooperative financially? Will he still see the children? From the "time frame" you gave, your children are probably still young.......and whether you realize it or not, they KNOW Mom isn't happy......they may not understand why, but they DO know, and they DO feel the tension in the home. Kids are better off FROM a broken home than IN a broken home, and it sounds like yours is irrepairably broken! It's better for them to have one happy parent than two miserable parents.
There comes a time when you have to put yourself FIRST........and deal with the consequences. Of course there will be emotional things to deal with. No matter how bad a person is, they do have some good qualities......and you need to start focusing on the BAD qualities if you want to leave.
If possible, you need to start talking honestly to him, and TELL him you want out. Depending on where you live, some states require that you spend some time in marriage counseling before you can get a divorce. You need to talk to a good lawyer, and find out what you need to do, how to prepare financially, etc.
If you feel that there is nothing left of you to give, then the best thing for YOU is to get out of the marriage and start your life over again. It's not easy, but in the end, it's what you have to do. Good Luck.
When I was considering divorce, I asked myself these questions: Is there any chance at all for us to overcome our issues? Do my husband and I deserve to be absolutely miserable for the next 40 years? And, is it fair to raise our young son in such a hostile, loveless environment?
I decided that although we'd tried to work on our issues, it was very clear that we just were not suited to be married to each other. We married young (22 and 23) and I was not at all ready to be a wife, but he pressured me and I gave in because I didn't want to lose him. But we were not ready and although I recognized this, we went ahead anyway. And no, we are not evil people who deserved 40 years or more of misery. Finally, we loved our son enough to want him to have 2 loving, stable and peaceful homes rather than one cold environment that I called the DMZ (because there was no fighting going on, we simply treated each other as though the other one didn't exist, going as much as an entire week without speaking AT ALL).
Your husband will be legally required to provide financially for your children. As for you, it depends on the state you live in. I was eligible for something called "status quo", which meant that since I'd only worked part-time and the rest of the time was a SAHM, my ex would be required to give me enough money to continue that. I chose to go to work full-time, but that was an option for me. And I agree that no matter how good you think you are at hiding your miserable marriage from the kids, they ALWAYS know. They may want you to stay together because that's what they're used to, but trust me, they know something's not right. My son turned out just fine because his dad and I made sure to not use him as a weapon, and he was given a lot of love and security.
I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do. But take it from someone who's been there...it is possible to do it and come out just fine.
Thank you for your response. Thankfully, I will be fine financially. I have a great job which allows to be flexible and is only 10 minutes from home. Don't get me wrong, it will certainly change things, but it wouldn't leave us without a home or food. I don't believe this would be adversarial in any way. He loves the kids and would never stop seeing them or helping to provide for them. I am just so scared to start the conversation...I don't even know where to begin. The kids definitely feel the impact and that is what has been the impetus to move this forward. When I hear them talk to each other the way my husband and I talk to each other I want to cringe. This definitely has impacted them just like you stated, but I want to feel as though I gave it all I had. We have 4 kids so it will be life altering for all of us, but in the end, I just want all of us to be happy. You are correct, two miserable parents do not serve their children the way the should.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond. You have been very helpful.
Thank you for your response. I was young when I married as well (just turned 23) and we also had a child while in college. We waited until we graduated college to even entertain the thought of getting married, and when we did is was almost like we did it because it was what we were supposed to, or expected, to do next. Part of my uncertainty is feeling like I will have to acknowledge a failure and letting my family and my kids down. However, I feel they will understand.
Now I feel like my husband knows something is coming (this happened before but I always gave in) because he is bending over backwards trying ridiculously hard to be kind to me. I can't even acknowledge how great he has been because it doesn't mean anything anymore because this has happened a million times over. I feel terrible that I can return the feelings but I have become indifferent. He always seems to try when he knows I want out. It has been a painful, vicious cycle and an awful roller coaster ride.
I don't feel like their will be animosity because I truly believe the kids will be first priority for the both of us. It will be quite a change.
I had a friend who once asked me why I had so many kids (we have 4) and I said because I love kids (which is very true!). He said that though that may be true, what I really wanted was for someone to love me back. That statement brought me to tears because there was no doubt in my mind that he was right.
Love 
