Ask the Wedding Planning Expert

I have the opposite perspective from onceuponagirl - it's been over a month and you haven't bothered to ask her how the engagement happened? It's entirely possible that she's feeling miffed by your lack of interest.

I recently became engaged myself, and I was torn between asking my "best friend", who I've always thought would be my maid of honor, and my fiance's sister, with whom I'm also close. My BF lives in another country, and has recently gotten herself in a lot of social drama (she broke up with her long term boyfriend to be with a married man twice her age, who also left his wife for her). My fiance's sister lives one town over, and we talk regularly. She will always be a part of my family, and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding a few years ago (she now has a new baby).

I went with my gut, and decided to ask my fiance's sister. Her brother and I had gotten engaged on a trip overseas - I sent an email to those close to me since we didn't have telephone access. When we got back, my fiance's sister met us at the house as we arrived, with a bottle of champagne and a stack of wedding magazines she had spent the weekend picking out. I called my best friend the next day - she spent the whole time talking about her married boyfriend and her ex, the wedding she had hypothetically planned with her ex, what the town thought, and what was going on with her. She didn't ask how we got engaged. She didn't ask what the ring looked like. I asked her to be a bridesmaid. It was 100% the right decision. I'm not even sure if she'll make it to the wedding. We're cordial, and friendly, but she's shown no interest in anyone but herself.

If you want to end the friendship, drop out of the wedding. If you don't - show some genuine interest - let her know you support her, and suggest some wedding-related activities you can do together. Get the email address of Phoebe and start a regular group discussion about the pending event. Don't take it personally.

I might have been a bit harsh, but I am dealing with a childhood best friend's wedding and sharing the maid of honor role with another girl.  Its been incredibly tough to "share" this role, at least in part because the other maid of honor has completely different ideas, but also because i do not know the other girls in the bridal party and one of the other bridesmaids has flat out told me that I was asked out of obligation.

I don't agree, but I've spent the last year and a half dealing with women GROWN women who are acting like 12 year old girls vying for the attention of the popular girl.  I've been getting a different story from them than from the bride on every front and I'm constantly being asked by the bride to stick up for her "wishes" while these other women tell me that she's telling them the exact opposite.

I have no idea what to do, but since these are women who have been closer to the bride in the last few years it becomes difficult to get anything done.

As a result, I have spent over $1,500 on showers, dress and shoes, gifts, etc. and the wedding isn't for a few more weeks.  I'm dreading it and I know when its all over I won't want to stay in close touch with the bride.

I feel very strongly that if I had said something like "I really want to do this for you, but I feel like you have a close knit group of friends who will be more than adequate to support you and I'm not sure I'll be able to commit the time and energy that you deserve" and ducked gracefully out of this to start with, I'd be much happier.

Another problem I've had is that the bride seems to be choosing each of us for roles over the other based on what she thinks will look best.  I've been asked to give the speech because the other maid isn't a great speaker, and she will be standing next to the bride because her own fiance is the best man; she hosted a regular shower and since she can't drink, I've been in charge of the bachelorette party.

On every front, the other bridesmaids tell me that basically I'm not spending enough money.  Nothing is good enough.

Of course, every situation is completely different.  Our friendship may not be strong enough now that this is worth it to me, but yours may be.  I'd base a decision on how much you want to stand beside her on her big day.

But I do think that what she said about your relationship is inexcusable and if you decide to stay involved in the wedding, she needs to address it and genuinely appologize for it.  It sounds to me like she feels superior for being the "first" to get married.

Also, tell her how you feel about the dress.  You may not change her mind but you have the right to feel comfortable.  I'm a 32DDD and I have to wear a strapless dress for this wedding.  I had to order two sizes too big and have huge alterations and I still feel like I'll be tugging at it all night.

Isn't it amazing how weddings bring out the best in a group of people? ;)

Onceuponagirl - it really sucks to be in the situation that you're in. I know how you feel about the money too...I litterally spent nearly $2,000 on a friends wedding, between two dresses we HAD to purchase, the bachelorette party, the gifts, etc...not to mention time. We didn't even get a thank you gift from the bride. It's not so much the expense, its the feeling of being unappreciated.

Wedding parties seem to be incredibly tense, political situations, and a "shared" role seems like it's destined to cause more problem then it solves. Frankly, I think the bigger the wedding party, the more potential for disaster. But, I try to maintain the hope that people do things out of good, however misguided intentions, and not spite. Maybe your friend is hoping it will make it easier on everyone by assigning roles so that toes don't get stepped on, and I would think that she asked you to be a co-MOH because she really does care for you and wants to honor the relationship you two had.

Or, maybe she's a spoiled wedding brat. Who knows. :D

thank you! I hit "post" and realized I must sound like such a brat that all I care about is money!  I technically hosted every event with the other bridal party...we all paid equal shares...but i have not recieved a thank you card or anything.  when she did mine i had flowers sent and made sure the hostesses' thank you cards were in the mail that monday.  One of the other bridesmaids had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't expect her to have time to write thank you cards until after they get back and that she has up to a year to write them...even for the shower hostesses...which is absurd.  She sent one for my mom's gift almost right away.

unappreciated definietly sums it up nicely.