20-Something Hangout

Hello everyone!

This is my first post on this particular message board and boy am I grateful for this board. For some strange reason, I feel like this is the only place I can turn to. Just to give you some information about me, I am 22 and I live in Canada. I am currently at school and I am in the last year of the concurrent education program. I enjoy reading, travelling and hanging out with friends.

So I will get right to it. Life is difficult-no matter how old you are but I am finding that it has been extremely difficult in the past couple of months. I am currently in a place in my life where I am really unhappy. Right now I am in teachers college and you think that would be great right? For many people I am sure it is but not for me. This year has been a real wake up call for me in terms of my selected career path and I have discovered that I certainly do not want to be a teacher-at least not in a conventional classroom. For part of the school year, students are placed in schools to do their practicum. Basically we practice teaching and boy has this been an eye opening experience. So many of my perceptions about the profession have changed and I now know that it is not for me. In fact, I dislike it so much that I dread getting up and going to my practicum. I mean I get serious anxiety. I am even tearing up and I am writing this paragraph because it (my practicum) makes me so unhappy. I think my biggest concern right now is figuring out how I am going to make it through the rest of the school year feeling like this. I know there are people out there who would give their right arm to get into teachers college and part of me is wondering why I can’t just suck it up and deal but…it’s hard. To get up everyday and try to pretend that you’re happy and trying to be professional when all you want to do is runaway. I don’t want to list the reasons as to why I no longer want to teach in a conventional school b/c I don’t want to offend anyone. The rational part of me says stick it out, you only have 6 more months and you can do whatever you want to after that. Then the other part of me, the emotional part of me, is telling me to just run. It is so difficult to explain. I just feel like I am in prison. When the bell rings, I feel sick. When the announcements are on, I feel sick. It’s just…I don’t know. I apologize for rambling.

The other aspect to is that my personal life is in shambles. My mother passed away 3 years ago and my relationship with my father is deteriorating. He has met a new woman (whom none of us like but that’s besides the point) and is ready to sell the house and leave us to fend for ourselves. So basically, come next summer, I won’t have a house to go home to once I am done college. I feel betrayed, alone, sad and I just feel like my spirit has been battered.

The other thing to is that my desire to work and save is overwhelming. I think about it every 10 minutes of the day. Sitting in class is difficult because a) I could be working b) To say that I am not enjoying my practicum is an understatement c) I need to have and get a game plan together so I can have somewhat of a stable life once I am done school. I have about 14 cardboard boxes of stuff for “my place.” I think going out and buying things for my future kitchen, future living room etc…has been my therapy.

So it is a combination of being unhappy with what I am doing at the moment (school) and trying to salvage and deal with all the other stuff going on in my personal life. It is just a lot you know?

Despite all of this, I am trying to remain optimistic. I have so many goals and things that I would like to achieve. I just need to get out of this rut and start to heal emotionally, you know? I need to learnhow to trust people again and I need to figure out hoe to extract joy from the blessings in my life. Anyway, I am sorry for the rant. I needed to let it out. I would appreciate any comments, advice, etc.

Wow - *HUGS* to you, that is a lot going on!  Glad you found our board, keep posting as we have a lot of girls(and some guys!) around here who always provide good advice or a different perspective.

Sometimes when things are the hardest in our lives, is the time that we realize exactly what we are capable of within ourselves.  Good luck and know we're here!