Back story: Known this guy since college - and that's the problem. He dropped out, and I instantly lost respect for him. (Disclaimer: I have nothing against non-degree, but in this specific instance, it was really disappointing as he did not persevere/trudge through some challenges)
His character is solid - very intelligent guy. He possesses many qualities I seek from a mate on an emotional level. He has told me he's harbored a crush on me since he first met me, but I've always played it off. However, we are both currently and recently single, for the first time since our initial meeting. *about 10 years ago. We've endured broken engagements, several significant others, thousands of horrible first dates, and regaled each other with tales through it all.
Earlier this week he asked me on a date, and I told him once again, i'd love to go with him but I have my hesitations. He asked me to consider what dating the degreed men has gotten me so far. Unfortunately, he's got me pegged there. For some reason, this hit an emotional nerve that has never been released towards him. I carried on with extreme verbal and emotional diarrhea about how I couldn't start what I wouldn't finish, and how I would harbor resentment, and much more - (completely hysterical at points) - all this over a friggin' concert. In the end, I declined after completely freaking out. He asked if it was just the degree holding me back and I said yes. At this point in communication, the concert had become a metaphor for a future relationship. He told me it was a lot to take in for one evening, but that he understood he wasn't the one for me. (Toto, I've a feeling we're not talking about a concert anymore). . . We left it at that.
The next day I went into full on immediate gratification panic mode, and my influence of *want* trumped my influence of *should*. I realized I didn't want to put myself at risk of losing him, especially since we have never tried to date. I tried to see if I could get myself re-invited to the concert. Called him up, asked him who kidnapped "me" the night before, and apologized. Of course, he acted cool and now we're back on for the date. However, since that awkward exchange he has not spoken to me. (It's been 3 days, and yes, this is unusual for us).
I mean what I said, but I also feel like I'm getting a million miles ahead of myself. The guy is asking me to accompany him to a show, not down the aisle. My reaction to potentially having "lost" him surprised me, and now I can't stop thinking about him. Help me out here - did I blow it!? Or is he waiting for my insanity to settle?
My husband also dropped out of college, and it was due to immaturity and irresponsibility on his part. Ten years later, he still hadn't followed through on plans to go back and finish his degree, but he was a much more mature, responsible person than he'd been when he'd dropped out. I wonder if you are being a bit harsh on this guy to still judge him based on what happened ten years ago.
Anyway, the sense I get from your post is that you have your mind made up that you don't want a relationship with him. What I think you want is just to be able to keep him around as the back-up guy in case you're both still single in another ten year's time.
If that's how you're feeling, I'm not sure there's any point in dating him now. Giving a relationship a try is one thing, but I'm not sure what just casual dating without any type of a relationship will accomplish. Usually that is good for people who have just met each other, so they can have fun while getting to know each other and seeing if the other person is relationship material. If you've known him for ten years, and you speak as frequently as you do, then you don't really need to get to know each other any better.
Since you already told him you wanted to go to the concert, it would be rude to back out now. You may as well go, have fun, and give things a fair shake. If you still feel the same way afterward though, then you can tell him that while you enjoyed yourself, you're afraid dating each other will ruin the friendship, and you really don't want to lose him as a friend. That is much less hurtful than telling him he's not up to par regarding what you're looking for in a relationship, and there is no reason to bring up his lack of degree or anything else.
I think he is avoiding you now because he is still hurt by what you said. He's probably figured out that you must still be harboring some of the same feelings, and that if you're going out with him it's either out of politeness to him or to have him as a back-up. Unfortunately, you can't take back what's already been said. All you can do is let him know you're sorry and hope he is willing to forgive you and stay friends.
Great analysis. I don't want to be the jerk in this situation, but I'm certainly looking like it, huh? That's what I don't want. All I know is that my appreciation for him as a person and his role in my life hit me like a ton of bricks in light of the danger of pushing him away permanently.
Sidebar: Yes, I came out of a relationship more recently than he did, and mine was pretty ugly. Another story for another time, but my ex has moved in with his new girlfriend. We have only been broken up for 3 months. I found out 2 weeks ago that he had moved on. Hmmm. As if the initial breakup wasn't bad enough, (initiated by me, do you see a pattern! This one was due to alcoholism and having to leave - couldn't enable anymore) but he's (the ex) already moved on to someone who evidently thinks he doesn't have a problem - and lives with her now. Awesome. Codependent City! Buut . . .I'm still alone. So I basically got my heart broken twice by the same guy in a matter of three months.
SO, with regards to the current guy in question, the "BFF" as we'll call him = there is that element of - oh great - what am I doing? The one (straight) guy that's been my rock all these years, and I'm kicking him to the curb? After all he's done for me? I can't let this happen. That might be where you're sensing the "back up/rebound" vibe, but it's more of a "I can not throw the baby out with the bathwater" feeling. Make sense?
I don't know if I'm being too harsh - part of my verbal vomit was telling him that if things were to develop, then I can see us building a future together. Like you said, it's not like I don't know him. The date was the tipping point to bring all these feelings/thoughts to the surface.I elaborated by saying if we build a future together,I believe in leading by example, and I want to instill the importance of education in my kids. I have my master's. That said, I got it for intellectual property. Something that's mine that nobody can take away from me. I do things not for monetary reasons, but more so for personal gains. That is how I feel education broadens my horizons.
Him not having a degree is not about the money at all, it's about having equal values and building a future together. I'm pretty old fashioned when it comes to these things. Has it been challenging for you in your marriage?
"Him not having a degree is not about the money at all, it's about having equal values and building a future together. I'm pretty old fashioned when it comes to these things. Has it been challenging for you in your marriage?"
Not really, because as long as he contributes his fair share to the household, I don't care about traditional gender roles. It was actually very nice while I was working full-time at a corporate job. He was willing to take care of all the domestic chores around the house if he could work part-time. I didn't need the extra money, but it was really nice to know I could put my feet up and relax once I got home. If he wasn't pursuing a professional career and also wasn't contributing to the household that would have been a different story.
I also don't feel like our values are that different despite our educational backgrounds. He agrees that if we have kids that it's important to live some place where they will have access to good schools. And I can see where some people get so caught up in working hard and advancing their career that they forget to make time for their family and wouldn't want to be with anybody like that either. I feel like our core values are similar enough that we can relate to each other and respect one another despite our differences.
Makes sense! Go you! I'd without a doubt be the breadwinner too - and it wouldn't be all that bad to have a reversal of traditional gender roles. Alpha female, meet alpha female ((( big hug )))Nice to meet you! I've dated plenty of alpha males, and - let's just say, maybe it's time to try the beta brotha out. He's definitely family oriented, which is a plus. Also a church goer. Between the two of us, it would be me (regardless of educational status) that would be the frazzled one that wouldn't make time for family and being at home. So it's not all that bad that he's not -ahem - as driven as me, because he would calm me down and keep me centered.
Here I am talking crazy again regarding ONE date. Someone stop me!
Oh well, none of it matters, because here we are, day 4 AND a weekend with persona non grata in question. Argh! But at least we have a concert to look forward to in 3 weeks, that is, if HE doesn't invent some excuse to get out of it. *weakly waving lighter in air*
Love 
